Question: This is for Dr Bishnoi only..I am doing better but I feel so bewildered about why XXXXXXX doesn't love me anymore..I never have been able to make any sense out of why he left so abruptly and has never come back...he could have dismissed the injunction if he had wanted to but he doesn't love me anymore and I cannot understand why..he told me he loved me and then left and told me to stay away...how could a man who loved a woman do that even if he is psychotic? Do you think he even remembers me at all? My doctor said that the heart problem began in the spiritual and emotional heart broken arena and then went to the heart itself...not knowing or hearing from him in almost two years is so very very hard....how can I ever know if he still loves me or can't I? Will I ever know? She said maybe God has someone for me in Israel who looks like him but I don't want anyone else...

When you say whether he loves me or not cannot be predicted do you mean that it is not possible to know if he loves me or that he just could suddenly stop loving me?I have to wait so very long to get the ticket money to go to Israel and meanwhile it is so hard waiting and wondering if underneath all the craziness XXXXXXX still loves me or not. I spend so much time alone. And when I am not alone the sadness sometimes gets so bad I just want to be alone. Yesterday a man from a Christian ministry and two ladies told me that I needed to believe God and hold onto the vision He gave me about XXXXXXX even when it did not make any sense, to die to it in a sense. Another lady told me that the enemy or HaSatan would not have told me that his heart was like King David's that is that XXXXXXX loved God the way King XXXXXXX did...so I prayed about that and about my lost passports and and within two hours the passports I had lost a month ago somehow dumped out of a suitcase or a drawer as I found them lying on the floor and the doctor from XXXXXXX faxed up the necessary paperwork to help me get the ticket money refunded...I wish it was the same with XXXXXXX .I wish I could know if my dream and Sam's dream and my daughter's and my feelings that he was in love with me and told my son and me that were still valid..I am not wasting my time actually..I don't really have anything to do....not now..but I did have a breakthrough yesterday and am not in such torment...I have more peace....
Oh and I have a sense that if I just leave for Israel at some point XXXXXXX may become lucid enough to want to know what happened to me and where I have gone..not a feeling exactly but a sense like a sixth sense or spiritual knowing of some kind you know? It will be sad for him then because there will be 10,000 miles that will be separating us..but maybe if i leave he will do what is necessary to get well or try to find me but only he can make that decision...

I don't have a church not anymore. But again thank you for clarifying all of this for me again. It is so hard to not know anymore if he loves me. The only hint I had was that he didn't seem to mind my email. He didn't respond to it either but he didn't call the police on me either. I guess as you say Ijust have to accept that he is afraid and confused and I cannot know anything more than that...it is very very hard as no one else will talk tome at all about any of this and just want me to stop talking and thinking about it at all which is pretty impossible for me..here was a man who barreled into my life, stole my love and heart and then just disappeared almost without a trace...I am doing better but the love and sadness just do not seem to go away although I am not tormented day and night about it. My daughter refuses to talk about him nor does my son exept at some times so I am left alone with all of these thoughts and feelings....always sad and never happy. not tormented but not happy and feeling so empty inside...thanks

