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Need some counselling for depression issues

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Addiction Medicine Specialist
Practicing since : 2002
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need some counseling for some depression issues.Because of a relationship issue i am getting too much of tensions and i'm getting into depression.till i'm in office this issue is not affecting me becos of my busy schedule but sometimes this issue is affecting my concentration also.I had a live-in relationship with girl whose background known to me she had broken up with her boyfriend and because of family pressure she wanted to live alone and i accepted and i know her family background also which is not that very high or on acceptable norms.to be XXXXXXX once i had a relationship with her when she came to me as a Pro*.Post that things she told me things are changed now she is not like that and this decision is purely because of breakup with her boyfriend whom i also met in unfortunate instance.Things were smooth and i was supporting her and when i was about to take up this relationship serious i got a shocking news from her she is also married and that was forcefully done by her mother to breakup their love.In fact her marriage news also i came to know through her friend and then she disclosed it to me and said she is not a divorcee.when i took this relationship seriously we had gone up to the level having a kid but then we had to drop it because of prevailing her marriage issues.She drinks and smokes that i know because these things easily attract the peoples to come out from their depression and this also i accepted and didnt stopped her thinking she will stop on her own.Because of these issues my future with this girl was in dark and for a year tried changing her all failed and i had to marry a girl suggested by parents.Unfortunately lack of sex interest from my wife had made me to go back to her and i agree this a mistake.Since i can't leave her alone and no one in her family is taking owns i had to support her without leaving her.Post all this issue i had supported her in competing her basic studies and get some skilled studies to stand on her own and still supporting her.She did complete her studies and but not willing to work.Whenever i ask she makes some story and then it gets dropped.She flirts also but says i'm her husband for lifetime and filrts are only for going to parties or outing.If i ask why you are roaming like this then she will start saying that it is becos of my questionnaires she is doing like that.I stopped asking questions and even if speak normally also one day she will be ok and the nextday she will start behaving as if she doesnt need i'm only in need of her.I state some incidents here about her to give you some understanding about her behavior.she went to some place for 15days out of her hometown not disclosing it to me that with whom she went.if i ask then she says she went with a couples and during that visit i had seen her pics in her mobile with swimming suit and with panties.i asked her who had taken this she is saying that it is taken by her friend still not disclosing who is that.recently she started avoiding my calls when she is out and she calls or speaks to me when she is at home only or if there is a need to speak.earlier she is used to pick my calls wherever she is and all of her friends also know me and about our relation.If someone asks her some question then she will change the whole friends circle and start avoiding them.i'm supporting her for monthly needs and i know how much is that and i also know that her mother is not supporting her and not working also.but she keeps shopping, if i ask then she says it is gifted by friends (never discloses who gifted) and asking me back a question saying why are you always doubting me.Each-time whenever i ask clarification like where you went & with whom.she sill say it as friends but never disclose with whom see is.when sorrunding is known to me or they know who iam she picks the calls else avoids.Still she promises that i'm the only one who had given her a respectful life back and she cant think anyother man in her life.

I'm fully depressed with this kind of behavior and when i fought with her i have been forced to use some filthy languagae also.each time whenever i ask her question she will say if you are not believing me then don't be with me and asking me to leave her alone.lots of lies she says knowingly or unkowingly and it inturn hurts badly.I had spoken to her polietly, fighted and also i tried to hurt myself to make her understand.2 days she will be ok and then she will start back her attitude.

I'm really in very confused state and i cant leave her alone considering her family conditions.If i leave then they might force her back to somethings where she started.I dont want that to happen and even after lot of fights i'm still supporting her.to make her understand i relocated to other city also but still nothing.

Please advise me if i'm doing something wrong in understanding her or she is thinkinng oversmart and keep telling lies and cheating me.

Rgds, XXXXXXX
Posted Wed, 6 Nov 2013 in Depression
 
 
Answered by Dr. Preeti Parakh 1 hour later
Brief Answer:
She is simply using you for her own gains.

Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXXXX

From the events you have described, it appears to me that she is unwilling to be committed to you for a long term relationship but at the same time, is unwilling to separate from you because of the financial and emotional support she gets from you. I guess she has found someone else who also supports her financially little knowing that you are also in the picture. She is unwilling to let go of either of the two sources of income and so she is stringing both of you along. Her comment that you are her husband for life appears to me to be a ploy to make you feel responsible for her and support her.

You may not like this but I also suspect that she is not married to anyone. This story was probably circulated by her friend at her own insistence to avoid getting into a serious relationship with you. Marriage with you and kids would have interfered with her wish to be in multiple relationships at a time to make maximum profit. The other possibility may have been that she liked you but not enough to contemplate marriage with you, and so, circulated this story. Having known her so well, do you really think someone could have forced her to get married against her wish? And if she really was married forcibly, what is stopping her from getting a divorce?

