Question: Day 3, no alcohol. What's missing from my life is that I don't have good moments of happiness. Either 1) I feel drugged, or 2) I feel anxious, or both. When I drank, for a short while I would forget about my troubles and "felt happy", but I don't have that now. I've taken Lexapro for 8 weeks now, and it does not feel like "I'm getting back to my old life". I have fears that I never will, and am heading for an early grave, because maybe there is something seriously wrong with me. My mother is still alive and well and probably doing better than me, but my father died at 65, after years of premonitions of dying early. He died of cardiac failure, however, and so far doctors are telling me that my heart is fine. In fact, overall doctors and tests say that I'm in a reasonably good condition with no serious health issues---except severe anxiety disorder, just recently.

Because Lexapro affects different people differently, is it possible that it's not going to bring me that sense of happy calm I used to have? All it's going to do is to keep me from "bouncing off the walls", but life will still be difficult? As I said before, when I am feeling miserable, I start having doubts.

Okay, here's a question that has been puzzling me for a long time now. When i take my first dose of Lexapro in the morning, after having not taken anything else since the night before (trazodone), what should I expect to feel within an a hour or so? Should I a) feel more energized, less calm, or 2) feel like I'm in a stupor, or 3) nothing?

It would be ideal if I'd feel a sense of calm after taking a dose of Lexapro, but that doesn't seem to be happening. I just take it and see how I change over weeks and months. I really don't understand what Lexapro is doing for me.

The fuzzy picture I had before was that both alcohol and Lexapro causes a momentary increase in serotonin in the synapses, but by different means. That's why I thought that Lexapro would have an effect somewhat similar to having a drink, but it clearly does not, as experience shows. I know that alcohol not only damages the brain in the long run (apparently at almost any level of consumption), it interferes with the actions of Lexapro. What you said was interesting, and I'm going to now guess that at 10 mg daily, the amount of serotonin increase in the synapses from the Lexapro is mild compared what can be got from drinking---but it serves to increase the number of serontonin receptors? Which has to take time as it's part of the healing process?

I know that people who have had long histories of anxiety disorders have a difficult time with maintaining remission, even with help of drugs. However, while recognizing that I was probably having more of a problem with anxiety as I got older, I am hoping that at least with Lexapro and therapy over time I'd at least be able to get back to where I was sometime last before before all of this. But just like I always have to be mindful of my cardiovascular health, I will now always have to be mindful of anxiety as an health issue, both mind and body.

Am I being unrealistic in hoping to "get back to where I was before sometimne last year", when I just turned 67?

It's like I'm sprinkling liquid fertilizer around a small tree while I'm waiting for it to grow. I sprinkle the stuff because people tell me it's good for the tree, but I can't tell if it's doing any good except to remember how the tree was months ago. I know I've improved, but days are still difficult, and I have limited tolerance for stress of any kind. I spend most of my time trying to avoid prolonged stress, because then my anxiety takes over, and I have a powerful urge to have a drink to settle it down.

I think my greatest fear is that I could be suffering from dementia, because I've become socially withdrawn, find it difficult to go out and engage with people for long, and feel like I've lost interest in a variety of things I used to participate. Until as recently as six months ago, I would have no reason to imagine that I'm suffering from any cognitive decline because I was still active, enjoyed going out to the beach house, spending time with friends, and besides my usual business work, I was handling challenging math and physics problems for Brilliant.org. Now, I'm just mostly doing the challenging math and physics for Brilliant.org, as a recluse, and my family and friends are worried and disappointed that I'm not back to myself. I want to better understand what's going on.

My question now is, "Will you please continue to have this dialogue with me, regarding my condition? What would be the signs that I'm not actually suffering from dementia?"