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Depressed, attempted suicide, taking drugs. Is there any hope for me?

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Practicing since : 2000
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I do not know what to do. ...
I am writing to you, because I cannot deal with my pain anymore ... I need help and I do not know what to do. I am 25 years old, I am blonde and slim body shape girl, men like me and there is no problem with the way I look at all.
If someone would have asked my friends 2 years ago what XXXXXXX is like the answer would have been: optimistic, enjoying life, nice, happy, popular, educated, likes parties, enjoys the small things in life ...I was myself and now I feel I cannot come back to this condition ... I cannot deal with my life anymore! If someone told me that I will die tomorrow, it would be the happiest message for me ever!!
I have always thought that it is better to be alone than with someone who does not make you happy... Until I was 24 years old all my relationships lasted no longer than 3 months. My first time was when I was 17 years old... It was nothing special to me. I also had an unwanted pregnancy which I have terminated (but I'm not a Monster, I just didn’t want to give the child an unhappy life like I had: without money and complete family! It happened when I was 21, I was not ready for a child and I wanted to go to University, besides I did not love the boyfriend who I was with). I didn’t regret about the abortion but rather felt relieved ... I'm not a bad person, but i did not want to destroy someone else’s life. I grew up without father, just with my mum and grandma. My dad was an alcoholic and my mum has left him when I was 6 months old. About 2 years ago I received a message that he got really drunk and committed suicide. It did not affect me at all as I did not know this man, however, I missed it a lot that I didn’t had a father and wasn’t raised in a complete family, but not this particular man who is dead now. I am also an only child and I think this is the reason that I need more love and attention than other people. I need a boyfriend who takes care of me and for whom I am special. I feel I need a lot of love and sensitivity.
My grandma died 7 years ago. Afterwards my mum and I decided to come to the UK. Everything was working well. My mum met a guy and they got engaged. I like him a lot, he is a good lad. After 4 years I started speaking English fluently and went to the University, I am on my final year now. I have more money than I had in Poland, also I have passed my driving licence, have got a nice car , my parents and me have bought a nice house and I’ve got friends and good results at University... Iife is just perfect; however, I don’t feel happy with what I have...
In October 2011 I met a man; he is 30 years old now; very handsome English lad with good job, nice car and his own apartment. I met him at work, but he was engaged that time... When he split up with his fiancé, he wanted to date with me. At the beginning I could not believe it! He is so good-looking; he can have any girl he wants; why did he choose me? Moreover, he was pretty much a party animal and I was quieter not really fancy partying (i used to be when i was younger). Since the day we met the first time we became inseparable. We fell in love straight away; he even said that he was fancying me earlier, even when he was with his ex. For me he was someone I could ever dream of: affectionate, bringing flowers without occasion, coming to mine in the middle of the night because he missed me, ringing me because he wanted to hear my voice ... He treated me like a XXXXXXX he was caring, he was waking me up in the middle of the night just to say that he loves me and he told me that he did not know that it is possible to love someone that much ... My parents absolutely loved him, he was helping us to buy a house, when my mum had a car accident he took her to the hospital, I felt very important to him, like to no one else before...
He split up with his girlfriend because they both were taking drugs... I knew that he is sniffing cocaine sometimes and taking pills but I wasn’t aware that it might be XXXXXXX I am not taking any drugs and I told him that i cannot imagine being in relationship with someone who is addicted. He said he is not addicted and he will change for me and he really began to change. He has stopped seeing his mates, started going to bed with me and waking up together. We have started spending every single moment together. I really believed that he loves me. His mother was dead grateful to me that i have changed him in a very good way. He was planning to propose to me; was asking how many kids I want to have with him; we were watching houses for sale as we were going to buy something together. He always said that he regrets that he did not XXXXXXX me earlier because i have made him a better man and he had learned from me how to save money so we could afford holiday together (Cyprus...). I was the first girl who was accepted by his family, they have been so good to me, even gave me a surprise birthday party! I got on so well with his mum; we have been hairdressing and shopping together. XXXXXXX and me had similar sense of humour, we liked the same food, he was waking me up in the middle of the night just to tell me that he loves me, always left me brew on the said of the bed when he was leaving to work and was kissing me and telling me that he misses me already....He said i am the prettiest girl he had ever known and also that he had the best sex with me ever. He said he has never been so satisfied before. We had sex on regular basis; at least once a day...
After 9 months we started to live together (We have been 15 months together). I have moved out to the other part of Manchester far away from my friends and family... for him! In the beginning everything was great; he was helping me with shopping, cooking etc. He kept saying that he is dead happy with me and loves us living together. I know he was taking cocaine the whole time we have been together but he has reduced it a lot. Just taking it on the weekends and stopped sniffing at 10 in order to go to bed together and wake up together. I did not like it as I did not take these things serious but I knew that I could not expect too much from him as I know he needed to get over step by step. Unfortunately he started taking more again... I did not know what to do it was the only reason we were arguing about. When he was sober he was a great man... but anyway he could always apologise afterwards.... I also drank in the week (bottle of wine every day) but I did not really mind that as he did not get drunk because he was caring about his work a lot... Unfortunately it started getting worse I don’t know what I have done wrong or why he just stopped trying... he started seeing his friends again and I was so scared when I saw him sniffing cocaine and blood came from his nose and still he would continue to take the cocaine... I was scared to fall asleep on weekends as I was afraid that when i wake up in the morning I would find a dead man in the living room... I love him so much; I was so scared so lost I could not stop crying... He started to be unpleasant to me called me a “fucking idiot” and started blaming me for everything. He said that I should be grateful as he is not going out with his mates just sitting in the living room when i am sleeping so what is my problem?? Then he stopped apologising to me and started ignoring my tears and pain... When I realised that my warnings and discussions are not helping, I decided to move out and I was hoping that it will be a shock for him and he will realise what is really important in his life... I could not have been more wrong.....
I remember this day ... the worst in my life ... I was packing all my stuff in black sacks, was crying my eyes out all day I was even sick from stress couldn’t eat for few days couldn’t sleep lost 6 kilograms... while i was packing he ignored me and just kept watching comedies on TV and was laughing ... however, the day before he told me that he loves me the most in the world that I am not only his girlfriend but his best friend and he never want to lose me ...It was a Wednesday after Christmas... I moved back to my parents. The only thing I have heard from him since then was a message that it will be hard to get used to that I am not around and he is sorry but he wants to life this kind of life for at least a year or more... To be honest, this coldness hurt me far more than his addiction.... Now almost the third month passed since I haven’t heard from him....