If you are still not sure about her manipulative nature, if possible, try talking to her ex-boy friend. Maybe listening to his experience with her may help you understand her attitude towards you. Supporting and helping friends is good but never to the extent that it leaves you needing support for yourself!

Having said this, I suggest that you should walk out from this relationship and instead concentrate on cementing your marital relationship. Your wife's lack of interest in sex may be due to many reasons. She may have found out about this girl and that might have hurt her. Showing disinterest in sex may be her way of communicating to you that there is something which is wrong that she wants you to address. Great sex never comes automatically after marriage. People have to work on it and build a solid emotional bond which is the foundation of a healthy sexual relationship.

I hope this clears up things for you. Please feel free to ask if you need any clarifications.

Best wishes.

Dr Preeti Parakh
MD Psychiatry
Above answer was peer-reviewed by
 
Follow-up: Need some counselling for depression issues 56 minutes later
Dear Sir,

Thanks for your quick reply.Few questions and clarifications to your questions are given below.

Clarifications to your queries:
Do you really think someone could have forced her to get married against her wish? And if she really was married forcibly, what is stopping her from getting a divorce?

Answer:This is true.I have seen marriage photo's also.She was 21 then when she was married to 42yrs old guy as second wife.And he is from her native and that guy is fraud and disappeared after the marriage because of some his existing extra-marital affair, this i came to know from their relatives and mom and because of this they are not able to get divorce from him.

My queries:

Will she be having illicit relationship with that guy also i.e sex with that person too?
Saying that she is in too much of love with me will she be able to do it?Because I'm not able to think anyone else except her and my wife.not daring to do so also with someone else.

what is driving her to have multiple relationship at the same time?Is it something that is related to psychological or it is because of social pressure.Because monetary wise I'm supporting her as well as sometimes her family also.

Once when i was traveling with this girl in XXXXXXX and when she was not there even the XXXXXXX driver complained that she is not good because he had heard this girl speaking with one another girl discussing about sex satisfaction with guys on the XXXXXXX itself.Driver overheard and warned me about it.When i asked her about it she said it was all my bad past that is not leaving me to live a good life and it was her friend who was discussing it.

Another thing is i had requested her to change her mobile which she used to keep it in past but still she is not changing it.It's been 2 & 1/2 years after our relation started still she is avoiding changing it.

My emotional boding like i said earlier when i took this relationship seriously we have aborted a child and from then i was more & more attached to her.She is not blackmailing or anything but that emotional bonding is stopping me in leaving her.

My wife's lack of interest is from our first night itself and consulted sexologist also for this.but still in vain.My emotional bond is really good with her.

I'm a very emotional guy and get attached with someone who loves me very quickly becos of my loneliness in my life.Please advise if i have to drop her then how should i handle her.Being a man i have cried many times because of this girl and still crying and want to pull stop for this.I want to prove her that is she is lying to me always and dropping her from my life now.

Regards, XXXXXXX

 
 
Answered by Dr. Preeti Parakh 45 minutes later
Brief Answer:
Detailed below.

Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXXXX

Probably you are not aware that in cases of desertion by the spouse, one can still apply for divorce. Had she applied for divorce, she would have got it easily even if the husband could not be contacted. Had she really wanted to marry you, her marriage would not have stood in the way.

It is not possible for me to say if she is having a sexual relationship with the other man or not but I suspect that she is. If she goes on a vacation with another man and is seen dressed in a swimming suit or other revealing clothes by him, I do feel he will take it as a tacit consent for further intimacy and will make an attempt to the take the relationship forward.

Again it is difficult to say what makes her have multiple relationships. May be the money you give is sufficient for basic necessities but not for luxuries and she wants more. She may be insecure that you are married and will leave her, so she wants alternative arrangements ready in case you leave her.

I think she knows that you are dependent on her and will not leave her and she takes advantage of your weakness. I also think that you know in your heart that she has not been faithful to you, but are scared that who will fill the void if you leave her. But you also need to think if you are happy continuing with her in the current scenario. If gangrene sets in, that part of the body has to be amputated to ensure that rest of the body can survive. You need to think if this relationship can ever be salvaged, if not then it is time to say good bye.

It will not be easy to collect proof unless you hire a detective, but there is one thing you can do. Tell her that you have either lost your job or suffered a big financial loss and will not be able to support her financially for some time. Tell her that she may need to help you with money. Give an excuse that she will believe and cannot confirm by calling your office or friends. You may say that your wife is keeping an eye on your finances and wants to know where the money is going. How she reacts to this in the next few days will give you your answer. I have a feeling that you will not have to break up with her but she will do it herself.

