Brief Answer:
Your fantasies are not abnormal.

Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXX,

Welcome to Healthcare Magic!

What you call "daydreams" are known as sexual fantasies and are so common that almost everybody has them. You are, however, distressed by the content of your fantasies. As a child, you saw your mother being abused and insulted by her husband. It used to hurt you to see her treated like this but now you see yourself being treated in this way in your fantasies. You are confused that what once used to distress you now arouses you and brings you orgasm.

First of all, what is happening with you is not a psychiatric disease. It is a very normal psychological reaction to your childhood experiences. One's sexual choices begin not in adulthood but in early childhood. What one sees as a child is gradually ingrained in the psyche and is accepted by the person as one's own. Since your early experiences of sex involved a man dominating a woman, these gradually came to be accepted by your psyche as an example of what sex is supposed to be. Later when you grew up, your fantasies showed you what your psyche learnt as a very young child.

There are some other factors which perhaps are responsible for increasing the frequency of your fantasy. Young women often grow up feeling that sex is wrong or "dirty". This is enforced by cultural taboos and social customs. This leads to people feeling guilty about sex. Many psychologists believe that fantasies about humiliated or overpowered during sex arise from guilt and because of the belief that "since I am guilty, I must be treated badly and punished".

There is another reason as well. Women always expect their partner to be more powerful than them. That is why muscular men are found to be attractive to women. Because of your early childhood experiences, you saw your mother's husband expressing his power by abusing your mother. That is why, your fantasies show your partner expressing his power by abusing you or ill treating you.

Low self esteem is another factor that may be responsible for your enjoyment of your fantasies. As a child, you did not experience a validating and encouraging relationship with the male members in the family, which sowed the seeds of low self esteem. You have mentioned having social difficulties recently which have perhaps added to your feelings of low self esteem. Because of this inherent low self esteem, your psyche feels that you deserve to be treated in this way because you are no better than your mother. That is why, these fantasies are accepted by your psyche and found pleasurable.

The purpose of this long explanation, which might have seemed complicated to you because of the psychological theories involved, was to convince you that you are not abnormal. What is happening is the result of your childhood experiences, so do not blame yourself for this. Other women who have been through similar childhoods have similar fantasies, so you are not alone. If you feel guilty about these fantasies, you will have even lower self esteem and this will just worsen your problems.

Please feel free to ask whatever questions you like. I shall do my best to answer. Your follow up queries will be sent to me directly. Once this thread is closed, you can again contact me if needed by putting a direct query in my name.

My sincere apologies for being a psychiatrist and not a psychologist, but I took up this question for two reasons. Firstly because I have an interest in these kind of problems women face after a unhealthy childhood. Secondly because your question had not taken up by any psychologist even after hours.

Best wishes.

Dr Preeti Parakh
MD Psychiatry

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Brief Answer:
Described below.

Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXX,

Welcome back!

You are right in wondering that if these fantasies were rooted in your childhood, then why have they surfaced now only. Psychoanalytic theories, especially those of Freud, believe that most of the mental problems that arise in adulthood are rooted in childhood experiences and that these manifest at later ages only because these are held in the subconscious mind. Certain events or circumstances may bring these to the surface and then only, symptoms arise. Psychoanalysts believe that almost all mental disorders, including OCD, also are influenced by childhood experiences.

In your case, many things may have been responsible for the appearance of fantasies at that particular time only. Your remembering your mother may have done it. Or it could have been due to something that you saw or read, that reminded you of these things. Stress can also cause emotional churning and bring up material from the subconscious.

I can understand why the psychiatrist might have thought that this is OCD. In some persons with OCD, there are some recurrent and intrusive sexual images but these cannot be controlled by the person. For example, they may come when the person is walking on the road or washing dishes. This then hampers their ability to perform the task that they were doing. But in your case, it appeared to me that you are having fantasies or "daydreams" as you called them, and not intrusive imagery. Fantasies can be controlled by the person. For example, if you are fantasizing and someone calls you for some task, you will have no trouble in interrupting the fantasy and doing the task.

Last but not the least, OCD is influenced by both genetic factors and childhood experiences.

Best wishes.

Dr Preeti Parakh
MD Psychiatry

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Brief Answer:
You are right about daydreams.

Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXX,

Nice to hear from you again.

A daydream is a short-term detachment from one's immediate surroundings, during which a person's contact with reality is blurred and partially substituted by a fantasy. You are right in saying that this is a stage between sleep in wakefulness. And if this is what has been happening with you, then these are not obsessions and you need not worry about OCD.

Regarding controlling them, if you are able to interrupt a daydream or fantasy to carry out some task that requires attention, e.g. taking a phone call, then you are already able to control your daydreams. If however, you would like to reduce their frequency, try to keep yourself alert whenever you are studying and start feeling sleepy. Alertness will prevent your slipping off into daydreams. Since daydreams are more enjoyable than other activities like studying, our mind does not stop us from daydreaming. So rather than feeling guilty about this, try to remain alert when you are doing some boring tasks and feel that you are likely to start daydreaming. Take frequent small breaks in between periods of attentive study so that you do not feel tired. Whenever you feel that you are going to drop off into a daydream, get up and take a small break to refresh yourself.

Regarding your sex life, I feel you should increase your exposure to other kinds of sex where the female partner is treated as an equal. You can do this by watching or reading suitable pornography. See whether you get turned on by these or not. This exposure will help your subconscious mind realize that there are other experiences besides the ones you had in your childhood and you have a right to choose what you like best for yourself. Avoid doing things which distress you later.

You can ask me a question directly on this site through the link: WWW.WWWW.WW
Please feel free to contact any time you feel that I can do something for you.

Best wishes.

Dr Preeti Parakh
MD Psychiatry

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Brief Answer:
Start with romantic novels.

Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXX,

You can try reading romantic novels published by Mills and Boon, Harlequin, Silhouette etc. These are love stories with liberal doses of sex. Since there are different types of heroines, you will get exposed to different types of sexual encounters and can see if you get turned on by these. These books are widely available in libraries and book stores. You can start with these.

Best wishes.

Dr Preeti Parakh
MD Psychiatry

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