this is very long I was diagnosed with HSV 2 about 3 years ago. I was in a long distance relationship with a female for a year already but had never met her. She has a huge problem with germs and ofcourse people getting tested for std’s. She was stern about this. I had led a very unhealthy sexual lifestyle as a young man. I was now 30 but I was afraid of my past, especially my teenage years. Still, I was sure I didn t have anything because I never had any symptoms. Anyways, I got tested for all STD’s right before I went to visit her but didn t get the results until I was already at her place and we had already done multiple sexual acts including intercourse. They called me and told me that I had HSV 2 on my genitals. I was floored. I was sure that someone in my recent past had knowingly given it to me. I was on suicide watch in my own mind. I was so depressed and I knew that it wasn t HIV but I also felt that it wasn t far behind. Infact, I was scared to death when I got the call and heard the doctor say the H and the V. All I thought about was them calling me to tell me that I had HIV but luckily it was only HSV but it didn t matter to me. I felt basically the same way as if they told me it was the other. I felt alone with no one to talk to. I tried to talk to the doctors & nurses on the phone at the health department but didn t feel a lot of sympathy. It was the same when I went to the pharmacy to pickup the meds. I just felt like no one cared and I was a scar on the world. Again, I was so angry at the recent partners I had before my current gf. However, after doing some research and looking at pics, I realized that I had HSV 2 for over a decade, dating back to when I was a teen that had unprotected sex with just about any female I met. It never crossed my mind that they bumps I would get once or twice a year on my penis was herpes or any std. I just always felt that my penis was rubbing against my boxers wrong or the zipper on my pants that caused a rash and it would go away in less than a week. It never dawned on me that It may have been something else but sure enough it was the virus. That gave me mixed feelings. One is that I wondered about all the people I may have infected in the past and 2 is that I felt some relief in knowing that this isn t new, that Ive had it for over a decade, but it never really affected my life in any way. I knew then that I could atleast live a normal life with it. I went on my meds. Acyclovier 2 capsules, 2 times per day. I told the Health department about all my past partners although I was scared. I knew I would want someone to do that for me. However, the problem was my current gf. She’s pretty 50/50 in that on one hand she’s the sweetest person you would ever meet. She has helped me so much and saved my life in so many ways. On the other hand she had a hard upbringing which makes her pretty cold & judgmental at times. I feared telling her for multiple reasons and couldn t bring myself to do it. I kept a close eye on her since she’s been open with me and would tell me if she ever had any kind of discomfort. She never seemed to get any symptoms. Meanwhile, Im taking my meds every single day faithfully. Combine that with already having it for 10 years, I was told that my disease was probably pretty dormant and chances of my effecting someone from now on were very low even with unprotected sex. Sure enough 3 more years have gone by. She’s had no symptoms, we see eachother a lot now and she became pregnant after being told she probably would never be able to have kids. I thought I couldn t either because of all the things I did when I was younger. I had so much unprotected sex and never pulled out and I never got anyone pregnant but somehow we found out and it seemed like a blessing. However, one huge problem came up. The doctor who put me on my meds told me I wold have to be on them for life but every January 1st, my prescription is stopped and I have to go see the doctor. I never wanted to do this and she had already said it was a life long thing anyways so she would always just give me a new prescription for the year without even seeing me. Again, its been 3 years since my diagnosis and I literally hadn t had one outbreak. Not even anything close. Then this past new year came and again my meds are stopped. I call to get them refilled but this time they tell me that the doctor is no longer with them and they have a new guy now who I must see before he refills them. I give in and go to see him. He says him and the previous doctor use to argue about the meds a lot because he feels that research has shown that you don t need to take meds every day the rest of your life. That just wait until you feel an outbreak coming on and then take some for a week. I told him that Im truly not comfortable with that. That Ive heard others that do it but it doesn t seem safe to me and I am use to taking this every day. He said I don t need it and I may never have one again after having HSV 2 for almost 15 years and being on meds nonstop for 3 years. He gives me some pills from the office if I ever need for an emergency and he writes me a new prescription just incase of the future but tells me to not take meds everyday. I give in. I was so scared and felt so weird but he was right as nothing happened. I went to see my girl again for the 1st time since I found out she was pregnant. She was now going on 6 months. It is June and I also have been off my meds for 6 months. Everything is lovely until one day I feel a tingle on my penis and here it comes. Everything happened so quick. I was out of state and forgot the meds at home. I was only suppose to be there 10 days and then go back home for a summer semester of school until I come back down in her 8th month where I will live with her permanently. The meds are home and its the weekend. Im not even sure if this is an outbreak since I hadn