Well it all started I was in a relationship with a guy I got preg. we got married when I was 6 months preg. turned out he was a cheater and abusive. I left that relationship after 18 months then met a guy 4 months later we got together very fast moved in together right away had a few atopic preg. then had one child with this guy 5 years later we marry and lasted 22 years 8 of the 22 he was having an affair. he to was abusive had him charged for assault 15 years ago. till stayed with him. then one day I had to leave and finally did it after years of saying I am out of here. I lost everything by leaving I lost my home my security my farm animals my belongings my horse my donkeys well just about my whole life. then I had a break down 12 days after leaving my home I had really no where to go the people you think will be there for you suddenly are not there. and I was going to jump off an over pass and kill myself. my daughter and best friend got me before it happened. they took me to a mental hospital I was there for over a month I felt safe and secure there. then while I was in there I met a guy who was going through depression and we hooked up and from that day we were living together. months later it turns out he is an alcoholic and was physical abusive I had him charged then dropped the charges things were good for months then it started up again then things got bad I called the cops he was arrested for breach of his probation but I did not tell them the physical part that happened. just to spare him time in jail. I miss him I hate living here alone. I get scared and no one here to protect me. when he was sober he was the best bf in the world. after 12 beers he gets angry about his past and takes it out on me. I know he is not healthy for me but I feel I cant live with out him... what do you think is wrong with me..?? my anxiety is through the roof I am restless cant sleep give things away to people to make the feel better and the regret it later ???