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How To Deal With Marital Disharmony?
Question: I am married since four years .. My problem is that my husband is not loving and caring ..he never fulfill any of my expectation .. And being a emotional person this all makes me mad . Pls help me . Many times when I cry , he don't even bother to make me calm and sleep himself leaving me alone crying . Many Examples are there for explain hi insensitivity towards me . This all makes me very sad and I always thinks about it .
Brief Answer:
Need to be more expressive to each other.
Detailed Answer:
HI XXXXX
Greetings from Dr.Divakara.P
Thanks for posting your query.
I went through your query and I can understand your concern. There kind of problems / misunderstanding comes between couples quite often . This happens not because the couples doesn't love each other . It happens because of the stress ( at work and at home ) and because of lack of expression of one's own feelings to their spouse.
First I need to know since how long this problem was there ?
Was there any trigger factor or event that led to this problem ?
How was your marriage life ( including Sex life ) before this started ?
Is there any other issues ( financial, work or social ) that might be bothering your husband ?
Kindly let me know these details for further discussion.
Regards.
Need to be more expressive to each other.
Detailed Answer:
HI XXXXX
Greetings from Dr.Divakara.P
Thanks for posting your query.
I went through your query and I can understand your concern. There kind of problems / misunderstanding comes between couples quite often . This happens not because the couples doesn't love each other . It happens because of the stress ( at work and at home ) and because of lack of expression of one's own feelings to their spouse.
First I need to know since how long this problem was there ?
Was there any trigger factor or event that led to this problem ?
How was your marriage life ( including Sex life ) before this started ?
Is there any other issues ( financial, work or social ) that might be bothering your husband ?
Kindly let me know these details for further discussion.
Regards.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
He never shows intrest on my sentiments , he never reply back of my living messages .. When I go to my moms place for some time he never call me without any work , I wants to vedio chat but he never shows intrest . I take care of his all small needs and always show my love to him . But he never express and initiate anything . Sometimes he gets irritated with my sentiments , many times he break my heart with spiteful words and never feel it . And I always think of him like mad . And wait for him to come and say something loving to me .
Brief Answer:
Give him some time and space.
Detailed Answer:
HI
I can understand your feelings . But have you tried to communicate the same with your husband. If yes what was the explanation given by him for not replying to your messages .
Was he happy or upset when you said you were going to your mom's place ? Probably he didn't wanted you to go there but since you went to your mom's place he might be angry with you and hence he didn't responded to your message . ( Possibility is there )
Was he less expressive from the beginning or he has changed recently. Have you ever talked about these issues with him when he is in a good mood ( Don't talk these issues when he is in bad mood or in stress/tension )
You didn't replied for my questions in the previous reply. Kindly revert back with the details asked .
The first solution is to understand your husband's situation. Is there any stress in his job or any financial matter or in the family ? Try to find out ( Men don't like to discuss their problems -- you need to find out by yourself )
Few days try to be normal and keep talking to him normally. This will make him come to you. Don't keep asking questions to him. Give him some space and time .
Infact take some time for yourself. Focus on yourself . Have some fun time with your friends or family. Try this.
Revert back with details asked.
Regards.
Give him some time and space.
Detailed Answer:
HI
I can understand your feelings . But have you tried to communicate the same with your husband. If yes what was the explanation given by him for not replying to your messages .
Was he happy or upset when you said you were going to your mom's place ? Probably he didn't wanted you to go there but since you went to your mom's place he might be angry with you and hence he didn't responded to your message . ( Possibility is there )
Was he less expressive from the beginning or he has changed recently. Have you ever talked about these issues with him when he is in a good mood ( Don't talk these issues when he is in bad mood or in stress/tension )
You didn't replied for my questions in the previous reply. Kindly revert back with the details asked .
The first solution is to understand your husband's situation. Is there any stress in his job or any financial matter or in the family ? Try to find out ( Men don't like to discuss their problems -- you need to find out by yourself )
Few days try to be normal and keep talking to him normally. This will make him come to you. Don't keep asking questions to him. Give him some space and time .
Infact take some time for yourself. Focus on yourself . Have some fun time with your friends or family. Try this.
Revert back with details asked.
