Sign-in to Ask A Doctor - 24x7
OR
Sign in with Google
How To Deal With Stress, Frustration And Emotional Strain At The Work Place?
Question: XXXXXXX here,
Following on from your last response. When I was working with a key worker from mindincambs she did mention that she thought I invest a lot in being unwell as that keeps people close to me and keeps people supporting me.
I feel my head is constantly in two minds. One part of my head is always wound up/stressed/frustrated emotional because of the emotional strain all my symptoms put my head under. However, in an another way somehow feeling unwell also feels a safe place to be because it gets me attention from others. It keep people looking after me/supporting me. I know my head sounds like its really messed up with the way it works. I sound like a young attention seeking child, when actually I am nearly 34 years old.
Every time my best friend or my partner mentions some sort of support me has, I respond by saying something like, at "At least you have that support/At least you have family around you or who come to see you I don't have that luxury". This in turn makes me sound like a jealousy person which does frustrate me and wind me up.
You said in your latest communication back to me that you would like to explore something in more detail. Can I ask you for you to explain what that is again. Whatever it is I am happy to do it.
I know I wrote to you earlier today, which I have not yet received a response from you. But I would just like to bring another issue to your attention that I am struggling with at present. I have approached with my partner the fact that I feel you can go from one extreme to the other in regard to how much contact he wants/he is happy with; as well as him feeling I go from one extreme to the other with my level of contact with him.
He has totally denied that he complains sometimes regarding my level of contact basically telling me that he totally disagrees that he feels this is the case and he thinks it is all me, which I feel is completely unfair.
I have thought about this contact with him since it happened earlier today, and I have realised that as soon as I feel he is being unfair and uncooperative with me there is no talking to him/reasoning with him as I feel any continuation of a conversation with him ends up with us both going round in circles and/or ending up in an argument/disagreement.
Following on from your last response. When I was working with a key worker from mindincambs she did mention that she thought I invest a lot in being unwell as that keeps people close to me and keeps people supporting me.
I feel my head is constantly in two minds. One part of my head is always wound up/stressed/frustrated emotional because of the emotional strain all my symptoms put my head under. However, in an another way somehow feeling unwell also feels a safe place to be because it gets me attention from others. It keep people looking after me/supporting me. I know my head sounds like its really messed up with the way it works. I sound like a young attention seeking child, when actually I am nearly 34 years old.
Every time my best friend or my partner mentions some sort of support me has, I respond by saying something like, at "At least you have that support/At least you have family around you or who come to see you I don't have that luxury". This in turn makes me sound like a jealousy person which does frustrate me and wind me up.
You said in your latest communication back to me that you would like to explore something in more detail. Can I ask you for you to explain what that is again. Whatever it is I am happy to do it.
I know I wrote to you earlier today, which I have not yet received a response from you. But I would just like to bring another issue to your attention that I am struggling with at present. I have approached with my partner the fact that I feel you can go from one extreme to the other in regard to how much contact he wants/he is happy with; as well as him feeling I go from one extreme to the other with my level of contact with him.
He has totally denied that he complains sometimes regarding my level of contact basically telling me that he totally disagrees that he feels this is the case and he thinks it is all me, which I feel is completely unfair.
I have thought about this contact with him since it happened earlier today, and I have realised that as soon as I feel he is being unfair and uncooperative with me there is no talking to him/reasoning with him as I feel any continuation of a conversation with him ends up with us both going round in circles and/or ending up in an argument/disagreement.
Brief Answer:
Private Consultation
Detailed Answer:
Thanks for reaching out again, XXXXXXX I'm glad we've got the ball rolling on some therapy together.
I think it's incredibly insightful of you to recognize that feeling and identifying with being unwell is a mechanism you use to get love and attention from others. Not many people with this mechanism recognize they have it, so you're far ahead of the pack on that front. I think whenever you catch yourself making yourself out to be very ill, you can lean on this understanding, and ask yourself, is this just me looking for attention? Is there a healthier way to go about feeling loved?
This is not a childish thing that you should be ashamed of. Not at all. It's a defense you have developed to protect yourself from deeply painful feelings of abandonment that have their roots in how your parents abandoned you. You should not be ashamed of this -- it's not your fault. But by using your sharp mind to recognize maladaptive patterns, you might be able to interact with people in a more healthy way.
