Question: For Dr Bishnoi. This is XXXXXXX again. I am really so anxious about the court proceedings. We are having trouble with my ex husband now that he knows we are going to court against him. I was able to get the Family Law Commissioner in the case against him as well as XXXXXXX ..I am so conflicted emotionally about XXXXXXX .I hate him and I love him and have no idea what is going on with him now...maybe he doesn't love me anymore and I am so afraid to be going to Israel without anyone to help me but my son...I am also afraid of XXXXXXX and he is so gravely disabled mentally that he is unaware as you say to even know what he is doing that is has no insight at all..my life seems to be a mess...I am not going back to the clinic. They want me to forget about XXXXXXX entirely and are trying to control my entire life so there is no help for me now anymore...not unless I go to groups and that kind of junk. I don't care to have them knowing about all my feelings about XXXXXXX and my life...they all have their own opinions about how I should be feeling and living and it isn't my way...I am waiting now really to get some more money to leave the country...I wish I knew what was going on with XXXXXXX ..I hope the judge wants to talk to us but if he does, his lawyer will speak for him and just try to make me look bad...I am not sure what to do as I cannot get around well enough physically to walk off the stress...the pills I have been given do not help with sleep or anxiety..I am at my wits end..

Thanks Dr. Bishnoi. I have enough medicines for now. Just couldn't sleep at all last night. I am so stressed out due to the court cases and the lack of money. I had some money taken out unexpectedly last night and the bank is never supposed to pay out anything if there is not enough money in the account. I am also concerned about my son as his Dad is doing really crazy things. My son's Dad XXXXXXX is bi polar and is very manipulative and has what I think are anti social tendencies. He is manipulating my son XXXXXXX by having his wife's ex husband harassing and contacting XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX has been getting very anxious..for an Asperger's person this is very stressful...he is trying his best but the situation with me and XXXXXXX has been very hard on him and now his Dad is trying to cause more problems for us. XXXXXXX my ex husband, knows now that I have a court case against him and is trying to cause legal problems for me so this is also stressful.. XXXXXXX at least doesn't know that he is causing me problems and in his sane self would never try to hurt me or XXXXXXX but XXXXXXX is not like XXXXXXX He is NOT a nice person....he is very vindictive and selfish..the last time we were before this judge who seems to be a very good and fair person, and I got him for both XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX by the way, he told me to ask the court( him) for more money from my ex...we are going without food right now so it is very hard on my son XXXXXXX and me right now....by the way today is Father's Day in the states so if you are a father, have a happy Father's Day..all the stress is making it hard on me and I feel almost hysterical sometimes. The doctor's don't like to give me or anyone medicines for the anxiety and made me promise not to use the zanax if I am on valium for the spasms but honestly, I took them early this morning and I still only slept for about two hours...I wish I knew if XXXXXXX still loved me...he used to I know he did....but now I don't know anything about him anymore. It is so hard to not know anything about XXXXXXX or how he is or what is going on. I can't imagine he is doing well...he was so grossly overweight in March and now as we are not allowed to even have people we know go up to his store to see him without me getting arrested...I am having a terrible time....it is so very very hard to now know anything that is going on with him...and the clinic doesn't even want me talking about him..they want me to just forget about him and won't talk to me about him. I can't go there if they will not allow me to even talk about him. I love him and always will love him that's just a fact....how can I get help if they don't allow me to even talk about him? There is no place else that I can go to...

Is it still possible that XXXXXXX could still love me even after all of this and all of this time? I feel so heartbroken and it is hard to be postitive even though I go to church and the movies...I just feel like I am supposed to deny what I feel in order to keep on going on but I am getting so tired of doing that....no one can tell me what he might be feeling as I am not allowed to have anyone I know check on him and he can't have anyone see how I am doing not that I think he cares anymore anyway...could he still care about me? It is so confusing and so hard on my physically and emotionally....could he regret having filed the injunction or do you think he even remembers? Does he forget what he has done and maybe think of me with love at all? I am so confused and despondent...I don't want to become suicidal again but I am so worn out with trying to have a life when I really don't...and my son breaks my heart because he is hungry. If I use the money for Israel for food we will never get there....Do you think XXXXXXX might still love me? Or is it only when he isn't totally psychotic that he loves me.....?
I just wish I knew if XXXXXXX still loved me...I think that the PTSD is worse because I was abused by judges, lawyers and psychiatrists as well as police and am feeling like the flashback symptoms all over again..I went to the movies with my son for his birthday today and found myself crying and crying...I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin the anxiety is so bad...nothing that bad ever really happens anymore but the conflict I feel and ambivalence towards XXXXXXX is really intense. Do you think he could come over here and bother us like maybe he might forget that he filed the injunction and wanted to see me or anything like that? Even XXXXXXX is scared of him...he did beat up his former partner a number of years ago almost to death over some money scam his partner did on him and the police made him take anger management...he is not an angry person in his sane self but when he is psychotic I am afraid he might be. One day last year he yelled at me and chased me out of his store. I don't know why and I don't think he even remembered it....I feel so bad right now...I only have six days of valium left and it was only prescribed by my neurologist for the physical pain I am in but it helps with the severe PTSD anxiety...I am taking zanax at night too even though they told me not to but I am still not sleeping. I am not overmedicating but I have a very high tolerance for drugs in general that is, I need to take more in order for them to work especially when my stress level gets too high...in any case do you think that XXXXXXX still might love me even if he is so psychotic or not? You told me once in his sane self he loves me but who knows if he is sane or not? It is so hard Dr B...I hope you have been doing okay it is Monday early morning where you are but still late afternoon here....God bless you or as we say Baruch HaShem Blessed be the Name of God. Michael's name is Baruch...we also say Shalom Aleichem or Peace be unto you.....