t had one in so long but I think it could be. It was usually a big area of sores but this time it was just like one or 2 sores. My girl wanted to have sex. I panicked so much. Even though we were always unprotected, I kept condoms on me just incase. Everything was happening so quick and I was scared to say NO and have her ask why. Then what would I say? I told her I wasn t feeling good but she wouldn t stop. I was so scared. I put a condom in my pocket with her not knowing but she grabbed me, pulled me close to her, and started performing oral sex on me. I didn t think she would do that. It threw me completely off. Everything was a mess. 1st off it hurt because of my sore, 2nd all I could do was think about me having an outbreak, 3rd I knew that I had read that chances are very very very very low of giving her HSV 2 from her performing oral sex on me. Normally I wouldn t ejaculate but this time I forced myself to just so we didn t have to have sex. Still, later she wanted some and I put a condom on without her knowing and had sex with her. Literally, the very next day she showed my a rash on the back of her hand that was itching and it looked exactly like the herpes blisters that I get on my penis except smaller. I was so confused but at the same time knew where it came from. We also had sex the previous 2 days unprotected but I didn t have open sores. It made me wonder a lot of things. I was always told that Herpes took atleast 2 days to show up so how can she get the signs just 12 hours later. Then I read that in some rare cases they do showup the next day. Then I wondered did I maybe give it to her the other previous 2 days? Was I shedding before I had sores and didn t know it? I was wondering how did she get it when I had a condom on? Is it because she grabbed my penis and went down on me? Everything I read said it was very low risk for that. Then I thought maybe I had rubbed my penis on her vagina or close enough to it. Maybe I touched my infection and put my hand between her legs but I couldn t remember. I thought maybe after intercourse, I took the condom off too soon to hide it from her and maybe some fluids got crossed over. I just didn t know. I was so upset. I hated my doctor for telling me to go off my meds. Even moreso I hated myself for not being man enough to tell her that I was having an outbreak. Why let her go down or me or have sex? I should ve thought of something quick? Im a lowlife piece of crap. That s how I felt. It just all happened so fast that I froze. What about her? What about my baby? How could I let this happen? Why did I stop taking my meds? Why didn t I leave on time? Oh yes, I got off track earlier in my story but I meant to say that I was only suppose to be there 10 days but I changed my flight and had it pushed back another week. Literally the very next day after I was suppose to go back is when I had an outbreak. I only stayed for her and it backfired because I gave her herpes but maybe I gave it to her a couple of days before that anyways? All of this was running through my head. I still didn t have the guts to tell her. I went and got more meds the next day. I was still having sex with her. Each time with a condom that she didnt know about. I pushed my flight back 2 more times and have been here for another 3 weeks. I was kinda happy for a sec because her hand bumps went away pretty quick but then it came right back again. At the same time she said she feels like she’s about to get a pimple on her lip. She said she can feel it coming. She told me to look and you can see it getting red. Sure enough it was but it never came. It went right away like her hand and never returned. Her hand came back though then it went away pretty quick again. Now it came back a 3rd time and this time she now also has it on her opposite wrist. I started to freakout. l I think my girl has a weak immune system and she’s not a fighter when it comes to things that itch. She cant help but to scratch it so I knew it would be hard to heal. I did a ton of research and had all these questions. I read that I cant give her hsv 1 if I only have hsv 2 so Im positive that s what she has. However, I wondered was it only on her hand & wrist but not her vagina since she had no symptoms there and I wore a condom? Everything I read said different things. I wondered could it be Herpetic Whitlow but those things seem like on the finger tips while her’s is on the back of her hand and on the wrist. I read about zolster but she’s already had chicken pox. I read that if its above the waist then its oral HSV 2. Then I read that its the genital one but it has spread. I was going crazy. I was hoping that maybe she got it somehow only on her hand/wrist and nowhere else. That its not on her genitals. I was trying to tell her that she needs to stop scratching and it seems contagious. I told her that its spreading but she kept scratching and had no relief. We were going to have sex again, she put her hand between her legs and I got upset at her and told her not do to that right now. I wasn t mean at all but more concerned and she said that she’s fine, its just a lil rash but it got worse. I read that you cant spread herpes to other parts after the initial infection but this is her 1st one so I was trying to get her to stop before she does it more & more. Yesterday she told me she has some bumps on the bottom of her belly and it looked a little like it but wasn t sure. Im just so scared. I hinted to her a few days ago that it maybe herpes but you can tell she didn t buy that. We tried Benadryl spray, alcohol, and others to stop the itching but nothing worked. She’s been showing her family the rash which was driving me crazy. I even got crazy enough to where the last couple of nights I put some of my acyclovir on ice cream or a donut and gave it to her without her knowing. After she started scratching so bad last night