Regards.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Prasad
After marriage few months were good but after that I feel that does not express his feelings u till I initiate , he used to more intrested in watching Some TV program other than romance . When I send him some loving message he never reply back . There is no trigger factor for this .. Sometimes I feel it more when I expect him that he will come to me himself and say something lovingly . And your perception is wrong about my visit to my moms place . It is a normal visit with mutual understanding .. The reason I feel it more when we don't stay together ,I miss him more and I expect That he would also miss me same way but nothing comes from him which makes me sad . And there is no other worries in his work or any other area . I share his responsibilities from the beginning .. Payment of bills , dialogues with bank , house owner , any repairing work at home , any modification on furniture , service of car .. Each and everything I take care . He never gets worries about our baby needs or hide needs , everything I take care. He even never get appointment for hospitals .. I do it .. Once I had small surgery ... For that also I myself did all preparation regarding hospital , insurance , even post surgery bills . But. After all this he never appreciate me or give credit to me , but that's ok .. I just want some love from him . Many time I told him my desire of being loved and pampered . Many times if we had an arguments and if I cry he never get back to me and make me calm . I am very emotional person and I love him very much and I want that he should also love me , miss me when I am far . Our sex life also in not normal I would say .. Many times when I initiate then he just refuse saying that he is very tired and sleepy , that time I feel like deserted . Sometimes he comes himself when he want it . I don't know but I feel something missing in our relationship always , I want some romance but he shows no intrest in it . When we talk our dialogues are all related to work , like food , office , our baby but never about both of us . Neither he wants to involve in such discussion . Apart from this he helps me in household works. I miss his love which should initiated from him .
Brief Answer:
Need to counsel your husband too.
Detailed Answer:
Hi
Thanks for the information.
See in the most of the cases of marital disharmony there will be contribution from both the husband and wife.
But in your case I see nothing wrong from your side. You have been a wonderful wife and you really love him a lot. You are doing things that should impress any man in this world and I appreciate you for that.
Now coming to the reason of his behavior there must be something that is bothering him . The possible causes are:
1. Depression.
2. Lack of interest in you ( usually happens following child birth)
3. Interest in another women.
Now it is difficulty to tell what exactly is the reason without talking to him . So all the work comes on your shoulders now.
Most of the time this problem can be solved if both the husband and wife are available for counselling so that I can understand his mentality or his reasons for his behaviour. If its possible kindly ask your husband to have a chat with me .
If that is not possible then you need to start talking with him even more . Don't have any expectations from him now but you keep behaving normally.
Ask for what he likes , what food he wants to eat, what are his future plans in career and in personal life , plan to go out for a movie or dinner outside ask him to take a leave and plan a short trip outside .
Plan for an activity that involves you him and your child . Like ask him to accompany you for doctors visits for the child . So start this one by one . Don't be very demanding in all these requests.
Tell him what you feel about him and what you expect from him . Don't cry at that time , just say that you need some attention if not total.
Kindly try these things and let me know what happens .
Regards.
Need to counsel your husband too.
Detailed Answer:
Hi
Thanks for the information.
See in the most of the cases of marital disharmony there will be contribution from both the husband and wife.
But in your case I see nothing wrong from your side. You have been a wonderful wife and you really love him a lot. You are doing things that should impress any man in this world and I appreciate you for that.
Now coming to the reason of his behavior there must be something that is bothering him . The possible causes are:
1. Depression.
2. Lack of interest in you ( usually happens following child birth)
3. Interest in another women.
Now it is difficulty to tell what exactly is the reason without talking to him . So all the work comes on your shoulders now.
Most of the time this problem can be solved if both the husband and wife are available for counselling so that I can understand his mentality or his reasons for his behaviour. If its possible kindly ask your husband to have a chat with me .
If that is not possible then you need to start talking with him even more . Don't have any expectations from him now but you keep behaving normally.
Ask for what he likes , what food he wants to eat, what are his future plans in career and in personal life , plan to go out for a movie or dinner outside ask him to take a leave and plan a short trip outside .
Plan for an activity that involves you him and your child . Like ask him to accompany you for doctors visits for the child . So start this one by one . Don't be very demanding in all these requests.
Tell him what you feel about him and what you expect from him . Don't cry at that time , just say that you need some attention if not total.
Kindly try these things and let me know what happens .
