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Can Narcissists Have Healthy Relationships?

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Posted on Wed, 31 May 2017
Question: My childhood is a divorce for 15 years of marriage with 10 yr old son and living independent. After 15 years (after our school) we came together thru a social media and very soon we came closer she proposes which I apprehended first due to her 10 yr old son and his closeness with her ex husband but she convince me that her son too will be accepting our relationship.
Now its been 7 months and she gradually disclosed some of crucial facts which is disturbing and also observed certain characteristics which indicates certain behaviour issues.
1.     She disclosed that she is having one more relationship with other guy and she slept with him, later said that was a bad day and now he is no more in her life later saw in facebook he is already there.
2.     Also she disclosed several affairs story she had
3.     She is hyper active over special platform and having very cheesy and casual gestures towards boys/men.
4.     She talk a lot about herself almost throughout the day over watsapp call and share her past and repetitively mentioning the same story over and over again.
5.     In most of the stories she glorifies herself, her father died 1 yr back she talks a lot about him and in most of the things/conversation she mentions him.
6.     Her friends talk bad and unethical about her once I heard them and inform her about the mishap, despite believing me she went to confront with her friends and reverted me and doubted my intentions and said you are having problem in your thought process.
7.     She never convince of my argument which is very logical which everybody else agrees/
8.     Whenever I try to show her the real picture she always ignores it.
9.     Professionally she got an amazing communication skill and go well. But here again too in her workplace too she is very much casual with her boss who were once her friend.
10.     She enjoys the status of explaining and convincing others.
11.     She is very very possessed about her son who is 10 yr old and really works very hard on his studies and takes very good care of herself.
12.     She usually says her friends are the priority in her life as they played a crucial role in her crisis.
13.     Spoken to her ex-husband, he just said he doesn’t have 1% trust on her, she usually lies and made her son lies too and always take some excuse to stay out of the house, she travels allaround the places outside the city too along with boss and few staffs where she stays in room sharing with boss which raise suspicion, high expectation from life compare him with others loud usually and things like that.
14.     She is very obsessed about me care about me shows lots of love for me and whole day she expect me to be hangaround with her over XXXXXXX and listen to her for long.
15.     Usually she put our call on hold/mute when ever her boss or any friends call her up which raises suspicion.
16.     She is very fond of cleanliness and orderly arrangement of things and feels very conscious on dirt and gets irritated if someone or even her sons spills over any dirt on bedsheet or anywhere in room.
17.     One thing is prominent she doesn’t refrain herself in sharing things with me rather her married life, love life of friends.
18.     Whenever she feels low she talks about ending her life and by morning she is back to normal.
19.     At times she is very difficult to understand, she portrays that she listen to me that too after blaming me “ Ok because this is the way you think which is not me, but I can do it for you”
I am confused, feeling insecure, cant trust her but she is very eager to get married.
Please guide me with the diagnosis of her as I am sure she is undergoing some psychological issues. And also as per diagnosis how to get away with the situation.
doctor
Answered by Dr. Sanjay Kini (4 hours later)
Brief Answer:
Only if you both can be faithful to each other then go ahead.Otherwise dont

Detailed Answer:
Hello Dear. I understand that you are in a quite complex, confused situation. First of all i would like to say that the lady you mentioned is pretty fine, psychologically. She is just one among the rest of the ladies, whose mood keeps swinging and thats pretty normal.

Its very difficult to understand a female mind. Even if a man does research for 100 years i dont think he can understand a female mind (Just on a lighter note).

Anyways what i would like you to understand is that- marriage is not a simple thing. Its a complex commitment which you take for lifetime. Men get attracted to women initially by desire for physical intimacy. At this time they try to overlook all her negatives and just will be hankering for physical intimacy. And at the same time women want a man for security and social status in their life. There is a saying which i came across in watsapp- "If men behaved the same way after marriage, as they used to behave before marriage then half of the divorces wouldn't take place. And if women behaved the same way before marriage, as they would be behaving after marriage then half of the marriages wouldn't take place".

The lady which you mentioned has had quite a few affairs till now. She may show lot of commitment towards you. That is because she is single and she wants security. But try to understand that if the same state continues after marriage your life will be hell. Now itself i can see that you are facing lot of repercussions in your relationship. Moreover she has a 10 year old boy. Whether he will accept you is very questionable as he may get close to his biological father too. Thats a different issue, anyways.

