First of all I am 19 years old male with no history of mental illnesses, no abuse, and a normal happy life, with happy family. I don t do drugs, but I smoke and drink, or used to drink a lot of coffee, before this happened. My Mental HELL began 3 months ago.(22.07.2017 I DON T GET IT HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN IN ONE DAY) I feel like something in my mind broke... And do you know the reason? I heard of someone(Chester From Linkin Park) who died by suicide. Since then, my life changed completely. I don t know why. I don t know how. I don t know what to do next. I suddenly asked myself:  Why he did it, he had 6 kids, he had everything? What kind of force drive him to suicide? What stops me from doing it too? and then I experienced something strange, something confusing. I have really hard time describing what is happening in my brain(nearly impossible), but i will try. Life feels meaningless without any apparent reason. I am constantly anxious, have less energy. I don t go outside as I used to. I am constantly in my home, searching google articles about mental issues and so on. I am constantly in my head. My interest in people dissapeared. There are other weird feelings in my head:(As I said, I can t trully describe them.) Weird feeling: Like when this happens EVERYTHING SEEMS DARKER AND DOOMED, LIKE IN A HORROR MOVIE? Weird feeling: I simply cannot get out of my head when it happens, constant negative thoughts(i listed them above) weird feeling in the stomach, feeling dissociated from sveryone, everything i imagine in my head, even my home seems dark and doomed? weird random feeling: Like life is meaningless?!? Without a reason??? weird feeling: It feels like i imagine waking up everyday but it feels like i am waking every minute. weird feeling: Feels like I won t be here soon.(generated From the scary thoughts. weird feeling: When I try to do something I can t do for long time. Eventually there is a weird feeling associated with a throughts like the above that doesn t allow me to do it. It is strange, feels like anxiety a bit, but not exactly. weird feeling: When I am relatively okay, there is a feeling like I am anxious, idk strange feeling in the stomach(not exactly anxiety.) Can t fully describe it. weird feeling: Like i am dissociated with life(not like the derealization stuff) - again I am not sure what it is it feels strange. weird feeling: Feeling like I don t want to get better.(This is the scariest one.) weird feeling: Feeling like years have passed between my old life and now. weird feeling: Feeling like there is no emotional content in my memories. weird feeling: Confusion if I am suicidal or not?!?!?! weird feeling: Feeling like a wave between now and the future happens in my head and makes me feel tired and anxious.(This happens especially in the morning, when I stand up and stop being sleepy it dissapears.) weird feeling: When I do something it randomly appears it is like a feeling of /suicidality/hopelessness/flying feeling/ (not sure can t describe it.) and when this happens there is a strike in my stomach. weird feeling: There are pictures stuck in my head(2 or 3) mostly regarding to future. for example: me in the garden of my university walking - like i am looking at myself from a flying drone. they seem dark or super bright in my head. weird feeling: Feeling that there is something wrong with my thinking pattern and my rational thinking. weird feeling: Sudden feeling of being trapped(In life?). (It happens randomly.) weird feeling: That I will suicide if I work, and since then I am not working. weird feeling: Going out seems weird/scary/overwhelming/I don t know. weird feeling: Something that happened a long time ago seems close, something that happened a short time ago feels far. weird feeling: This is about babies. Somewhere I have read I don t want kids on this terrible world. And now there is a weird feeling when I see a baby. weird feeling: Everything seems darker. Weird feeling: When I read here on reddit someone who is suicidal/depressed etc. All of the feelings come back and it feels like i am feeling the same way as him. (When time passes I can see the difference.) *AND THE MOST IMPORTANT* :**WEIRD FEELING THAT IF I WORK/GO TO UNIVERSITY OR FEEL OVERWHELMED I WILL S....... FEELING THAT I AM ALREADY OVERWHELMED AND WILL S......** Yesterday I read somewhere that you are suicidal if you have desire to die. When I read this I had (? I am not sure what i felt -???Anxiety attack??? )and the thoughts felt so real like I am feeling the same way, it lasted about an hour then I felt normal, and the thoughts seemed less real. I went to a psychiatrist, and told him about the throughts. He asked me if i have a plan or fantasie about.... Then I said no, but i see intrusive images. And he said that it is ocd. I don t have much symptoms of depression. But I do have less/none interest in the things that used to be intrerested. I go less outside. I am more irritable. I can t tell if I have anxiety because I want it or because I don t. I am afraid of the summer comming, because I read somewhere that people often do it then and now it feels so damn real. It happened in one day I don t get it. Also I went to 4 Psychiatrists and 1 Psychologist, I asked them if this is Major Depresive Disorder, they said that it is unlikely, because I have very few symptoms, They asked me if i set goals to high and so on. And none of them said that it is major depresion, very unlikely. Also, for about two weeks I was relatively fine, the thoughts were still there, but seemed less likely. Then all of a sudden after i read about a guy who was suicidal. The thoughts came back and feel realer than the real. The scary thing is that there are feelings, not only thoughts. For example: Yesterday I read somewhere that you are suicidal if you have 100% desire to die. Then I got hit by (anxiety) not sure and the thoughts seemed even more real, like i really had a desire. It lasted about an hour then I calmed and the thoughts felt less real. Today the same thing happened. Today I also had pulsating neck pain on the right side.(Maybe it is sign of anixety?!?! Maybe not?!?) What the actual f**k?? I don t wish to not being born, to not exist or to not wake up tomorrow for example. But there is a strange, unexplainable feeling that makes me think I am suicidal. WTF? Also when I read somewhere that you should ignore or not give attention to the thoughts because it may become worse, I feel even more terrified because I can t ignore the thoughts. Also the feeling that I don t want to get better makes me more terrified. Does that sound like Active SI? And many ??intrusive?? suicidal thoughts about 16 to be exact, I picked a lot of them while researching and now they are stuck in my head. But I will not list them because they may trigger someone. I visited 5 psychiatrists, yet, no clear diagnosis. One of them suggested Adjustment Disorder, but I don t think that this is the case, exept I moved to new city(1 year ago.)(because I study there.), and had a lot of stress during exams, nothing more. Everytime i post on reddit i feel like i missed something.... Do I sound suicidal? Thanks in advance, have a good night.