If you have access to her social networking site accounts, you may get to know something from them. And as I said earlier, if you know her ex-boy friend, you can get information from him too.

Best wishes.

Dr Preeti Parakh
MD Psychiatry
Above answer was peer-reviewed by
 
Follow-up: Need some counselling for depression issues 28 minutes later
Dear Sir,

Thanks for your quick reply again.

She and her parent are not that literate to understand how to proceed on that.even i was not aware of it.

Yes in my heart I'm not able to think she is faithful to me becos i heard herself saying flirting will not hurt and other things which she had hidden it from me.But she promises that see never had sex with anyone else after we started our relationship.
The only positive thing i can take out from her is she is very determined,if she doesn't want to do it then she will not but at the same time if i speak to some other girls she will be overreacting also i.e she will start speaking to unknown guys also.I don't know why she reacts like that.

Recently i had lost my father and during that time for a month or so i was not able to support her monteraly.she was supportive during that time she said she had taken money from a friend and paid the rent and repaid it by pledging the gold that's what she stated to me.

Her ex-boyfriend doesn't speak to me directly and i'm not locally located to speak to him.

One point i forgot to mention is that she is still staying alone in the house where we stayed together and not vacating it going to her mom after my several attempts to convince her to stay with her mom.even with her mom she fights if she is asking her question.

Her social sites she had blocked anyone accessing her friends list.she has multiple id's and the new id which she is using she has not added me in that.I had asked her multiple times about it but she never made it to be viewed by someone.

I understand and feel this can be still restructured.Today again i spoke to her and explained these behaviors are making me to think suspicious.she is saying she is going out with girls only not with boys.And she says very clearly that she shouldn't be questioned by anyone.If husbands or lovers will question then she doesn't need a life like that and she would be happy to stay alone for lifetime.

I had explained her to think over if she wants to continue then she needs to transparent if not then we will part our ways.

I don't know on what basis she has that strong point of thinking that i will not leave her.I'm not able to understand that please explain.

Regards, XXXXXXX

 
 
Answered by Dr. Preeti Parakh 16 minutes later
Brief Answer:
Detailed below.

Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXXXX

In my opinion, she feels that you have already seen the worst side of her and if you came back to her after that, in spite of having a wife, then probably you will not be able to leave her again. She also probably knows that you are not satisfied with your wife and need her in your life. Perhaps this is why she is not scared of losing you and dictates terms. Another reason may be that she knows that she can find some one else to fulfill her needs in case you leave and therefore, is not worried about losing you.

Regarding that time when you did not give her any money for one month, it is possible that she knew that it was just a temporary phase and so, was supportive to you. Try doing it again, but this time for a longer period and see what happens.

If you really want proof, then you can try hiring a private detective to tail her for a few days. It may be expensive but will certainly be cheaper than paying her expenses indefinitely. Or else, you can ask a friend of yours to approach her for a relationship and see how she reacts but for this you will have to take your friend into confidence.

Hope this helps you.

Best wishes.

Dr Preeti Parakh
MD Psychiatry
Above answer was peer-reviewed by
 
Follow-up: Need some counselling for depression issues 2 hours later
Dear Madam,

Thanks for the reply.few more questions.

If i breakup now then will she be able to manage herself without having any support from parents?This is a big concern for me.

Is there a chance that she will realize this and come back or with the kind of attitude she is in, she will search for someone else in place of me and keep leading the same life and keep switching?

In have struggled for 2 years in 2&/1/2 year relationship.Still i'm not geared up to break up.What is that stopping me in breaking it up?.Could you please explain?If i can understand this then i may be in clear position to decide.

Am i too dependent on her?Why is it so?one reason i feel is am i sexually addicted with her?we have more intimacy.
Am i @ fault of asking questions or in relationship this ok?
I don't ask her each and everything she does but i ask for the details only when she hides?Is this ok?
Am i become mad on her or it is the kind of financial support that i have given her for years is making me to go mad?example i have given her everything rented 70%furnished home,laptop,bike all these i gave her after the kid was aborted.

Even her mother is Pro*. She did that for bringing this girl and her elder sister.Knowing the family background and known to each other i had promised her mother that i will bring up this girl to stand on her own and not like what she was then.
In case of breakup do i need to inform her mom?

Finally what kind of girl is she?Is she recoverable or fully damaged and nothing can be done at this point?