What i would like to suggest you is that you have an open talk with the lady you intend to marry. Tell her that only if she is willing to be totally faithful to you then you can go ahead with the relationship and decision to marry. She should be totally loyal to you and transparent in all the phone calls or communications. At the same time you too should make her the promise that you will also abide by the same.

If both of you agree for it and if you feel that it will work out then you can go ahead. But if at all you feel that such a thing is not possible, then do not compromise on things and go ahead for marriage. I repeat your life will turn into hell.

I suggest you that before taking a decision you can take one or two months time and see if she will be totally faithful to you, and at the same time you should be totally faithful to her and very caring. If you feel she will change her behavior and be the lady whom you want then you can go ahead. Otherwise do not. Just remain a good friend of her. Think very very wisely. Do not take decision in haste and spoil your life. This is what i suggest you as a friend.

Hope i have answered your question. Feel free to contact me if you have any more questions. I ll be glad to help you.
All the best
With warm regards
Dr Sanjay Kini





Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Vaishalee Punj
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Sanjay Kini (24 hours later)
Thanks & Appreciate your detail indepth answer to my qwery.

While going through online on different types of personality of a person I tried making out that most of her behaviour are inlined with Narcissist person rather her behaviour of telling lies hiding calls messages her closeness with male friends and casual gestures and cheesy lines during their interactions, seeking self glorification and self importance and if trying to make understand anything didnt try to accept the flaws or gap in communication, during conversation she is very smart in convincing you or making such statement where you stop moving ahead and accept her opinion or words though easily one can make out that her opinion or thought process is so wrong. Her habit of interferring in other peoples life and their problem and feeling of winning on making them their suggestions in due course she didnt even realises that it is 12 O clock or 1 O clock at night she is on call with other person (friend) online, getting irritated on qwerying and dragging her past and her helplessnes and a statement like "No one has ever listen or understand her in her life"

NOTE:
1. Her separation too was very smooth with her husband on asking her the ground She mentioned that her ex is no more having trust on her and having an apprehension on her Profession n her habit of moving out or talking to any male person/friends and all.
2. Even I notice and observe that while talking to me first thing she talks lot much and repeated events of past without realising that she has mentioned it several time in her earlier discussion, in her conversation she mentioned that she is more comfortable with boys than girls since her early days as she doesnt like the typical girly nature of cribbing and all and so she has more male friends to whom she is comfortable with.
3. Always seek for emotional anchor so discuss all her ins and out with friends and friends are taking undue advantage of her emotion or devaluing her friendship there were multiple occassions I conveyed it to her that your friends are actually not worth sharing your every minute details they play mockery out of you but She on other hand never believes me and take it other way and cross it with them and later confronted in negative manner to me.
4. Though whenever she is there with me she looks committed but late over a phone she left suspicion as she muted me or hold the calls...
5. Her life become a trash due to a person with whom she is working and her ex wre having a problem but she continues working with him even after separation and she knows that person got an ill intention even he proposed her couple of times but she continues work and travelling eventually force her ex to suspect
and to take a call on it---even I have heard her over a phone shouting one day on some post of him on facbook and later talking in very shuttle manner with him but now she is planned to quit in coming months.
6. She is in cordial relation with her ex husband and the kid too is very close to his father though Kid is very sensible and cooperative and deeply attached to her mother and confirms to her mother that he is very much in support in her every desicion, kid is too good and very calm boy likes me too but still I amhaving apprehension that HOW AM I GOING TO TAKE OR AM I GOING TO HAVE SUCH A BIG HEART(handle the situation) his or his mother's involvement with ex husbands in future.

Though she says that working was a decision taken out of pressure as there was no earning member, at heart she is a homely person like to manage home and all and she would convince kid too and graduualy help n develop a healthy relation with him, though she mentioned her friends are the asset disconneting with them is not possible for her; even I dont want her to be disconnected but certain degree of line should be drawn.

These all raises a hue of suspicion-confusion-lack of trust and a fear of handling things and how it is going to affect me emotionally too as me too came out of a divorce recently where I have seen a very disturb marital like of one year as the girl was suffering from OCPD/EUPD/BPD.

