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Undergoing Counselling, Have Suicidal Thoughts. Want To Speak To Doctor
Question: I am in councelling at the moment and it is going fairly well. However suicidal thoughts have started to creep in again this week and I was free from them for a month. If Dr. Abijeet Deshmukt could answer me again I would very much appreciate it.
Hello.
Glad to hear from you again. It's nice to know you have been free from suicidal thoughts for a month. I am sure the counseling and you own efforts are showing results. Would you like to discuss about the current thoughts? You can write back to me about those.
Take care.
Glad to hear from you again. It's nice to know you have been free from suicidal thoughts for a month. I am sure the counseling and you own efforts are showing results. Would you like to discuss about the current thoughts? You can write back to me about those.
Take care.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Dear Dr. Abhijeet, While there are many areas in my life going well and I do feel stronger - I feel that I am making no headway in the area of sexual health. With my new councellor we are only tip-toeing around the area of abuse that happened when I was 15 but he has a different technique and I'm not sure I can follow it properly at the moment. In one of the sessions he told me that I have to try and see myself as a 15 year old and to look at children of this age and try and re-identify with them. All along whenever I would look at myself at this age I used to feel very exasperated with her and when I would see images in my mind of her stuck in a jail and not eating and sitting in a corner, I used to give out to her and try and move her on. But anyway I now have a much different picture and it is a really gentle one and I have become extremely attached and understanding and supportive towards her. And this is much better for me and I am grateful that my councellor showed me this. But on that particular day - I know my mind was occupied with this new picture but for five hours in the city I just didn't seem to know anybody. I looked at my phone and went through my contacts but I couldn't put a face to anyone on the phone. I forgot who my family was and didn't know how to get home even though the weird thing was that I knew where I was alright. I knew all the streets of the city but was acutely aware that I was among strangers and then I got the bus to another part of the city. All throughout the journey I knew the place I was going to but was still aware that I knew no-body. When I got to a place called Wilton I went into the church because I felt extremely lonely but I only lasted two minutes inside and when I came out I saw a notice listing the activities on the noticeboard. Then I saw the word 'ballet' and I remembered that I always wanted to be a ballerina when I was younger and I became overcome and then became freezing cold. As soon as the cold came I knew I was in trouble so I looked over at the hospital and began to walk towards it. When I got inside I knew where I was and knew where the psychiatric ward was. So I went down and by some amazing chance I met my doctor in the clinic that I attend and instantly recognised him. At that point - the fact that I recognised him alone gave me tremendous relief and I knew that that I would be okey. My doctor's answer on this one was that the mind is very powerful but he couldn't come up with any reason why this could have happened. What do you think Dr?
Hello again.
I might have come across this technique, but I can't be sure of its exact nature. And so, I won’t be able to comment in great details about the usefulness of this technique for this specific situation. But I do think that it may eventually turn out to be beneficial, if it has helped you a bit in the recent past. In any form of therapy, there are certain 'off' days/weeks. It just needs persistence on the part of the therapist/counselor and the client.
I suggest you speak with your counselor about how you would want to know more about this technique. The purpose of doing this exercise should be clear to you as well as the counselor. Then again, the two of you should mutually agree over the purpose and/or the goal of this exercise. I am sure the counselor must have taken care of this, but please check if this part is clearly discussed between you and the counselor.
Since you have mentioned that the current picture is much better, I suppose it will be beneficial to persevere with the technique.
The chain of events on that particular day you have described points out to a few possibilities. The first part of the confused state of mind you experienced was associated with the feeling of not knowing anyone around you. This should have some deeper thought associations in the mind, which you might want to explore in the counseling sessions. And it seems to have started with the lingering thoughts of the new picture you have created of the 15 year old. In what way was it associated can emerge only after a discussion. On the other hand, there may not be an association between the two at all, in which case, we have to think of the possibility of stress, anxiety playing a role. But the exact cause may not be found out.
The second part mostly seems to be about identifying with a 15 year old who couldn't go on and achieve certain things she always wanted to achieve. This thought itself leads to a temporary feeling of helplessness, and so there is much relief with some support or help in sight.
These are just my inferences or hypotheses. I am not sure if we can give a certain name to this condition which you experienced for those 5 hours.
I hope this helps a bit. Let me know your thoughts on this.
Take care.
