I m 19 male, have huge memory gaps. Average upbringing, psychopath father (dead) never met him, disgusting stories, someone truly bad. Sweet mother. I was raised with my older brother, younger sister, kind mum and concerning grandmother, middle child, left out, different, I was born prematurely but I have grown well, I am not mentally/physically retarded. I used to talk to my self a lot as a kid, sit alone, keen eye when it came to judging grown ups, social interaction was embarrassing, I failed at it a lot, I thrived to fit in and be cool like my older brother, my family and I used to fight a lot, they didnt except me in my pre - early teens growing up, as I used to grow my hair and listen to loud music, they would verbally abuse me, one time my mum ran a bath and tried to hold my head under it, i ran away a few times but truthfully I just wanted to be free of oppression, things got better as I rebelled. I was not like other kids, I was weird, cold and trying too hard to fit in because I had no idea who I was, no ambition, no identity, I just existed, not lived, still dont.i used to find creative ways to kill bugs and frogs etc, even in my mid teens i was taking home frogs and pouring candlewax in there eyes and chopping off the limbs. There was incest in my family as a child, i didn t care its common as a child, it happened with a lot of my relatives bro, sis, cousin etc in my mid teens it carried on with one of them, i didnt care or see how it was uncomfortable as it was all just pleasure Update: in high school I had fights, I hated bullies i would **** them up for the slightest confrontation, adrenaline made me feel strong and powerful I had one proper relationship and a few one day fling things, that didnt go very well at all, women crazier than me i just started not to care about anything, I even had gay relations more than female not gay at all i just didnt care i wanted certain things like drugs, money, alcohol and through these acts I got them because charm wasnt a skill of mine Update 2: i know how to manipulate relationships gon down hill any connection had from leavin school crumbled as people could see how bad I was fitting in my social interactions are awful, but i now mastered picking up signals of those around me and acting accordingl, im almost pro at it i still **** up though, now iv developed extremely shallow emotions, i have to do dangerous things to feel slight joy and to feel alive, the only emotion that remains is anxiety and thats because of weed, which iv stopped Update 3: had a faze of voices which passed in early teens nd to this day i have developed impulsive and sick sexual behavior like sometimes i will go out at night and bury my self in soil etc it brings adrenaline and recently a family friend, somewhat as a grandfather as a kid died, i didnt even care, i had to pretend to grieve, so i got drunk and made crocodile tears so the world wouldnt see I was heartless. point is my emotions are very shallow, i barley care of others unless i can gain Update 4: i have few friends and they dont know me at all really, i constantly wear a mask because i have no identity, im close with no one and I just want to blend in, i want real connections but i cant really care for others, im incapable it seems. and sometimes i want to kill or hurt people, im easily frustrated what is wrong with me?