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How can I improve my sexual performance?

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Answered by

Practicing since : 2000
Answered : 47 Questions
hello there,
I have subscribe to your website coz I really can't seek help in real life!

as u can see in my questions to one of your doctor I was explaining my situation briefly ...and  I think that I  need to speak to specialist in order for him to get my point.
I have suffered all my life trying to improve my sex performance but I finally gave up after 30 years of suffering and denying the fact that am gay!! i don't want to b a XXXXXXX but God created me with a small penis lol , it sounds funny but it hurts me Alot specially when my girl mate makes a  comment about it... to who should I speak with? i feel am useless without a girl friend or a wife... all people around me asking, why don't you get married, then I replied , " oh, because am moody guy" ,, another excuse i had to make up  to hide the truth about my sex disfunction performance. "oh marriage is like a jail" and so on of these stupid reasons...

I feel loonley although that I have a lot of friends , but most of them friends for benefits..

I lost my mother when I was two years old ! I can't even remember seeing my mom except on the pictures. Then I lost my dad when I was 15 years and after Three years after my dad's death , one of my favorite brothers he was 28 years got a tumor in his brain due to depression, the doctor report said. then he died lifting two daughters that I can't see them..
anyway I have one sister who doesnt wanna see me at all, coz I guess I disappointed her by not finishing my degree after10 years of living in California ... ! plus she used to help me financially sometimes actually a lot of times.. and I have oldest brother Whois ignoring me and being careless as he gets busy with his kids and his girlfriend I guess ! another brother went to jail for life due to drug dealing. tell me after having all these big jumps in my life...

my problem is really much complicated than this. is my penis size "!
since I born I notice my penis size is smaller than others. even sexually I don't last maybe 5 mints the most.. but I didn't want to believe the idea that am XXXXXXX so I started to fight it.. I had couple fauilers in sex with my X girl friends, coz of my timing problem.. So when I get 26 years I decided to exercise in the gym I thought that might help the blood pressure to flood in my penis which will make it stand up harder I I right?
then I started to have muscles all over my body by taking the strongest supplements at GNC which are legalized by the federal health american association.
anyway... I ended up with a puffed guy from the top with a small penis in the bottom haha.. isn't that funny?
I went crazy, nothing wants to change... I dont want to b XXXXXXX at the same time...
so I was like "I have nothing to lose, why wouldnt I take some steroids to get more muscles" ..and u know Dr. the ggym environment has the influence on me to take these hormone, because when I see big and puffed guys i wanted to look like them and in order for me to do that I had to take these hormones
but guess what.? my penis size is even smaller than before and I can't even last for 1 mint !!! so I went into depression due to another failure in sex plus some family issues which makes me so depressed in a way that makes me quit the gym and stay between work and home that's it!!!

I Need to get answers for some questions are in my mind like :
how I can live in peace with myself?
how u expect me to get my degree in college or bachelor and I have all these major negative effects that cause stress and depression and sleepless.. if any guy is at my position, I swear he would get even worst crazy.
 if my mom is still a life, I swear I wouldn't need your help.. coz she will b answering All the questions in my head about discovering myself.
I know am writing this email and it might not reach the right person, but am just giving it a shot, because simply I have nothing else to lose :)
Posted Thu, 19 Apr 2012 in Men Sexual Problems
Answered by Dr. Abhijeet Deshmukh, 24 hours later

There are three aspects to your situation here. After reading your description and the questions, It appears to me that you need to sort out some important issues in your mind.

You have mentioned that you don't want to be XXXXXXX It appears from your description that your understanding of the term 'gay' is probably not entirely correct. If you are not able to perform sexual activity well enough as per your expectations, it doesn't mean you are XXXXXXX A man can be called XXXXXXX if his sexual orientation is such that he gets attracted towards other men. You need to examine this aspect more closely. If you do not feel attracted sexually towards men, you are not XXXXXXX

You also seem to have attached a lot of negative emotions to the sexual act itself. Since you have not given any details about how long your penis is, I can't comment much on whether your penis should be considered significantly small or not. But research has shown that even an erect penis or about 2.5 to 3 inches can be sufficient to carry out a successful sexual intercourse in which the female partner can be satisfied.

The issue that seems to be most important in your sexual life is the duration. You seem to ejaculate too early, before you or your partner are satisfied. This condition can be called Premature Ejaculation, and there are quite a few ways you can treat it. Here are a few of techniques you can use.

1. Foreplay - This is probably the most important of all the tips. Use your imagination and spend time in foreplay. This helps to get the partner aroused enough to enjoy a sexual intercourse.

2. Squeeze Technique - Just at the point where you feel you will reach orgasm, you have to squeeze the penis just below the glans (head) with your thumb and the forefinger. The pressure should be firm enough. This technique temporarily relieves the sexual tension and the ejaculation is avoided.

3. Stop and Start Technique - You can try this during masturbation as well as sexual intercourse. Just at the point where you feel that you will reach orgasm, you have to stop for a few seconds, even up to a minute, let the wave of sensations pass off, and then start again. This technique has to be practiced each and every time you perform sex or masturbate. This can help you increase your time.