I might have come across this technique, but I can't be sure of its exact nature. And so, I won’t be able to comment in great details about the usefulness of this technique for this specific situation. But I do think that it may eventually turn out to be beneficial, if it has helped you a bit in the recent past. In any form of therapy, there are certain 'off' days/weeks. It just needs persistence on the part of the therapist/counselor and the client.
I suggest you speak with your counselor about how you would want to know more about this technique. The purpose of doing this exercise should be clear to you as well as the counselor. Then again, the two of you should mutually agree over the purpose and/or the goal of this exercise. I am sure the counselor must have taken care of this, but please check if this part is clearly discussed between you and the counselor.
Since you have mentioned that the current picture is much better, I suppose it will be beneficial to persevere with the technique.
The chain of events on that particular day you have described points out to a few possibilities. The first part of the confused state of mind you experienced was associated with the feeling of not knowing anyone around you. This should have some deeper thought associations in the mind, which you might want to explore in the counseling sessions. And it seems to have started with the lingering thoughts of the new picture you have created of the 15 year old. In what way was it associated can emerge only after a discussion. On the other hand, there may not be an association between the two at all, in which case, we have to think of the possibility of stress, anxiety playing a role. But the exact cause may not be found out.
The second part mostly seems to be about identifying with a 15 year old who couldn't go on and achieve certain things she always wanted to achieve. This thought itself leads to a temporary feeling of helplessness, and so there is much relief with some support or help in sight.
These are just my inferences or hypotheses. I am not sure if we can give a certain name to this condition which you experienced for those 5 hours.
I hope this helps a bit. Let me know your thoughts on this.
Take care.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Yes, Dr. I can see where you are coming from. I guess it was a bit of both. Changing the picture I had of my 15 year old did certainly take over my mind. All along I had an opposite picture with higher expectations and the realisation that my 15 year old couldn't see my life and hadn't the knowledge that I had acquired over the years really hit me hard. I had desperate feelings of remorse towards her and I found myself apologising profusely to her. This day she was suddenly and so incredibly important to me and I wanted to make it up to her so much for being so highly critical of her all along. I brought 'her' shopping and went into all the teenagers shops and kept asking her opinion on what she would love to wear. I spoke long passionate sentences to her all the time in my mind and told her that I would never leave her side again. To this day I can do that and each day I feel that I have now more in common with her than I ever thought possible.
Forgetting people that day was probably the result of discovering again this precious part of myself that had felt as if she was sick for so long. It reminds me of how I was able to put those rapes away into a part of my mind in particular during the years I was raising my seven children. My councellor fully understands how a mother can do this because of the strong protective bond a mother has towards their children and how nothing else can matter to a mother only the welfare of her children. So I think that was very possible in my situation on this particular day because there was essentially a child involved here also.
Another thing I have noticed that is strange to me at the moment Dr. Abhijeet is that (after the fourth session) my right hand has begun to shake. When I lie in bed I usually have my right hand out over the side but a lot of nights now I cannot control the shaking in it. It also happens in the bar so I hold unto it and immediatly try and stop it. And it has become particularly bad after something happening with my husband which I'm not prepared to answer just yet. Is that okey?
Forgetting people that day was probably the result of discovering again this precious part of myself that had felt as if she was sick for so long. It reminds me of how I was able to put those rapes away into a part of my mind in particular during the years I was raising my seven children. My councellor fully understands how a mother can do this because of the strong protective bond a mother has towards their children and how nothing else can matter to a mother only the welfare of her children. So I think that was very possible in my situation on this particular day because there was essentially a child involved here also.
Another thing I have noticed that is strange to me at the moment Dr. Abhijeet is that (after the fourth session) my right hand has begun to shake. When I lie in bed I usually have my right hand out over the side but a lot of nights now I cannot control the shaking in it. It also happens in the bar so I hold unto it and immediatly try and stop it. And it has become particularly bad after something happening with my husband which I'm not prepared to answer just yet. Is that okey?
Hello.
That's perfectly ok. Not every important issue needs urgent attention or discussion with a counselor. Meanwhile, make sure that the shaking of the hand is not due to some physical condition.
I hope you are able to manage and overcome the thoughts of suicide. Please let me know if you need more help with that.
Take care.
