Question: Hello, I'm facing a severe problem since many years. I am a male, in my early 30s currently, but this problem is persistent since I was just 15 years. Back then , I was very curious about everything and specially the concept of God. A subject like this, which has no clarity and is based solely on faith left me so many unanswered questions that it started affecting my studies. so much so that I used to be a top ranker till I was 14 but ever since I started thinking on this topic, I never got well in studies and neither did it bother me. Mine was not a normal case as I was thinking & fighting over 1000s of questions every second about what is God? How does wearing a locket bearing a God's image benefit anyone? how does whatever is happening is happening that way? Where do thoughts come from, whatever I am thinking of at this moment come into my mind, who made this thought, how am i making this thought? While watching television or a movie, while most of my peers would enjoy shows or observe the acting of the movie stars, I would be engaged in thinking that how does an actor act, would he not be conscious about his heartbeat or that whether he is breathing at the right interval, what he forgets to breath ? How can he concentrate on acting when there is so much to take care about? The same thoughts disturbed me while studying also, for example while writing, if I looked at the pencil tip, I would be bombarded with thoughts like what if I forget how to write? how am i writing ? why dont I forget the next word that i am going to write, what if I forget Hindi or english, and then i would think that I have already forgotten the language. I'd see someone giving a speech & wonder how is he saying what he is? I would see someone stammering and would feel that now I will also stammer, now I've become like him. While sleeping, I would think that how can i sleep? how will sleep come to me? I will not be able to sleep and after 30-40 minutes I'll keep wondering about this till finally I slept.
A little bit of this must happen with everyone but with me it was a lot, so much that I would not be able to concentrate on anything. My mind was constantly trying to find answers, I felt tired at every moment. This led to my giving up on everything , studies and everything that was expected out of me by my parents. I just wanted to free myself from the bondage of these thoughts. By this time, for an year or two I also took to drinking and engaged in bad company because their carefree attitude somehow freed me from these daunting thoughts. I had graduated by now.
I'd often wake up at midnight thinking about the existence of God, confused whether I should believe in Him or not? Finally, I got my hands over a XXXXXXX Vivekanand's book and there I found the answers to all my questions about God. This made me realize that I was not on the right path and that I was giving up because I could not find answers of why these things daunt me. Ever since childhood, I had an inclination towards helping poor and needy and I would often cry looking at small children who beg or are in trouble, This would make me blame myself for not having done anything about this. Reading Swamiji's thoughts answered many of my questions and in pursuit of my goal of finding answers, I started a business.
Being a first generation entrepreneur without any capital, I was constantly in stress in the last 12 years. Since for a first generation entrepreneur , there are many challenges in keeping the business afloat, my mind was constantly fighting with threats, problems, I used to work 16-18 hrs a day without any break, not even a monthly off. I've become so used to a stressful mind that even if things seem fine, i try to find the problems that may come and there is a constant fear that things will not go alright if I loosen up, so I must think every second that I am awake. Even if I spare an hour on something important like watching News or something, I would feel guilty of wasting time and my mind would blame me that I am doing this not because it is important but because I like it which I am not entitled to since there are so many people in trouble and I have not done anything about them so far. This has led to the same thoughts coming back to my mind. My business is not doing too well and and now I've started feeling that maybe its because I'm completely drained but then when I look at anyone in trouble I feel that I must work more as it is only by working that I can reach a level from where I can make a change. I'd like to know how do I think constructively and work in a way that I'm happy without feeling guilty of not doing my best?