I ve been with my boyfriend for 5 and a half years. Two weeks ago I got suspicious because he kept talking about this girl and for months he s been hiding his phone, logging out of facebook really quick etc. I finally discovered his password and all my fears came true. He was face-booking a girl for months talking about meeting up and about sex. When I confronted him he said he was just doing it for a bit of fun but never had it in him to cheat on me. I believe him, but decided to take a break as I was shocked and hurt.I don t know if I ever loved him. I never fell head over heels like he did. He was so attached to me. I was his first relationship and his first sexual partner. I hadn t loads of experience either but I had been hurt before and it gave me the urge to treat him like crap because I knew he d take it. For the first year or so I was horrible to him. After awhile I realized I needed him. He was so sweet, calm and kind. I definitely became attached to him but was never sure if I was settling or if I loved him. We had good times, everything was so exciting and new. Then after two and a half years of being together I kissed a guy on holiday which I hadn t planned, I just got caught in the moment. He found out and I broke his heart. He forgave me but I know he just wasn t strong enough to let me go. I was happy with him after that, we even survived a year and a half long distance relationship when I was at college. Everything felt so sweet and exciting when he used to visit me once a week. You see, he s such a generous and selfless person. I still had moments of doubt. I didn t feel like I loved him. I knew how to show him love and grew to love us as a couple. But I just felt I never had that crazy in love, can t live without him feeling. I learned to accept what I didn t like about him and I would always be kind to him and loving to him. I felt like there was distance between us, which I asked him about. He never seemed to have time for me or have much compassion for me. After the 3 and a half year mark I felt a strong urge to break it off with him. I felt so upset that I only managed to last about a week. I took a long look at myself and wondered was I capable of love? Here s this kind, sweet, generous guy who I don t seem to love. I thought how do I know I love him? Am I comparing love to what we see in the movies or what my friend s relationships are like? We got back together and I felt some euphoric feelings and I felt a connection I never felt before. I wrote him an 8 page letter and he only wrote one page. He s not great with his feelings but when he opened up a bit I felt a deeper connection. I told him I held a lot of guilt for the way I treated on him in the past. He said he forgave me and that he realized he was being distant. For months after that it felt lovely, I felt attracted to him and I felt happy. Then about 8 months later he broke up with me. I was heartbroken. I couldn t eat or sleep. Everyone could hear me crying all over the house. I begged him not to do this and couldn t understand it because he was absolutely devastated when I broke up with him. Anyway a few days later he calls me up saying he does want to be with me. Ever since it s been a bit dead. I felt a distance, I felt unconnected. I m always open about my feelings with him. Him breaking up with me made me realize how much I loved him because I was so heartbroken. In the past six months, I ve been unable to enjoy sex with him. I haven t been attracted to him at all and we barely see each other because he works so much. I tried to accept it because I didn t want to break up for superficial reasons and because I didn t want to break his heart or mine again. Then I caught him talking to that girl so it got me thinking. Maybe we need time apart to grow, to find ourselves. Maybe if I met him now, at this age, new and hurt free we would be a better couple and I could fall in love the way I should have. Or maybe I ll realize we re not meant to be. But what worries me is that I know every relationship gets to a stage where there s no spark anymore. I m afraid that could happen 5 years down the line with someone else. What if I don t know how to fall in love? How do you know? I m going to compare everyone to him. We have so many memories to look back on I just don t love the present with him. I feel guilty for breaking up with him. I don t have many friends and I m worried about being alone or getting back with him out of loneliness or habit. How do you let someone go? He never talks to me about the future much and he hasn t got goals or desires like me. He s so comfortable though. I m lucky to have him. He doesn t show his love to me that well. It s only when we break up I see his emotions. I wrote him a 5 page email telling him how I felt and he wrote a paragraph back. It was believable, he realized he was wrong to text that girl and said he definitely wants to be with me. I m more of a deep thinker and think we need time apart to grow and hopefully we ll come together more mature. I wrote another 5 pages stating this and he just wrote back probably for the best, i haven t got much to say thanks he told me to stop talking to him that it s hurting him and that he seen this coming but doesn t have a desire to be with anyone else and still loves me. Oh I wish I wasn t so complicated. Why can t I just love him the way he does?