That's perfectly ok. Not every important issue needs urgent attention or discussion with a counselor. Meanwhile, make sure that the shaking of the hand is not due to some physical condition.
I hope you are able to manage and overcome the thoughts of suicide. Please let me know if you need more help with that.
Take care.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Dear Dr. Abhijeet Deshmukh, I think there are a lot of reasons for my suicidal thoughts. Many issues come up during them and they are not always the same. Last week I wasn't feeling well at all but something did happen at home. I would prefer to tell you this before I tell someone face-to-face. My husband is a very difficult man to live with. Every day I have to watch his moods and I am very scared of him a lot of the time. Now we have very good moments too and I feel that much progress is made during these times but then something happens out of the blue to cancel all of this out and which makes me study his moods, talk and actions in more detail again. When he is in a bad mood he is particularly abusive towards my kids and one of them in particular. He's not physically abusive but very abusive verbally and he calls him really bad names. When this happens I can approach him and make him stop and I have no fear of him because what ever he does to me - I won't let him do it to the children. He's not actually verbally abusive towards me but some of his comments do hurt me a lot at times but he doesn't use bad language throughout. However, sex is an entirely different matter. He is so awfully rough and there is no such thing as making love in the real sense. It is just sex and he has to be satisfied and once he is it is all over. Many times down through the years he just turns over in the middle of the night and penetrates me and even though I have pointed it out to him it continues to happen all the time. I have also tried my heart out to teach him how to look after me in that way all through the years but because there hasn't been an ounce of improvement I have given up in that sense now. I initiate sex myself a lot now and make sure I look after him but I have to do that now in order to prevent the likes of what happened about three weeks ago. He went to a wedding without me and came home very drunk. I didn't entertain him and brought him up to bed as soon as I could. Straight away he fell off to sleep but about an hour and a half later he suddenly jumped right up on top of me and felt that he knocked the breath out of me. Then throughout sex he kept squeezing the cheeks of my bottom so hard that I really wanted to cry out. But I didn't do that in case it would make him worse. The following day I had desperate pain sitting on the chair and when I went up to examine myself I had awful bruises on them.
Since then I have become very scared once again and all last week I felt the fear up in my head. Some of the nights he drinks now I wait until he falls asleep and I sneak downstairs and stay up for as long as I can to avoid him. What would you do Dr. in a case like this?
Since then I have become very scared once again and all last week I felt the fear up in my head. Some of the nights he drinks now I wait until he falls asleep and I sneak downstairs and stay up for as long as I can to avoid him. What would you do Dr. in a case like this?
Hello.
This is a situation where there is little a counselor can do, as far as your husband's behavior is
concerned. This also brings us to an important tenet in psychotherapy. And the tenet is that one
should not focus on changing the events/situations in order to experience happiness or reduce
disturbances. What this means about your situation is that you do not have complete control over
how your husband will behave. While you can try your best to bring about a change in the situation,
your emotional disturbances should not be seen to be coming from the situation itself. It gives you
the power to make modifications in 'how you take it' and reduce your disturbances.
It's a tough situation you are in. But communication is the key. You may give up on explaining him
how to take care of you. But he still needs to know that his behavior is hurting your in some way or
the other. You, as his wife, deserve to be understood by him at least this much. So while he may not
bring in extra qualities in his way of carrying out the activity, he can try and reduce those which hurt
you.
Staying up late to avoid him will take its toll eventually on your health. And this is not a long term
solution. As long as there is no risk of physical abuse, you can make your point in a straight forward
yet gentle way. But this time, you need to be more assertive than you ever were.
This would be my suggestion in such a case. However, the aim is not to depend on change in the
situation entirely. You also have the added work to do about how you take this situation now. Being
scared of your husband will not help your relationship. You will have to think of ways to make the
relationship stronger on the basis of love and care, and not let it settle down on physical matters and
fear.
I hope you are able to discuss this issue well in your counseling sessions. While there is very little
you can do about how the other person will choose to behave in a given moment, you always have a
choice to think rationally for yourself, and prevent yourself from being disturbed.
I hope this helps for now. Write back to me with more thoughts if you wish, specifically on how you
plan to deal with the situation.
Take care.