So sorry to get back to you so late...it must be late there in XXXXXXX in the late morning...here it is night. We were at some Christian friends who are very supportive of us right now and had dinner with them and then prayed for our health and trip to Israel...it helped me to see their nice place and the green grass and tress. I don't have that here at home..
But here we are again at home and I am trying not to get into a panic about what the court is going to do or what I have to do at the courthouse tomorrow...it is hard for me to even think about showering or getting dressed nicely or fixing my hair...I really hate it here but I know that in Israel it will be even more crowded as there is very little space to live in. My advisor for my studies said that it is almost impossible to become a citizen of Israel but I cannot allow myself to think negatively about Israel...it is really the only hope I have that is of leaving the U.S. and the trouble with XXXXXXX and the sorrow I have every day thinking of how much we loved each other and he is no longer in his right mind..So he only loves me if he comes out of his psychosis? So if he is in psychosis he doesn't love me then? Yes XXXXXXX and I think he has other psychological issues as well like DID as well as schizophrenia...he was beaten by his French father a lot as a child till he was almost bloody and as a child who suffered a lot of abuse myself...I can say that the DID I have is due to the severe childhood trauma I experienced as well. XXXXXXX and I were raised in the fifties when childhood beatings were common and even encouraged....especially in families that had parents who were not raised in the U.S. but rather where the parents were from Europe or from Russia...I am not sure about what XXXXXXX was like back then or Asia except for Japan...thanks for your help...I hope we can sleep tonight.. XXXXXXX and Betty gave us a good meal and company and distracted me for a while tonight...I am not sure what you are trying to say about Michael's love for me.. I have realized that I might not see him well before I leave for Israel....I just don't know anymore....I am afraid of him as is XXXXXXX ..
just curious Dr B. In my psychiatric social work days when I was working with the criminally insane, one of us was assigned to help work with the psychiatrist who worked on the unit where those who were judged to be incompetent to stand trial would be adjudicated...are you saying perhaps that XXXXXXX would probably not even be able to stand in his own defense as he doesn't know right from wrong? If a criminally insane person were to have to stand trial in court, and he is unable to tell right from wrong, then he would be committed rather than go to jail..that is the criteria even today I do believe for whether or not someone who has committed a crime is judged competent or incompetent...at the time XXXXXXX beat his partner so badly, I seriously doubt he was even aware that what he was doing was wrong....he nearly killed the guy...wow...what a concept! Knowing that he cannot tell right from wrong helps me somewhat as it is doubtful from what you are saying that he even has any idea of how badly I have suffered as a result of his craziness....and he is crazy.....of that there does not seem to be any doubt..Markham sharply told him to stay away from us and we are still afraid of him...the young man who killed nine people in a church last week in South XXXXXXX here in the U.S. is believed to have paranoid schizophrenia.

One last question. Based on what I told you, it is possible that XXXXXXX could hurt us or and not even know he did so? I am trying to think beyond XXXXXXX but it is so hard as many times all I think about is him because I love him so much..thank you for being patient about him. Again I wish I understood if he still loved me..this is causing me so much pain and sadness....thank you..

So he could still love me? I guess that I am not thinking so much of wanting to do anything at all anymore. XXXXXXX wants to go to Israel but that would be such a hardship for me at this point. I am so sad that he is no longer in my life...yes he could get help but I don't think he will...so I am not interested in doing much of anything...I just wish my life was over...I don't have the energy to put into doing the stuff I wanted to do in Israel...I cannot be a citizen if I am not married to XXXXXXX and right now I cannot be with him....so I am not wanting to do anything at all anymore....just lying in bed hoping for the days to pass away is all I want...I wish I was in my nineties so that my life would be over...I don't want to be here anymore..living in the poverty we have and not being able to walk...I just don't care about anything anymore...my life is over...I just don't care anymore...what is the point if living if the person I love is never going to want to be with me anymore...there is no point in living then.. I am so tired of all of this stuff..half a year since I started talking to you and he is still not here or better so what is the point of living anymore.....there is none..