To breakup is it better to hire a detective agency and prove it and breakup? With kind of info i have shared do you think if i give her a second chance then she will be back if that is the case then please advise me how i can recoup her back into normal life.

Regards, XXXXXXX
 
 
Answered by Dr. Preeti Parakh 2 hours later
Brief Answer:
Detailed below.

Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXXXX

Regarding her ability to manage her expenses, I feel that she is a smart girl and can take care of herself. She has also completed her education with your help, as you mentioned earlier, and can take up a job if needed. What I mean to say is that if she wants to lead an honest life, there is no dearth of opportunities. She may not earn enough to live in luxury but she can certainly earn enough to live a decent life. However, if she likes the kind of life she is living currently, where someone else is paying for her expenses and she doesn't have to do any work except keep you happy, then I feel that she will soon find someone else to take your place. I do not expect her to come back to you. I rather expect that she will hold on to her position and act as the aggrieved party by accusing you of doubting her morals and will expect you to return to her, begging forgiveness for having doubted her.

You are not at fault for doubting her. Your suspicions are not based on a single incident. There have been many small incidents which led you to feel that she hides things from you and lies to you. Since in your heart you know that you are being cheated, you are not happy with her. But you also feel responsible for her and care for her. You like being with her and enjoy sex with her. So, obviously you know that you will miss her when you separate. This is creating an ambivalence in your mind. You cannot live with her and you also do not want to live without her. I feel that a part of your mind is ready to believe her excuses because it wishes to avoid the unpleasantness of separation and the resultant loneliness.

You have a right to question her if there is something in your mind that troubles you. Trust is important in a relationship, but it does not mean blindly believing everything that is told to you. Trusting also means sharing. If she trusts you, why does she ask you not to question her? Many men want to know where their women go and with whom, and this is not because they suspect any illicit relationship but because they feel protective towards their women and want to ensure that no harm comes to them. So why should she object to your wanting to know where she is and with whom? She tries to make you feel guilty for suspecting her, but you should take care not to fall into the trap.

I do not feel you have a responsibility to inform her mom about anything but if you wish, you can do it. But I expect that her mother will try to make you feel guilty about leaving her.

You do not need to prove anything to her. In a relationship, any one can walk out whenever they wish. The idea of hiring a detective is simply for your own peace of mind, so that you can be sure that you did the right thing in leaving her.

You want to know what kind of a girl she is. In my opinion, she is a very smart girl, who has taken advantage of your sensitive and caring nature to acquire a comfortable life style. She was a prostitute but what is she now? She is still allowing you to pay for sex, though she must be telling you that she loves you. If she really loved you and wanted to live a clean and respectable life, she would have taken up a job and not allowed you pay all her expenses. You may love her, but do you respect her?
XXXXXXX she is an adult and capable of taking her own decisions. If she wishes to be a prostitute, then it is her choice. You cannot force her to live a respectable life. You gave her an opportunity by giving her education. But she will choose her own path. So stop worrying about what will happen to her when you part ways. Think about yourself and do what is good for yourself. You have a duty towards yourself too.

Best wishes.

Dr Preeti Parakh
MD Psychiatry

Above answer was peer-reviewed by
 
Follow-up: Need some counselling for depression issues 2 hours later
Dear Madam,

Yes what you said is true.she is asking money in different means for expenses and but still it is something like I'm paying for her having sex with her but it take it as my commitment towards her.I had told her several times to get into a job for having a respectful life but she never does that.

Like rightly said in the evening when i spoke to her and asked her about the trip, then she acted in aggrieved way by saying that if i disturb her and ask question again she will commit suicide leaving a note behind that I'm responsible for that.Is this what you mean that she will hold on to her position and it is confirmed this is because that she had lied and she does want change from that?

If the above is the expected agitated behavior because of lies then i have decided to part our ways.

If we do some counseling to her will she understand and try to correct herself and at least be true to other guy?

Regards, XXXXXXX
 
 
Answered by Dr. Preeti Parakh 17 minutes later
Brief Answer:
Counselling will not help her.

Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXXXX

I feel she threatened to commit suicide on being asked about the trip because she knew that this will stop you from asking further questions. If she had nothing to hide, then perhaps she would not have needed to make this threat.
XXXXXXX please stop trying to make her change her way of life. Counselling cannot force her to change. Let her live her own life the way she wants to. She is an adult and knows what is good or bad for her. She will be faithful when she wants to and with whom she wants to. You must understand one thing. She was not forced to do what she did with you. Nothing forced her to cheat you and nothing can force her to be faithful to the next guy.

You need not worry about her. You have done more than enough for her.

Best wishes.

Dr Preeti Parakh
MD Psychiatry
Above answer was peer-reviewed by
 
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