So I am just taking time to settle myself emotionally but that doesnt change the fact of issues she is having. I am in a fix.
doctor
Answered by Dr. Sanjay Kini (1 hour later)
Brief Answer:
Go for someone who is really meant for you & keep you happy

Detailed Answer:
Hello Dear. You might have concluded through your knowledge from google that she has narcissist type of personality. Doesn't matter. If we analyse each and every person in this world, everyone will have some traits of all these personalities- narcissist, borderline, OCD, anxiety disorder and what not. If we go by strict definitions of all psychiatric disorders we will find that none of the people in this world are mentally healthy. So the thing is that as far as the person can lead his/her life independently, rationally, in a socially acceptable way it is fine. So as far as the lady is concerned you need not worry that she has some psychiatric disorder which may need treatment. Its not required. She is fine.

Now coming to the fact whether you need to go ahead with having her life partner, you need to sit and analyse fully keeping in view the long term consequences of your marriage and not just focussing on the initial days of your marriage like honeymoon and so which might look rosy.

One thing is for sure, if the lady continues to be close to so many men, having secret conversations etc, and if she doesnt seem likely to change her behavior then you are definitely going to suffer a hell lot in life. Because no man would like to share his wife's heart with other men and vice versa. Marriage is a big compromise where it ll work out smoothly only if you can commit to each other in all situations of life, be faithful, chaste to each other, and accept each others positives and negatives. But if the core aspect of loyalty, faithfulness to each other is at stake, then the marriage will not last long. Since you have already experienced a divorce, it is not worth going for another, as it will affect your mental peace severely.

There are lot of good, beautiful, chaste ladies around. You can think of the option of going for someone who is really meant for you and keep you happy, rather than going into a compromised relationship. This is what i feel by analyzing your story.

Think wisely. Your well wisher- Dr Sanjay Kini
Note: For further guidance on mental health, Click here.

Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Prasad
doctor
Answered by
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Dr. Sanjay Kini

General & Family Physician

Practicing since :2009

Answered : 1354 Questions

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Can Narcissists Have Healthy Relationships?

Brief Answer: Only if you both can be faithful to each other then go ahead.Otherwise dont Detailed Answer: Hello Dear. I understand that you are in a quite complex, confused situation. First of all i would like to say that the lady you mentioned is pretty fine, psychologically. She is just one among the rest of the ladies, whose mood keeps swinging and thats pretty normal. Its very difficult to understand a female mind. Even if a man does research for 100 years i dont think he can understand a female mind (Just on a lighter note). Anyways what i would like you to understand is that- marriage is not a simple thing. Its a complex commitment which you take for lifetime. Men get attracted to women initially by desire for physical intimacy. At this time they try to overlook all her negatives and just will be hankering for physical intimacy. And at the same time women want a man for security and social status in their life. There is a saying which i came across in watsapp- "If men behaved the same way after marriage, as they used to behave before marriage then half of the divorces wouldn't take place. And if women behaved the same way before marriage, as they would be behaving after marriage then half of the marriages wouldn't take place". The lady which you mentioned has had quite a few affairs till now. She may show lot of commitment towards you. That is because she is single and she wants security. But try to understand that if the same state continues after marriage your life will be hell. Now itself i can see that you are facing lot of repercussions in your relationship. Moreover she has a 10 year old boy. Whether he will accept you is very questionable as he may get close to his biological father too. Thats a different issue, anyways. What i would like to suggest you is that you have an open talk with the lady you intend to marry. Tell her that only if she is willing to be totally faithful to you then you can go ahead with the relationship and decision to marry. She should be totally loyal to you and transparent in all the phone calls or communications. At the same time you too should make her the promise that you will also abide by the same. If both of you agree for it and if you feel that it will work out then you can go ahead. But if at all you feel that such a thing is not possible, then do not compromise on things and go ahead for marriage. I repeat your life will turn into hell. I suggest you that before taking a decision you can take one or two months time and see if she will be totally faithful to you, and at the same time you should be totally faithful to her and very caring. If you feel she will change her behavior and be the lady whom you want then you can go ahead. Otherwise do not. Just remain a good friend of her. Think very very wisely. Do not take decision in haste and spoil your life. This is what i suggest you as a friend. Hope i have answered your question. Feel free to contact me if you have any more questions. I ll be glad to help you. All the best With warm regards Dr Sanjay Kini