After i had my son born in 11/11, my mind is not the sharp dependable mind it was before. My attention span is about an inch long. I sm unable to finish sentences because i don't forget but my mind derails to another subject. A bit of childhood background: my mims second evil exhusband began full on sodomizing me at age 3 or 4. Ive tried to block out the physically painful memories but i still feel my anus and vagina tearing to this day. I sacrificed myself so he would not do anything to my two year older big brother who was in special ed classes. I was fine mentally, 100% compared to brother Eric. He told me if i didn't cooperate and act like i liked him and oral and anal and vaginal sex, all deeply penetrating, then he would not think twice about hurting "the retard" (his words). He told me he would hurt my beloved grandparents. When I finally told my mother she slapped me and said the evil demon was a good man. I couldn't sit down for 4 days and had to wear long pants to school so nobody would see the blood blisters. These memories are worse now in 30s. I am 38. I can't focus on one thing at a time and I still don't finish that project or chore. I have painted my house 3 times. I can't keep up with others conversations. I feel very abnormal. However I did great in high school. But after i was abandoned by my mother to go to university, the same old unfocused, uncaring Jennifer was back in full force. I have tried concerta and stattera. Adderrall 30 or 20mg XR is all that keeps both of my feet (figuratively speaking) on the ground and my focus directed to the tasks at hand. I need help. My family life is just as affected. I get called an idiot and my husband's favourite, "Surely you cant be that stupid. You're just fycking with me because nobody is that stupid! " That hurts so bad because I love him so much and so unconditionally. Please help me.
Thank You
Jennifer