Tell me more about this current conflict with your partner. Can you give an example of these swings in preference of different levels of contact?
Dr. Sheppe
Private Consultation
Detailed Answer:
Thanks for reaching out again, XXXXXXX I'm glad we've got the ball rolling on some therapy together.
I think it's incredibly insightful of you to recognize that feeling and identifying with being unwell is a mechanism you use to get love and attention from others. Not many people with this mechanism recognize they have it, so you're far ahead of the pack on that front. I think whenever you catch yourself making yourself out to be very ill, you can lean on this understanding, and ask yourself, is this just me looking for attention? Is there a healthier way to go about feeling loved?
This is not a childish thing that you should be ashamed of. Not at all. It's a defense you have developed to protect yourself from deeply painful feelings of abandonment that have their roots in how your parents abandoned you. You should not be ashamed of this -- it's not your fault. But by using your sharp mind to recognize maladaptive patterns, you might be able to interact with people in a more healthy way.
Tell me more about this current conflict with your partner. Can you give an example of these swings in preference of different levels of contact?
Dr. Sheppe
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Arnab Banerjee
He doesn't seem to be happy whatever contact I make. I don't seem to get a happy medium and the way he response to this I feel he blames me for my apparent inability to get the level of contact right. He has communicated to me that he totally disagree that he is in any part to blame for the frequency of contact level issues. He has said that limited contact; 2/3 times a day is fine by him not asking for me to disagree/agree or come up with an other suggestions
Brief Answer:
Private Followup
Detailed Answer:
Tell me more about this relationship so I can better understand the level of contact that is happening. How long have you been together? Do you live in the same house/apartment? Are you married? How would you describe him generally? Can you tell me a story of an experience in your relationship that stands out to you? Then we can better assess how to approach this contact issue.
Dr. Sheppe
Private Followup
Detailed Answer:
Tell me more about this relationship so I can better understand the level of contact that is happening. How long have you been together? Do you live in the same house/apartment? Are you married? How would you describe him generally? Can you tell me a story of an experience in your relationship that stands out to you? Then we can better assess how to approach this contact issue.
Dr. Sheppe
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Raju A.T
We are in a long distance relationship at present. I live East of England (Huntingdon) and he lives down south (Ockley/Dorking/Surrey). We have know each other for 15 years. He had a seizure about 2 years ago which has changed his personality. He is on Keppra which is making him quick tempered/and argumentative and I cant talk to him when he is being unfair/unreasonable and argumentative. He even goes as far as diagareeing he doeanit
Brief Answer:
Private Followup
Detailed Answer:
This sounds like a difficult situation indeed. As you may well be aware, both seizures and (especially) Keppra can change a person's personality, sometimes quite substantially. Working through things long-distance makes it even more difficult.
You are clearly compassionate and empathetic about his situation. This is the #1 thing you can do -- be supportive, and remember that his quick-to-anger nature might be medication-induced, rather than how he actually feels.
What are your long-term plans with this gentleman? Do you plan on moving to the same city? Marriage? Moving in together? It may be that the long-distance nature of the relationship is placing too much strain on both of you.
How often does he want to be in contact with you during the day? You mentioned 2-3 times, I believe? Is this sufficient for you, or do you want more?
Dr. Sheppe
Private Followup
Detailed Answer:
This sounds like a difficult situation indeed. As you may well be aware, both seizures and (especially) Keppra can change a person's personality, sometimes quite substantially. Working through things long-distance makes it even more difficult.
You are clearly compassionate and empathetic about his situation. This is the #1 thing you can do -- be supportive, and remember that his quick-to-anger nature might be medication-induced, rather than how he actually feels.
What are your long-term plans with this gentleman? Do you plan on moving to the same city? Marriage? Moving in together? It may be that the long-distance nature of the relationship is placing too much strain on both of you.
How often does he want to be in contact with you during the day? You mentioned 2-3 times, I believe? Is this sufficient for you, or do you want more?