Abhijeet Deshmukh, MD
This is a situation where there is little a counselor can do, as far as your husband's behavior is
concerned. This also brings us to an important tenet in psychotherapy. And the tenet is that one
should not focus on changing the events/situations in order to experience happiness or reduce
disturbances. What this means about your situation is that you do not have complete control over
how your husband will behave. While you can try your best to bring about a change in the situation,
your emotional disturbances should not be seen to be coming from the situation itself. It gives you
the power to make modifications in 'how you take it' and reduce your disturbances.
It's a tough situation you are in. But communication is the key. You may give up on explaining him
how to take care of you. But he still needs to know that his behavior is hurting your in some way or
the other. You, as his wife, deserve to be understood by him at least this much. So while he may not
bring in extra qualities in his way of carrying out the activity, he can try and reduce those which hurt
you.
Staying up late to avoid him will take its toll eventually on your health. And this is not a long term
solution. As long as there is no risk of physical abuse, you can make your point in a straight forward
yet gentle way. But this time, you need to be more assertive than you ever were.
This would be my suggestion in such a case. However, the aim is not to depend on change in the
situation entirely. You also have the added work to do about how you take this situation now. Being
scared of your husband will not help your relationship. You will have to think of ways to make the
relationship stronger on the basis of love and care, and not let it settle down on physical matters and
fear.
I hope you are able to discuss this issue well in your counseling sessions. While there is very little
you can do about how the other person will choose to behave in a given moment, you always have a
choice to think rationally for yourself, and prevent yourself from being disturbed.
I hope this helps for now. Write back to me with more thoughts if you wish, specifically on how you
plan to deal with the situation.
Take care.
Abhijeet Deshmukh, MD
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Dear Dr. Abhijeet, Something very similar happened about three months previously but he wasn't as rough and I didn't have any bruises. I did have an appointment with a councellor the following day and he said the same as you - to point it out plain and clear that this behavior wasn't on. And I did and he apologised profusely and said it would never happen again and then this happens. And it was much worse. So I really don't know where I stand at the moment or how I can prevent this.
I know that it is a hugely tricky situation because I don't want to report him and when he is in good form and we get on well, I have feelings of pity towards him and then I tend to let him off lightly. I play down what he has done as if it wasn't that bad after all. I think many women in situations like this do the same thing and people wonder how women stay with these men but there are many things to consider. We do tend to be martyres and just keep our mouths shut and hope that everything will work out in the long run. We have children to consider and as mothers we find it impossible to leave them especially when we are relying on the income of our husbands even though I put in as many hours into our business as he does. But the business is in his name and somehow I feel that I don't own it as much as he does.
I know that anyone can't do anything but it really helps to be able to talk about it and I have a counselling session coming up on Wednesday and I will bring this subject up. However, my husband has mentioned that he doesn't want me going to these sessions and he is getting quite persistant about it lately. But it isn't the only thing he has tried to stop down through the years. He doesn't want me going anywhere so I will have to pretend that I am going to a place he doesn't mind in the future. I know for a fact that these sessions are making me so much stronger despite having awful suicidal thoughts at times because I can see it working plainly when I have good days.
At the moment my biggest fear is his strength. I am really terrified of that because I am quite weak physically myself. I've been thinking of making myself as fit and strong as I can so that I could have enough power to at least push him away if it happens again.
I know that it is a hugely tricky situation because I don't want to report him and when he is in good form and we get on well, I have feelings of pity towards him and then I tend to let him off lightly. I play down what he has done as if it wasn't that bad after all. I think many women in situations like this do the same thing and people wonder how women stay with these men but there are many things to consider. We do tend to be martyres and just keep our mouths shut and hope that everything will work out in the long run. We have children to consider and as mothers we find it impossible to leave them especially when we are relying on the income of our husbands even though I put in as many hours into our business as he does. But the business is in his name and somehow I feel that I don't own it as much as he does.
I know that anyone can't do anything but it really helps to be able to talk about it and I have a counselling session coming up on Wednesday and I will bring this subject up. However, my husband has mentioned that he doesn't want me going to these sessions and he is getting quite persistant about it lately. But it isn't the only thing he has tried to stop down through the years. He doesn't want me going anywhere so I will have to pretend that I am going to a place he doesn't mind in the future. I know for a fact that these sessions are making me so much stronger despite having awful suicidal thoughts at times because I can see it working plainly when I have good days.
