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Is It Alright To Continue Long Distance Relationship With A Untrustworthy Partner?
Question: Hi,
I have a boyfriend, i love him very much. he cheated on me in the past, which i accepted. After a year of online long-distance relationships, where he had anther girlfrined in real life, we finally met and I had my first sex with him, I can't say it was completely by mutual agreement, but it was going there anyway, because I was completely crazy for the guy and lost my mind. I always wanted to have my first sex with my husband, but I gave up on that idea, rationalized my behavior, justified his, and moved on from that, even though it was not the perfect first time experience, it was more like he just inserted it twice by force and it was done. He never believed that I was a virgin, when he saw blood he was surprised, and then he said that I went and did hymenoplasty before coming to Thailand to spend couple of months with him, it was 3rd time that we met in real life. It has been a year since then, we broke up very ugly after i went back to XXXXXXX where i live and he went back to his country, he found out that i lied about something, which was not a big deal, but for him it was a great deal. He cursed me in front of his friends and then he went o have sex with some girl and openly told me about it and was threatening to send me photos. That was a break up. he went back to the girl that he cheated on me with, then after 6 months he started texting me again, so i forgave him, because I love him, i thought he would change, with time i understood that people don't change because he was continuing to talk to that other girl, so i only wanted to hurt him from that point, i wanted to give him beautiful gift on his birthday and disappear, because i was pretty sure he loves me, and i wanted him to see me for the last time and then disappear, of course it was a stupid plan, because i really do love the guy, so I couldn't disappear, i felt like he needs me, like i can bring happiness to his life, i felt happy with him again and he apologized for everything, i was touched. So of course we were intimate again. He was very gentle this time and i felt loved and just simply happy. When i left to XXXXXXX again, and we separated, disaster started, i'm constantly jealous of him, he changed his passwords and not giving them back to me, we always fight over girls who comment on his photos in social media, and last thing was that he told me that he still doesn't believe that he was the first guy who i had sex with and he is sure that i'm making fool of him, he feels betrayd. He says just tell him the truth and nothing will change. thuth is that he doesn't understand that it hurts me a lo to hear that, because it really was the first time and it was horrible first time, i never imagined it to be something like that, i really feel like just giving up the relationship, but it is so hurtful to let go, because it was beautiful at times, even though i understand that most of it might be lie. I just wanted some professional advice, because I don't want to expose him in this light in front of anybody, and myself too. It is very strange relationship and it is playing major role in my life, like a rock on my neck, taking me down, i know that the best thing to do is to let go forever, but It is very difficult, first i love him, i know he is a good guy and its my mistake that i let him treat me like that, i know that relationship can change if i change myself, but i don't know which direction to go. Secondly i find breaking up with him counter productive, because emotionally i experience a lot of stress at this times and can't carry on with my job or education, and i can't waste no more time on pitying myself, it also hurts my self-image, I'm becoming needy, emotionally dependent on him, pitiful woman, which i don't like, I like to see myself an an independent, professional woman, who is capable of anything and little fights just throw me into emotionally unstable state, so could you recommend me any strategy of actions i should take in this kind of situation. I already told him that i'm willing to go to plastic surgeon so they can assure him that i didn't have any hymenoplasty in the past, but it very hurts me that he thinks of me this way and tells me that he loves me, because it is a horrible thing that woman can do and the kind of woman he shouldn't love, I can't explain it, but that is just wrong, that he says he loves someone with those set of values, because that is not me.
I have a boyfriend, i love him very much. he cheated on me in the past, which i accepted. After a year of online long-distance relationships, where he had anther girlfrined in real life, we finally met and I had my first sex with him, I can't say it was completely by mutual agreement, but it was going there anyway, because I was completely crazy for the guy and lost my mind. I always wanted to have my first sex with my husband, but I gave up on that idea, rationalized my behavior, justified his, and moved on from that, even though it was not the perfect first time experience, it was more like he just inserted it twice by force and it was done. He never believed that I was a virgin, when he saw blood he was surprised, and then he said that I went and did hymenoplasty before coming to Thailand to spend couple of months with him, it was 3rd time that we met in real life. It has been a year since then, we broke up very ugly after i went back to XXXXXXX where i live and he went back to his country, he found out that i lied about something, which was not a big deal, but for him it was a great deal. He cursed me in front of his friends and then he went o have sex with some girl and openly told me about it and was threatening to send me photos. That was a break up. he went back to the girl that he cheated on me with, then after 6 months he started texting me again, so i forgave him, because I love him, i thought he would change, with time i understood that people don't change because he was continuing to talk to that other girl, so i only wanted to hurt him from that point, i wanted to give him beautiful gift on his birthday and disappear, because i was pretty sure he loves me, and i wanted him to see me for the last time and then disappear, of course it was a stupid plan, because i really do love the guy, so I couldn't disappear, i felt like he needs me, like i can bring happiness to his life, i felt happy with him again and he apologized for everything, i was touched. So of course we were intimate again. He was very gentle this time and i felt loved and just simply happy. When i left to XXXXXXX again, and we separated, disaster started, i'm constantly jealous of him, he changed his passwords and not giving them back to me, we always fight over girls who comment on his photos in social media, and last thing was that he told me that he still doesn't believe that he was the first guy who i had sex with and he is sure that i'm making fool of him, he feels betrayd. He says just tell him the truth and nothing will change. thuth is that he doesn't understand that it hurts me a lo to hear that, because it really was the first time and it was horrible first time, i never imagined it to be something like that, i really feel like just giving up the relationship, but it is so hurtful to let go, because it was beautiful at times, even though i understand that most of it might be lie. I just wanted some professional advice, because I don't want to expose him in this light in front of anybody, and myself too. It is very strange relationship and it is playing major role in my life, like a rock on my neck, taking me down, i know that the best thing to do is to let go forever, but It is very difficult, first i love him, i know he is a good guy and its my mistake that i let him treat me like that, i know that relationship can change if i change myself, but i don't know which direction to go. Secondly i find breaking up with him counter productive, because emotionally i experience a lot of stress at this times and can't carry on with my job or education, and i can't waste no more time on pitying myself, it also hurts my self-image, I'm becoming needy, emotionally dependent on him, pitiful woman, which i don't like, I like to see myself an an independent, professional woman, who is capable of anything and little fights just throw me into emotionally unstable state, so could you recommend me any strategy of actions i should take in this kind of situation. I already told him that i'm willing to go to plastic surgeon so they can assure him that i didn't have any hymenoplasty in the past, but it very hurts me that he thinks of me this way and tells me that he loves me, because it is a horrible thing that woman can do and the kind of woman he shouldn't love, I can't explain it, but that is just wrong, that he says he loves someone with those set of values, because that is not me.