4. Controlled Breathing - Make sure that your breathing is XXXXXXX and regular (from the abdomen), during the sexual activity. This can help you maintain erection for a longer time and also allow you to increase your time gradually.

These are important techniques. And these need to be done regularly. Your should focus on the female partner's sexual satisfaction and take efforts towards it. The more you focus on the partner, the less anxiety you will feel about your own performance.

This brings us to an important aspect of your situation. You have mentioned that these problems make you feel depressed. There might be more associated feelings with depression, such as low self-esteem, lowered confidence, etc. I would like to mention here that these feelings of depression are not coming due to the problem directly. The feelings are being produced from your perception of the problem. At present, you seem to draw self-defeating inferences from your sexual life, opinions of other people about you, etc. The perceptions, inferences actually create the feelings. And you can certainly work towards changing your faulty and self-defeating inferences about events in life. If you can do that, you can live in peace with yourself.

I can understand that you are going through a touch time, and it's difficult to manage the studies along with all these problems. You may need to decide what is more important for you at this stage, to somehow complete the degree or to learn to deal with the problems successfully. But you can do both together as well.

You might also have to take steps towards reducing the addictions. If you can find a therapist in you region, you can consider therapy.

I hope this helps you a bit. Please let me know if you need more help.

Take care.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by
Follow-up: How can I improve my sexual performance? 1 hour later
thanks for your respond.. that makes me feel a little better..
well the answer tp your question about me being confused weather am faybor not... yeah am XXXXXXX and I have had oral sex with gays before I get to the age 20 also I was having sexv with u can call me on that stage I was biosexual but my mind does want tp accept that fact and I always blame myself after I had sleep with a XXXXXXX or do something sexually with him.,, .. it's like I have two different personalities u feel me???? if I have the choice to please a girl and have a normal sex I wouldnt even think of having. sex with gays.
and as a reminder, the steroids that i was taking my intention was to get muscles not to be a XXXXXXX .. ANd I have decided to take these steroids coz I lost hope on my penis size, but then as i mentioned it get worst, and I can't even last for a minute.. I follow all your teqniques. I guess I have no other way but to surrender to my case??? it's so hard

and remember my family deaths .. my mom then my dad then my brother... that puts me into depression which makes my sex ability not normal like addition to that the size is really small.. last time I tried sex I couldn't even enter it in a pussy or in another way it is so hard to have a sex with a girl.. which makes my life is useless specially to man who doesn't have the wealth or mother or father or a sister ... I do have my cousins but you know your first family is different than your second family. yo feel me????

I remember my Mexican girlfriend in California I spent with her two years and a half that was back in 2001.. I reallybloved this girl and she was so smart, now she is a teacher in one of the biggest university in Mexico.. , I was 21 years .. and I really was not discovering myself well. although I realize that my penis size is small but the performance was better than now, for example I was able to stick it in and last for 5 or more using teqniques like stop and start and controlling breathing, but this teqniquie also does bother my girl partner, it makes her not horney Anymore u feel me??? girls usually like to come more tha guys.

I remember after two years of my relatonship with her, one time after having a sex with her, i was laying on my belly, the she jumped on my back and starting acting like she is fucking my ass... then she touched my penis and she realized that it's getting bigger.. so she was like " oh XXXXXXX you are a XXXXXXX " then she goes like am sorry I was kidding,

and after that she saw my penis and she goes like", oh my god your penis is so small ahmed" ... you know what I have responded??? nothing!!!!! I shut up my mouth!!!! I couldnt say any word. I felt that being dead is more mercy than hearing these words from a girl thatbi spent two years with her,

I don't know what else to say dr. .. what else you need to know about me to help me out??
I have therapy near me, but I dont want tp go there u know why? I have so many reasons..
1- they will take my blood test and it will appear that I am taking drugs.. and the system in my country is so fucked up.. they will report this blood testbto the police and I will be under the eye of the under covers then I ,i might get busted if I continue smoke hash... and to b honest, smoking hash to me is much healthier than smoking tobacco.

2- it is harder for me to explain my situation about my penis size and all my sex male relationship to frvface to face,, I feel a shame of myself ... here my country is so small .. everyone knows each other u feel me??? so I don't WANna live in fear..

the. more I live the more I miss my mom, if she is a live my life might b easier I guess,,

I hope god forgive me for all the bad sins that I did, like having sex with guys...
and that's the most that bothers me.. I cantbhave sex with females, and according to my religion Islam, these kind of people should have more patience in their life and better for them to fast.
I care about my after life more than life to b honest, thats why i feel bad when I commit the bigget sin that makes God not satisfied about me,.. I know he is the merciful and he can forgive me as long as I promise myself to not do it again....but every time I promise myself I go back and do sex with gays because I have no other choice ,but to mastebate for life. and I guess that's what am going to do to please myself without bothering any partner or causing embaresmment for the girl who will b stock my problem,,, I don't like people to feel sorry for me...

i try to get busy with my work.. I work as a dealer in the US market..and imlike my job and that's thenonly thing that makes my life useful.

i am very addicted in shopping online too.. though Incan get treatment also online!
Answered by Dr. Abhijeet Deshmukh, 14 hours later

I can understand that you are facing a tough situation in your life for a long time now. And the solutions do not seem to be in sight for you right now. But let us see if something can be done.