I thought that this moving out will be an initiative for him.....It was not....It was a shock to me... I do not know whether I am not normal or something else but something inside me died. I cannot stop crying, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep at night... I have nightmares about him taking too many cocaine and pills and seeing him dying....I was at the doctors and I have received pills for depression, I also attending sessions of psychological therapy but they are not helping me at all ...I still continue to see my therapist every week but I still do not know what is going on with me. After the first few weeks since I started my therapy, I started going out of the house again (before I was not able to leave the house and just lying in my bed and watching the ceiling for 3 weeks or even more) , I started to date other boys, but I only could cope like that for a short time ... I know that I have a better life without him and I have realised that I have valuable friends and a loving family... But I feel I cannot be happy anymore, I was trying to live my life but I just cannot pretend anymore that I’m fine.....
I still cannot sleep at night, I wake up every single hour because I am dreaming about him, crying when I go to bed or while I am taking a shower as I do not want my family to worry - they have had enough of my depression... I do not want to worry my friend as well as they are trying to help me but probably getting frustrated that it is 3 months now and I am still so upset....
I think this is some sort of obsession, I trace the ground underfoot I feel so addicted to him I cannot live without him I am not interested in other boys... and those nightmares... I am mental I guess..... I know I did well moving out but I regret it a lot although I understand that there is no future with someone like him but still I didn’t give up hope....
I cannot even hate him... It makes me upset when someone is talking badly about him... I love him with all my heart....I cannot stop thinking what is wrong with me; why he has stopped loving me? I thought that if I delete his number, dispose all pictures and presents from him, block him on Face book I will forget quick ... It does not work! I did not know what to do I wanted to kill myself but unfortunately i took to little pills and ended up vomiting and shaking for 3 days.... I wish I took more...
I want to come back to life, to who I was before; I want to be happy XXXXXXX again. I have experienced so much: IU did not have a father, my grandma died in front of my eyes, I was living with a mentally ill aunt till I was 18, and I had an abortion.... all of this did not break me and I still had energy to live... And now one guy has destroyed my life...He is so happy without me (my friend told me that because she still has him on facebook).
Please someone help me!!!
Posted Wed, 13 Mar 2013 in Mental Health
Answered by Dr. Payman Hajiazim 55 minutes later

Thanks for asking.

It happens sometimes that grief lasts more than 3 months. The reason could be that your bond has been so strong and he is an affectionate guy as you have described. The fact is that his addiction makes living with him too difficult and I should say that you have done a right thing if he does not want to quit cocaine.

Grief has several stages and they usually pass stage by stage and it takes time. Hanging out with other boys does not necessarily facilitates the process of leaving him mentally. If you get close to another man emotionally, it can definitely help. You should avoid the benzodiazepines (drugs like lorazepam, clonazepam, etc) which are prescribed for anxiety or sometimes as a sleep promoter, since they interfere with the normal process of grief and makes it to last so much longer than expected. As you have experienced important loss (absence of your father), you are vulnerable to depression. If you continue your therapy with a person who works on the personality issues and find a more strong ego during the next few months and also start to think about going to university and plan for it (as it has been your desire), you will be able to handle your emotions toward him as well. Please feel free to ask any question from me. I wish you a good health.
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