Brief Answer:
Best if you can let go of him
Detailed Answer:
Hi, thank you for using Healthcare Magic. I am so sorry for your situation and know how difficult it is to give up someone you feel you love so much. But for your own health and well-being, this is what you need to do. It's especially hard when it is the first person you had sex with, and in fact some of your feelings may be more because of that than real love for him.
He has treated you poorly and continues to do so. He will continue to see other girls and have sex with them. The fact that this is a long distance relationship also adds to the problem, and will make it nearly impossible to continue a healthy relationship, especially if there is no trust between you.
He has expectations of you that are unfair: it is okay for him to have sex with other women, but he is angry with you because he assumes you weren't a virgin for him, even though it should have been obvious. That he accuses you of having a hymenoplasty and lying to him about it is actually a bit scary. Men who are that possessive often are also emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. Your first experience suggests that physical abuse is a possibility. Certainly emotional abuse is present.
He doesn't need you. He is just using you. He is not a "good guy." Good men do not treat you the way he does. It is common for men like this to be emotionally abusive, then suddenly become very caring and loving and apologetic. That gets you to come back to them, and then the abuse starts again. This is a typical pattern.
Yes, it will be stressful to break up with him, but if you continue this relationship, the stress will be much greater in the future. He will never trust you, no matter what you say or do. You will be accused of infidelity and all sorts of other things. This is how men like this behave.
You deserve someone much better than this. Don't return to his country. Don't answer his texts or calls. The emotional dependence you feel has been created by his behavior towards you and is not real. He does not love you.
It might be helpful to get counseling to get you through this. You could look into organizations that work with emotionally and physically abused women. They know the patterns of these type of relationships and how to help you get over them. Remember you deserve a healthy happy relationship with mutual trust and caring.
Good luck. Hope this answers your query. Let me know if you have further concerns.
Best if you can let go of him
Detailed Answer:
Hi, thank you for using Healthcare Magic. I am so sorry for your situation and know how difficult it is to give up someone you feel you love so much. But for your own health and well-being, this is what you need to do. It's especially hard when it is the first person you had sex with, and in fact some of your feelings may be more because of that than real love for him.
He has treated you poorly and continues to do so. He will continue to see other girls and have sex with them. The fact that this is a long distance relationship also adds to the problem, and will make it nearly impossible to continue a healthy relationship, especially if there is no trust between you.
He has expectations of you that are unfair: it is okay for him to have sex with other women, but he is angry with you because he assumes you weren't a virgin for him, even though it should have been obvious. That he accuses you of having a hymenoplasty and lying to him about it is actually a bit scary. Men who are that possessive often are also emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. Your first experience suggests that physical abuse is a possibility. Certainly emotional abuse is present.
He doesn't need you. He is just using you. He is not a "good guy." Good men do not treat you the way he does. It is common for men like this to be emotionally abusive, then suddenly become very caring and loving and apologetic. That gets you to come back to them, and then the abuse starts again. This is a typical pattern.
Yes, it will be stressful to break up with him, but if you continue this relationship, the stress will be much greater in the future. He will never trust you, no matter what you say or do. You will be accused of infidelity and all sorts of other things. This is how men like this behave.
You deserve someone much better than this. Don't return to his country. Don't answer his texts or calls. The emotional dependence you feel has been created by his behavior towards you and is not real. He does not love you.
It might be helpful to get counseling to get you through this. You could look into organizations that work with emotionally and physically abused women. They know the patterns of these type of relationships and how to help you get over them. Remember you deserve a healthy happy relationship with mutual trust and caring.
Good luck. Hope this answers your query. Let me know if you have further concerns.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Raju A.T
Answered by
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