Hi,I ve always had a problem with moodyness. I use to think it was both a good thing and bad. I can become overly happy and ecstatic for no real reason at all in a split second, but the simplest things can send me into an extreme fit. I m not really sure how to describe it, so I ll do my best. At times I ll become full of anger, rage, and just get irrational. I could be sent into hour long crying sessions, and not just like crying, but screaming and crying and rocking around almost like I m crazy. I get insane, so bad that by the next day I ll be swelled in the face and have sore throats; I ll get so angered I ll throw things, and break them. Its like a click goes off in my head and no matter how much I ve trained myself to stay logical I don t really care. I have to be in my mood because in my state of mind it s how I should be. Then once my mood switches off, I become normal again and ridden with guilt, because I know how I acted was wrong. I try and control it but nothing I do seems to help at all. It s mainly affecting my relationship with my boyfriend, he tells me all the time that my emotions he can t handle. For example on New Years Eve we hung out, but during the day he was helping his friend get his car to the shop, then bought a couch and I was so angry that I went into a fit, I started crying, and threw things around in my room, I started acting like I didn t care for him at all, I started saying things that I didn t mean. Once we did hang out, I picked a fight with him. As soon as I was done I became normal. Then we went to a party with his friends, and because we didn t kiss as soon as the ball dropped I instantly became silent and the rest of the night wouldn t talk, and at two in the morning when he was falling asleep I became angered with him for not talking to me, I jumped up made loud noises to wake him, he had to come over and grab me and hold me I started shouting and was irrational. Then the next morning before I went to work, he wanted to keep sleeping instead of going with me on the drive to work(his mom took me) and I became so angry and hurt. Like he didn t love me or something. So I sat across the room at him, it was about nine in the morning and he kept falling back asleep, so I was furious. After I made loud noises and shouted at him that I would go wait with his mom(i didn t have to leave for 40 minutes) he got up and kept asking me to come over to him and kiss him and sit with him for awhile, I kept shouting why and you never wanna be around me etc. I wouldn t go near him I was angry, I refused to kiss or hug him goodbye. I treated him like crap, and went on in a fit. Once I left I immediatly felt horrible and on break at work I texted him how sorry I was and that I didn t mean to treat him that way. When he didn t reply, I sent him more apologetic texts. Now this morning, seeing there was still no reply I started bawling and ripping at my sheets and bed covers, I was throwing myself around on my bed, then curled up and cried for about an hour. Then in an instant I snapped completely back to normal. This happens daily, every day. I could be the happiest girl in the world, then minutes later feel like I m dying. One night I was drinking, and he and his mom on the way to picking me up almost got in an accident for bad weather, and had to turn around. I snapped into this mood where I went crazy and was screaming on the top of my lungs that I wanted to die, and he didnt love me, that I wanted to kill myself. My mother had to come in and grab me and put me into bed, but I kept getting out and for hours and hours, I was in an extreme depressed state, over nothing at all. It happens a lot, and if you knew us both you d know that I m delusional when I say these things, because we ve been together for almost two years, he s the best thing to ever happen to me, and he s always sweet and supportive of me. But when something snaps in my head it s like I m someone else, and I no longer can control it. This is a really long message, but I ve been quietly looking up things about bipolar and I would like to know if I could be? For the longest time I thought I could be but refused to accept any idea because I didn t want anything to be wrong with me. I have no money for counseling or whatever it is that people do or get when they re bipolar. I m just sitting here at the breaking point, I can t keep going into these rages for nothing, I want to know if there s a medical reason why I do it, or if I m just going insane. I can t handle these depressed states I get into where I want to die, and run away, where I hate myself. I can get so disgusted with myself that I just burst into tears, it s not normal. I wanted to know if anyone could help?