Question: It's difficult to formulate my question. This is very serious...I have a spouse, 3 kids and a great career.

So here it is...
I've been on lithium carbonate since 2014...

The cause
(Date-April 1st):

I decided to run away from my life in my city (at night, while my ex-fiancée was sleeping in another room). I panicked trying to follow through with my plan because I got lost. I decided to try to end my life on the way to my destination because I didn't have strength and got scared. All this due to stressors and insomnia.

The (odd) good thing is, when I got lost, I was in upper state New York... in the woods (close to Adirondacks region). I cut my neck open with a pop can. Then, I stabbed myself in the neck through the opening I had made… with a Philips screwdriver. The pain from the cut and stabbing was slow and a bit painful... I was trying to do this and hopefully hit a major vein. At the end of my attempt to commit suicide, as I lay in my blood, I realized that I had attracted a fox. I got scared of being eaten alive. I got up and reached a side of an unknown road in Watertown, NY. Someone stopped, called an ambulance.

...

They treated me with Effexor.
I ended my relationship in XXXXXXX 2014... I told my ex-fiancée. "I'm just happy to breathe and be alive." She understood that the wedding was off. I loved my life more than I loved her.

The following weekend, I gave her space and time to move out. I went to my brother's cottage. There, I experienced delusions. I threw my meds in the toilet.. I didn't feel right. I made my brother talk a lot (He --let's call him "M"-- admitted having anti-social skills) and then, in the morning we got into an argument. He got mad, wrestled me to the ground... I got scared. Finally, someone called 911... I was trying to protect myself, that's all.

They interned me, sent me back to my city.

I was put on Lithium carbonate and Lorezapam.

Ever since then, I have taken Lithium and dropped the anti-psychotic meds.

Lithium makes me sick... Uncontrollable diareah, severe stomach upsets.

I decided to eventually bring my dose down,,, right down to nearly no meds... and then, no meds. Meanwhile, I had gotten married, divorced and lost my other brother (10 years older than me)... All this without no one (not even my doctor) knowing about my med reduction.

(September 2014) My brother who was under an enormous amount of stress (financial and emotional) was put on Effexor. He committed suicide using Argon gas (He was working on a welding project and realized that this could put him to sleep... He aborted once, then knowing the effects, went through with his plans... He documented everything... Including the beginning of his sufferance which went back to his childhood memories.. He dug pretty deep. He disclosed that our father had beaten him a few times, incited him to steal some boots from a store once, …Help my father steal small trees from another store.

My father psychologically manipulated all of us. My mom and 3 siblings. My mother left my father after we all moved out… She lived in a battered women’s shelter before getting herself back together… Now, she can’t even speak to my father because her blood pressure skyrockets… She has a deficiency in her blood levels. For example, she passed out at my brother’s funeral last September and cannot attend funerals or emotionally stressful situations anymore).

A few weeks after my brother's autopsy. The doctor treating him admitted he should have monitored him more closely and felt horrible. He said my brother was just an intense guy… And that he was in the wrong. The Effexor, had the same effect it had on me, and pushed him into a "manic state".

So that's my story.

Now, i'm on my holidays (I'm a teacher... 2 months off)... I copped with my many obstacles by meditating.

I've decided to change doctors because I've moved to another part of the city. I told my story to my new doc last week. He prescribed me something to sleep because I was losing sleep... Now I'm back on my "normal" sleep patterns, sleeping solid 6 to 9 hours of sleep a night (except tonight of course... this question is long...) And, he wants me to have my file from my former doctor transferred… I could have lied to him, but haven’t yet.

I don't want to jeopardize anything that I have right now but I'm exploring the possibility of going back on my meds completely and playing this out like I did with my past doctor (who monitored my lithium intake 4 times a year, through blood work).

When I say “playing this out”, I know that it takes 7 to 10 days to get that Lithium level back to what the doctor prescribes... Then, I get my bloodwork done TO CHECK LITHIUM LEVELS. (I’ve done this quite a few times. — Lithium slows me down.— I don't have a choice. My former doctor agreed with my employer (signed contract to ensure I follow through with my treatment... the treatment equals Lithium levels check and that's it... "I" FOUND COMFORT IN MEDITATION AND ALOT OF RESEARCH... ON MY OWN...With no psychotherapy... Well, I do my own psychotherapy from what I've learned throughout my experiences and tribulations... Writing is one of my best copping skills. As well, self-talk and mediation.

I've come across ACEM (Acem Meditation International) which seems very ligit. --See the article titled: The Royal Norwegian Order of St. Olav awarded to Acem's founder Dr. Are Holen-- http://www.acem.com

MY QUESTIONS ARE:
1. What do you think I should do?
2. Tell my new doc the whole story?
3. Just keep "conning" everyone into believing I take my meds normally?
4. Ask for a short leave of absence to explore this ACEM (without my new doc knowing about it)? (After all, I would be following through with my treatment plan --As it is written in my contract with my employer.-- and wouldn't be jeopardizing my job or mental health or my finaNcial situation... My spouse is a stay at home mother and I'm the principal bread winner… Taking a paid-sick-leave-of-absence could jeopardize my financial situation as I do not get my full salary… But this is summer right?)

P.S. YOUR ADVICE IS VERY IMPORTANT... I don't take this lightly... That is why my email is anonymous.