I finally confessed everything to her and she’s been an emotional wreck. We use to not get along a lot anyways because she has a bad attitude at times while Im a pretty laid back dude. Her mother is very all knowing and overprotective so we don t get along all the time either. I just knew everything was going to come to a head. My girl has gone back & forth from crying uncontrollably to then being violent and attacking me. She said I ruined her life. She said she would ve never been with me if she had known. She never talks about what happened a couple of weeks ago with the sores and me letting her go down on me. Instead she focuses about me knowing for 3 years and never telling her. She said she would ve never done that to me. She said no one is going to want her and she doesn t want to be with me again. She then breaks down thinking about our baby. She said that the baby is probably going to have it and even if she doesn t at birth, that she wont be able to touch her because she will be so scared of infecting her with her hand & wrist like that. She is so distraught. One time she says she doesn t even want the baby anymore but then she changes. She also got mad at me for giving her the meds since she might cant even take them when pregnant. Then she read about the 1st outbreak stuff late in pregnancy and she is going crazy. I told her that everything she is saying is right. I feel like Im the worst person on earth. I take full blame. I do at times get so upset at that doctor for taking me off the meds but I say that if I didn t let her go down on me that night or would ve just not had sex when I saw the sore then the doctor still may have been right and I wouldn t have passed it on so its all my fault but maybe I was shedding before then and gave it to her anyways. She still brings up the 3 years thing but I told her that I didn t find out until after we had already had intercourse and by that time I felt like you either already would have it or Im on the meds now so she wouldn t get it. She had test she thinks for herpes when she got pregnant and came back negative. I was so happy at that time and thanked god because it had bothered me for years but now I went and screwed it up right after that anyways at the worst possible time. Right when she’s pregnant. I feel so bad. I wish I could have it all back. The 3 years. The 3 weeks. People are so scared to say anything but then they end up having to say something anyways when its 10x worse because you have now infected them which is the one thing you wanted to avoid and could ve avoided if you would ve told them sooner. If she had known then it would ve been her decision. That s what she keeps telling me. I decided her life for her and its not fair. She is so right and everything she feels now is how I felt when I got diagnosed. I told her I already went through that but its not a death sentence and it really doesn t change anything in your life but you can tell that she doesn t want to hear that from me of all people. Im the one guy she doesn t want to hear it from. I don t think we will get through this. I will never forgive myself. Im a great person and Im of age now at 34 yet I managed to do something so selfish, so immature, and so repugnant to someone who loves me so much. Can someone please help me atleast by answering some of the following questions: 1-Did I definitely give her hsv 2 and nothing else? 2-Is it possible that she only has it on her hand/wrist and not her genitals or does it still mean that it definitely started In the genitals? 3-is it possible that its oral hsv2 and not genital? 4-if its went away and came back multiple times in a short span, does that mean its still the 1st outbreak or are these already reoccurring? I just want to make sure that its done spreading so her antibodies can build up and she has no risk of getting it anywhere else, especially the genitals 5-Is all herpes dangerous for your baby during pregnancy or is it strictly if you are having a vaginal outbreak at the time of birth? I keep hearing mixed things on this? Like is my baby still at risk if its only on her hands/wrist and or oral? 6-if it doesn t spread anymore during this outbreak and its not on her vagina, does that mean it will be impossible for her to get it on her vagina in the future since she will have built up the antibodies? 7-Ive heard some say that when you have hsv2 in areas like your hand that its less likely to reoccur or atleast reoccur often while others have said that it will happen more often than the normal kind. Do you know? 8-I use to hear that if you take the meds every day like you are suppose to then chances of you infecting someone even with unprotected sex is very low but it seems like on here that you guys still sound like its 50/50 if you are taking meds every day. 9-It seems like her blisters maybe really contagious and even I feel like Im about to get rashes in some areas but then they never come. Is it possible that she has some kind of herpes that I still can get in other spots or is it just trying to maybe do stuff to me but my antibodies wont let it? 10-will a vaginal hsv2 outbreak always hurt and if she does have it on her hands/wrist with painful itching and scratching, would she also get that same itch on her vagina if she had it down there? Again, she hasn t had any symptoms down there and Im hoping she doesn t. 11- Can she transfer it to her eyes? She s been messing with her eyes alot. Some of it maybe allergies but Im still scared that she is spreading it to them. All of this was very long and Im sure there will be some things later that I wish I would ve added but atleast I hope I get some answers. She will be going to the doctor soon to get all the answers even though she wants me out of her life now. Her mother will know soon which will be hell to deal with but I deserve it all. Thanks for the help either way