Hello and welcome to Healthcare Magic. Thanks for your query.
I can understand that you are in the midst of a very difficult time. You seem to be going through a depression
which is probaby the cause for your negative and suicidal thoughts. You have mentioned that you have not shared your thoughts with your CBT therapist, but you should understand that you will be able to come out of this phase only if you start talking to someone.
Since you appear very distressed and are having suicidal ideas, I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist
for professional help. If you are feeling too amotivated to do that, then you can take the help of someone known to you - maybe a close friend or a relative. Remember that there is a lot of help available to help you get out of this phase, so, please take the initiative to seek help.
Wish you all the best.
Dr. Jonas Sundarakumar