You must remove the guilt from your mind about what happened in the past or what's happening even today. The guilt and the shame can bring on a lot of unhealthy negative emotions in your mind, making you more and more disturbed. And the more disturbed you are, the more difficult it is to deal with any problem.

You have had sexual intercourse with gays. But to consider it as some unpardonable sin is probably not appropriate. And it won’t help you be at ease with yourself. It is not fundamentally wrong to be attracted to the people of same sex. And as you mentioned, if you get a chance to have sex with a woman, you will prefer that. You have to accept that you have these preferences in your sexual life and that you are not the only person who has similar preferences. You will have to learn to accept yourself as you are, and not blame yourself for that. This is how you can overcome the guilt feelings you are carrying with you for so long.

As far as satisfying the female partner in sexual intercourse is concerned, there are ways you can help your partner achieve climax. Penetration is not the only way. And females can enjoy sexual activity even with external stimulation and orgasm. I am sure you must have tried that earlier, but you might have to keep on doing that. The factor that is probably affecting your sexual performance is the pressure or performing and "performance anxiety". Your mind probably says "if I don't perform well, it means I am not a man capable of having sex with women". This is an inference being drawn in the mind. And this inference is obviously wrong.

Associated to this, you seem to have labelled yourself as a bad person due to having sex with gays. Please do not label yourself. Any particular act, if considered bad, does not necessarily mean the person is bad. The more you think you are bad, the more difficult your situation will be. Accept yourself and accept that such a situation is there in your life. And then start afresh. I suggest you consider therapy. I am not aware of the laws in your region, but I suppose you can always deny blood tests, if you are seeking psychotherapy for some issues. You can look for Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) or Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) from a trained therapist.

Smoking cannabis does contribute to anxiety and other psychological problem. You might want to reduce the amount and consider stopping it altogether, if there are other modes of pain relief available.

I hope you are able to find answers to your questions soon. Please revert to me in future if you need more help.

Take care.

Above answer was peer-reviewed by
Follow-up: How can I improve my sexual performance? 3 hours later
you have mentioned something very important..
that I have to get used to accept myself and my situation,

and the fact that am not the only person who has similar preferences.. yeAh you got a point here. I guess there are millions and trillions before me who has similar to this , even in the age of Prophet XXXXXXX and all other Prophets before him they have people like that....

each religion has it's own behavior towards gays.. for example my religion Islam does not blame the person to be a XXXXXXX if he born like that and there is no sin on him.... but if the guy born with a normal pecker and then he convert himself to female yeH here is considered as the biggest sin ever....
all sins are forgiving in Islam as long as u promise u don't do it again,.,

hmmmm.... I guess i have to get used to Accept myself the way I Am and not blaming myself for any action or reaction that happens in the past or now or the future..... but u know we say stuff like that and it sounds easy, but to do it is kinda hard ,, specially when u set alone most of your time And u only hear tv or music or work timing is a big factor why I spend most of my day time alone .. I work in the USstock market as a dealer and it starts according to my country time at 4:00 pm to 11:00!pm
and u know all the friends I know their working hours is exactly the opposite as me coz they go from th morning to the afternoon..
to b honest I like my work and the reason why I like it coz it keeps me away from the bad traffic in the morning and the bad hot weather also..
anther reason why I like it coz it keeps me away from people...
Sometimes I feel being away from people is a very peaceful thing to do..but sometimes I feel like I need close people around me...I need to know ur opinion about this confusing emotions towards being socializing

I know everything is hard at the begging , but after practice it will become easier,
and that's how human being are created. it is a primitiveness human being..

Answered by Dr. Abhijeet Deshmukh, 2 hours later

Thank you for writing back with more thoughts. There are two aspects I would like to mention here.

1. Self-acceptance that I am referring to is something that can be learned with practice. 'Unconditional acceptance of self' is what is needed. When you can accept yourself "in spite of" your apparent shortcomings, you can be really at peace with yourself. And once you reach that level, you can devote yourself to continuous self-improvement. Unconditional self-acceptance can act as a platform on which one can build a new thought process.

'Accepting yourself as you are' also includes "acknowledging" that your are in such a situation in your life at this moment. It does not mean 'giving up the hope' that things will change.

2. The confusion about socializing is there probably because you are looking at it from an "all or none" angle. (Being close to people or being away from them). But in fact, there are times you can feel you need to get away from the society (or from certain set of people). These can be called your personal 'breaks' from the routine. Such breaks can be quite useful and refreshing. Thus, you need to look at these feelings as complementary to each other, and not confusing.

All that we discussed over these exchanges might appear simple, but it is certainly not easy. But if your goal is structured, motivation is strong, you can and you will make good progress in this situation.

Take care.

Above answer was peer-reviewed by
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