Dr. Sheppe
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Raju A.T
It seems in his head what I want doesn't really come into it. I have tried to express what I want and he has accused me of getting my own way all the time in the relationship. He doesn't seem to see that what he is accusing me of, he actually seems to be doing himself, but he wont see that/be told.
Because of my difficulties I do seem to very much have the mind set that letting him treat me however he wants is better/easier sometimes than trying to address the issues of his behaviour with him and this just ends up in constant disagreement/argument depending on what mood he is in.
I do have plans to go back down south to live at least closer to him, we can work on meeting up fairly frequently, as we r only at present meeting up one every 10 years.
We have had a number of splits in the time we have known each other/been together, but we have both come to an understanding that we need to be in each others lives to permanently split.
When I have him in a good mood/stable mentally/emotionally he is the sweetest/kindest/supportive/loving/most understanding partner I could wish for. However when he is going through what I can only describe as a Keppra flare-up he is argumentative/unreasonable/snappy/quick tempered generally quite hard work which is heart breaking for me
Because of my difficulties I do seem to very much have the mind set that letting him treat me however he wants is better/easier sometimes than trying to address the issues of his behaviour with him and this just ends up in constant disagreement/argument depending on what mood he is in.
I do have plans to go back down south to live at least closer to him, we can work on meeting up fairly frequently, as we r only at present meeting up one every 10 years.
We have had a number of splits in the time we have known each other/been together, but we have both come to an understanding that we need to be in each others lives to permanently split.
When I have him in a good mood/stable mentally/emotionally he is the sweetest/kindest/supportive/loving/most understanding partner I could wish for. However when he is going through what I can only describe as a Keppra flare-up he is argumentative/unreasonable/snappy/quick tempered generally quite hard work which is heart breaking for me
Brief Answer:
Private Followup
Detailed Answer:
I think once again you show a lot of insight when you note that it might be easier for you to let him mistreat you rather than confronting him. You do this because in your mind, perhaps, it is better to be mistreated and be in a relationship, than to be alone. Per your description, he has a lot of good things going for him, and can be very loving. But it also seems like he is not fully considering your feelings. This might be totally related to the Keppra. It might not, though.
I wonder if you have tried exploring romantic relationships with other people. People who do not mistreat you at times. Or have you only been with this one person for so many years?
Dr. Sheppe
Private Followup
Detailed Answer:
I think once again you show a lot of insight when you note that it might be easier for you to let him mistreat you rather than confronting him. You do this because in your mind, perhaps, it is better to be mistreated and be in a relationship, than to be alone. Per your description, he has a lot of good things going for him, and can be very loving. But it also seems like he is not fully considering your feelings. This might be totally related to the Keppra. It might not, though.
I wonder if you have tried exploring romantic relationships with other people. People who do not mistreat you at times. Or have you only been with this one person for so many years?
Dr. Sheppe
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Arnab Banerjee
I have had one relationship I had for 2 years, which was a serious relationship before all my difficulties kicked in and my last ex who I am still good friends with. They r the only 3 serious relationships I have ever had
Brief Answer:
Private Followup
Detailed Answer:
I'm learning more about you with each response. I think I have a good idea about some of the roots of your fears stemming from childhood, though we should explore that more. I think delving more into these 3 relationships you have had might be helpful. We can search for any problematic patterns that we can then seek to understand and perhaps reverse. In this way we can start to understand your current difficulties with your partner and how they might be avoided.
This is the end of this thread (4 followups). Go ahead and rate and close it, and open up a new one at my private link. We'll continue making progress!
tinyurl.com/DrSheppeAnswers
Dr. Sheppe
Private Followup
Detailed Answer:
I'm learning more about you with each response. I think I have a good idea about some of the roots of your fears stemming from childhood, though we should explore that more. I think delving more into these 3 relationships you have had might be helpful. We can search for any problematic patterns that we can then seek to understand and perhaps reverse. In this way we can start to understand your current difficulties with your partner and how they might be avoided.
This is the end of this thread (4 followups). Go ahead and rate and close it, and open up a new one at my private link. We'll continue making progress!
tinyurl.com/DrSheppeAnswers
Dr. Sheppe
Note: For further follow up on related General & Family Physician Click here.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Raju A.T
Answered by
Get personalised answers from verified doctor in minutes across 80+ specialties