But it makes it worse for me if no one will talk to me about XXXXXXX and no one understands this. I feel like I cannot trust what happened between us and that I am not being validated. NO ONE wants to talk to me about him so I am left confused and even more sad.today though I am not tormented my life is so very empty...nothing helps to make me feel better because I had someone in my life who really seemed to love me in a way I have never been loved and now it is all gone....oh yeah I can not talk about XXXXXXX but it doesn't mean that the sadness is gone..in fact I feel like killing myself again due to the unremitting emptiness and loneliness but i just put on a happy face and pretend everything is a okay when it isn't...not having any support except to tell me not to talk anymore about him has driven all the feelings even deeper down and because I cannot even talk about him any more or know what is going on with him...I am becoming more and more empty and withdrawing from people including my daughter and son.. XXXXXXX is not around much anymore to talk to and it does not good anyway as XXXXXXX cannot be contacted on my behalf by anyone anymore...why doesn't anyone understand that not talking about him or allowing me to talk about him is making things a lot worse for me again I am becoming very very apathetic which they cannot stand either so I am feeling even more alone...so alone that I just want to die...i am supposed to take my heart medicine and I am saying to myself what for? there is nothing to live for anymore, I spend long lonely days without seeing my son or my daughter and all the XXXXXXX of living is gone now...why do i even wake up? I can start taking pills again and just die and this time no one will know...the apathy is even worse than the sadness...why am I even here? My son doesn't need me or have time for me, my daugther has her own life and XXXXXXX is gone probably forever.. I don't want to live like this...it is such a drudgery and lifeless life...I hate it so much existing like this, day after lonely day on and on without end..what for? No love in my life with XXXXXXX or seeing anyone except XXXXXXX who is very hard to get along with and she is the only one I see anymore...no one cares anymore its as though i am supposed to just forget XXXXXXX and move on.Move on to what? Israel? That might be months away yet and i cannot continue living with this apathetic sadness...I have no knowledge of what is happening XXXXXXX and he brightened my dead drudgery of a life I had before...the only thing different is that now not only do I not have him but I don't have my son either so what is the point of it all? In my view there is no point and I don't want to live like this way with this loneliness and apathy anymore..putting me in the hospital does no good as i come out the same way I went in lonely, apathetic and sad....so why am I here...not for any reason that I can think of..I don't want to live like this for even one more day...I hate it i hate it all....
I am so lonely Dr B. I wake up to more emptiness and no one to talk to not about XXXXXXX or anything...I cannot get around on my own without a car and I am losing interest in everything not that I ever had much interest in anything anyway..i wish I could take all the pills I have and just sleep through the rest of my life..I may do that tomorrow as no one will be seeing me anyway so no one will ever know..if i just sleep forever or accidentally overdose no one will ever know..not even going to Israel is more than a fleeting interest..because there is no purpose in my life.none at all..not even being Sam's mom matters anymore. XXXXXXX was more than my lover he was my best friend and seemed to be for awhile at least my best companion.I don't want to wait any more for him or anyone else because the emptiness is too hard to bear...long lonely empty days watching movies on the computer with no one with me? What for? This is not living not to me....so I am considering once again to end it all..I have five bottles of pills now and may just start taking all of them..you will be the only one who knows...on day they will come here and find me dead on the bed..who cares? I don't...I am afraid to kill myself but am thinking it is a much better choice than living this way any longer. I almost killed myself the last time but XXXXXXX was there and called the paramedics. a whole bottle of tylenol should finish me off quickly...I don't remember anything except waking up with a tube down my throat having a hard time breathing..no thanks...I will do it right this time and no one will be here to find me..I don't want to live this lonely life anymore...

I do understand but I just don't care...if i do it tonight no one will find me until tomorrow morning but I will be dead by then..I simply do not care about anything or anyone anymore. Not enough to stop this suffering I talked to XXXXXXX a little bit about XXXXXXX last night but not much at all to anybody else they don't let me so I just pretty much don't give a shit about anything..lone lonely empty days...if I am dead they will be away from me anyway so who cares? i can't do it until XXXXXXX leaves tonight and won't tell anyone except that I might leave something on my computer for them to find once i am dead...and leave a long letter to send to XXXXXXX as i am slipping away...I will send it to his store address and he can find it there days after I am gone..so no one will know until it is all over....I am working up the courage to do it and do it tonight....I only wish I could find my prosazyn to add that to the list tylenol is the most effective way thought. A whole bottle of that will do the trick better than the other pills so I have to find a way to get a bottle of tylenol so no one knows about it...even half a bottle with all the other pills is good..

If I am dead then my suffering will end. I cannot just live long lonely days without the people I love. It is just not possible. I always knew even before XXXXXXX that if XXXXXXX ever left I would be left with no choice but to kill myself...I cannot handle living day after day with no love in my life and no one to see me not anymore..I just finished writing two suicide notes one to XXXXXXX and the other to XXXXXXX .not that writing him does any good..the problem with writing to XXXXXXX is that he could call the cops and I don't want any cops or paramedics or any of that shit anymore...I may just tell XXXXXXX to send it to him at his store.His store emails he sometimes answers but it might be days before he finds it...so by then I would be dead. I won't send the one to XXXXXXX he will find it maybe if he looks for it after I am dead and he gets ahold of my computer...I have this planned Dr B either tonight or tomorrow night. The only thing that will stop it is if I hear from XXXXXXX before then.

I can't get hold of XXXXXXX and he never wants to talk to me for very long and especially not about XXXXXXX .if god was really in my life he never would have allowed this to happen but it is clear that even he has abandoned me....no one really cares enough about me anymore...not even God....I hope that by tongith or tomorrow night i will be dead...at the very least I will drug myself up and no one will even know about it..I will have to do it tomorrow night I suppose as the clinic has a car picking me up tomorrow night.....nothing matters anymore except that no one finds me until I am dead...