At the moment my biggest fear is his strength. I am really terrified of that because I am quite weak physically myself. I've been thinking of making myself as fit and strong as I can so that I could have enough power to at least push him away if it happens again.
Hello.
You are quite right about the limited options you have in this situation. I agree it's not so simple to protest as it appears. But I hope gradually you are able to make progress on that front.
Continuing with the counseling sessions despite him disliking them is important. There will be off days, as I mentioned earlier, where you might tend to revert to thoughts of suicide or at least helplessness. But as long as you are able to hold successful sessions with the counselor, you will be able to deal with those off days effectively.
I wish you good luck with the counseling session on Wednesday. I would also like to add that you should not give up on being assertive regarding the roughness. You may fail once or twice, but if you persist, you have better chances of success. It is not easy, but persisting with a protest is worth a shot.
Take care.
Abhijeet Deshmukh, MD
You are quite right about the limited options you have in this situation. I agree it's not so simple to protest as it appears. But I hope gradually you are able to make progress on that front.
Continuing with the counseling sessions despite him disliking them is important. There will be off days, as I mentioned earlier, where you might tend to revert to thoughts of suicide or at least helplessness. But as long as you are able to hold successful sessions with the counselor, you will be able to deal with those off days effectively.
I wish you good luck with the counseling session on Wednesday. I would also like to add that you should not give up on being assertive regarding the roughness. You may fail once or twice, but if you persist, you have better chances of success. It is not easy, but persisting with a protest is worth a shot.
Take care.
Abhijeet Deshmukh, MD
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Dear Dr. abhijeet, I'd like your opinion on something that is bothering me since my last counselling session on Wednesday. I got an image in my mind that was very disturbing for me but I'm afraid in case it is not the truth. It happened going out the door from the counselling and it shocked me because I know for certain that a part of it was true but then when I saw this other picture I've become very confused. When I went home I did my work but the pictures were there all the time and then I became very tired and went to bed for an hour. When I got up I had a great urge to get away on my own and so I went for a walk. But all throughout the walk I felt very sick and vomited three times on my way. I felt that there was something I had to get rid of out of my body and I felt like choking and my legs were weak. I sat down by a waterfall and rested there for a long time but on my way home I found it quite difficult to walk because my legs were like jelly and I had to keep stopping along the way. Eventually all this went away and it hasn't happened since. I told my own doctor (but didn't tell him what the image was) and he told me to bring it up with my councellor next week. But Dr. Abhijeet, what if this image isn't true? How can you tell? How did it get there in the first place and how can I know that one part of it is the truth?
Hello.
In my opinion, what is more important than knowing if the image is the truth, is to know what it is about the image that you are thinking, which creates the disturbance. In other words, the image, true or not, is just a trigger to a chain of thoughts in your mind. And in all probabilites those thoughts are responsible for the disturbance.
When the pisctures are there all the time, it is in fact the constant thinking going on in the mind.
You may have to think about -
- "if the image is not true, or if it is true, in what way does it affect my current situation, life, happiness? Does it affect at all?"
- "am I thinking rationally or irrationally about the image?"
- "what is it about the image that bothers me? What are my thoughts about the image that lead to disturbance?"
- "can I examine my thoughts and find out if I can modify some of them, so that I can reduce my disturbance?"
I hope these questions will help you sort it out a bit in your mind until you can talk about it in your next session. And I hope you are able to overcome this phase soon.
Take care.
Abhijeet Deshmukh, MD
In my opinion, what is more important than knowing if the image is the truth, is to know what it is about the image that you are thinking, which creates the disturbance. In other words, the image, true or not, is just a trigger to a chain of thoughts in your mind. And in all probabilites those thoughts are responsible for the disturbance.
When the pisctures are there all the time, it is in fact the constant thinking going on in the mind.
You may have to think about -
- "if the image is not true, or if it is true, in what way does it affect my current situation, life, happiness? Does it affect at all?"
- "am I thinking rationally or irrationally about the image?"
- "what is it about the image that bothers me? What are my thoughts about the image that lead to disturbance?"
- "can I examine my thoughts and find out if I can modify some of them, so that I can reduce my disturbance?"
I hope these questions will help you sort it out a bit in your mind until you can talk about it in your next session. And I hope you are able to overcome this phase soon.
Take care.
Abhijeet Deshmukh, MD
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Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
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