Regards.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
He will never come for counselling , moreover he don't feel that he is doing something wrong . He says to me that I waste my time thinking all these things , this all is job of college students not of mature married person . Even I cannot tell him that I asked such questions in this website .. He will never understand about it . Even before marriage he had an live affaire and he did all these things for her .. Like late night calling , romantic messages , gifts , even he has has recorded her voice also in his phone for some time after their breakup . Is it possible that his desire of all these things have fulfill with this affair and now he don't want all this . Now he is not in contact with her ,not with any other girl , t this I am 100%sure . Sometimes I feel that I also should have some affaire before marriegae so that my such desires of romance also got fullfill and I would not be thinking all such things after marriage like him . But what to do now , many times I decided that not to expect anything from him .. But then you tell me that what will remaining if I also behave like mechanical not real . How to hide / stop my feelings of being loved by him . Pls help me that how not to expect anything from him . Many times I decided that I will not expect his call as I know he will not call but even after that I check my phone every minute to see some message from him which never comes . And sometimes when he had some arguments then I could not able to to my daily jobs with full mind but on the other hand he remains intact . Which all make me more sad .if I can't change hi , then u have to change myself Pls help me that how to stop love him and how to stop thinking all this , how not to expect anything from him , how not to be emotional .
Brief Answer:
You don't have to change
Detailed Answer:
HI XXXXX
See I will not advise you how not to love him or how not to expect anything from him and be mechanical.
You are fine what you are now and you don't have to change .
Now coming to your query that whether a previous affair would have fulfilled all his desires and now he doesn't expect anything , I don't think that is the case with him . Even if he had affair in the past , he would definitely want love and affection from a woman even now .
The very fact that he was very romantic with his girl friend before indicates that he has an expressive character . If he is not doing these things with you means he might not be in love with you or upset about you for some reasons. You do need to ask this directly ( but softly ) . There might be a possibility that he might have not forgotten his old girl friend . But the issue here is if he is not opening to you he may never talk anything about his feelings and suffer inside and hurt your feelings too.
Keep trying to check out what his feelings are but at the same time don't put too much pressure on him .
You need to become bit more busy and focused on yourself. I know you are taking care of your baby but after few months think of going to a job or take some classes like Music , interior decoration, learning new language anything that makes you feel good about yourself and diverts your mind from thinking of your husband always. ( I am not intending to say that you stop or decrease loving your husband , no just take a break ).
Plan for some short trip with him. Plan for some activities like dinner , movies , temples , art exhibition, park, zoo , anything where you both can spend time together.
Talk about topics which he is interest more initially ( after for 1-2 months ), ask about his plans for your child . Keep talking on these issues more and gradually you can drift the issue towards your feelings and his feelings about you. Ask him is there anything that he dislikes in you ( or even likes in you ) . Is there anything that if you change makes him happy . Try to bring out his feelings slowly but surely.
Try these things . I again say that there is nothing wrong in you and you XXXXXXX not the one who needs to be changed. But to change someone , one has to get changed ( at least Initially ).
Hope this information was useful to you.
Any further help feel free to contact.
Regards.
You don't have to change
Detailed Answer:
HI XXXXX
See I will not advise you how not to love him or how not to expect anything from him and be mechanical.
You are fine what you are now and you don't have to change .
Now coming to your query that whether a previous affair would have fulfilled all his desires and now he doesn't expect anything , I don't think that is the case with him . Even if he had affair in the past , he would definitely want love and affection from a woman even now .
The very fact that he was very romantic with his girl friend before indicates that he has an expressive character . If he is not doing these things with you means he might not be in love with you or upset about you for some reasons. You do need to ask this directly ( but softly ) . There might be a possibility that he might have not forgotten his old girl friend . But the issue here is if he is not opening to you he may never talk anything about his feelings and suffer inside and hurt your feelings too.
Keep trying to check out what his feelings are but at the same time don't put too much pressure on him .
You need to become bit more busy and focused on yourself. I know you are taking care of your baby but after few months think of going to a job or take some classes like Music , interior decoration, learning new language anything that makes you feel good about yourself and diverts your mind from thinking of your husband always. ( I am not intending to say that you stop or decrease loving your husband , no just take a break ).
Plan for some short trip with him. Plan for some activities like dinner , movies , temples , art exhibition, park, zoo , anything where you both can spend time together.
Talk about topics which he is interest more initially ( after for 1-2 months ), ask about his plans for your child . Keep talking on these issues more and gradually you can drift the issue towards your feelings and his feelings about you. Ask him is there anything that he dislikes in you ( or even likes in you ) . Is there anything that if you change makes him happy . Try to bring out his feelings slowly but surely.
Try these things . I again say that there is nothing wrong in you and you XXXXXXX not the one who needs to be changed. But to change someone , one has to get changed ( at least Initially ).
Hope this information was useful to you.
Any further help feel free to contact.
Regards.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
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