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Suggest Ways To Manage Anxiety Due To Fear Of Infidelity By Partner
Question: Hello Dr.
I am a 25 year old girl, got married in January end this year. I and my husband met through a matrimonial site. After meeting each other in December 2013, we agreed to marry. There had been a lot of turbulence before our marriage as my husband cripples because of weak left leg, his gait cycle is imperfect. But I took stand to marry him as I liked his confidence. I had a lot of arguments with my parents before they really got convinced.
Before our marriage, he used to tell me about his small love affairs, which used to include internet chatting, telephonic conversation etc. I used to take them all very lightly. In August 2014, when I got very irritated with his love stories, I requested him to stop narrating those to me and stop talking to me about any girl he had known in past, though I never asked him to stop talking to them. He continues talk about a few, though not very often. After marriage, everything was on track before I discovered a letter from a girl in his laptop. The content of the letter includes the girl's cherishing emotions of their getting physical, undressing each other etc. This shattered me. He told me about this girl but not this fact. He always keep telling me that with all girls he always had a long-term relationship. When my husband came to know about this, he said this was his past and nothing is there in his presence. He has blocked her from fb as well on my request. I have known him for more than a year now, so I believe he is saying truth, but still this fact pinched me day-in and day-out. He is in marketing job, travels a lot, I am not able to trust him besides the fact that somewhere at back of my mind I know he is trustworthy.
I try to overcome these thoughts of his infidelity with sweet memories we have but most of the times I fail. I fought a lot with my parents and family to marry him because I couldn't reject him because of his physical disability, that is why I am scared to discuss this issue with any of my family member. I am totally clueless, what to do. I don't think I can lose him.Please help!
I am a 25 year old girl, got married in January end this year. I and my husband met through a matrimonial site. After meeting each other in December 2013, we agreed to marry. There had been a lot of turbulence before our marriage as my husband cripples because of weak left leg, his gait cycle is imperfect. But I took stand to marry him as I liked his confidence. I had a lot of arguments with my parents before they really got convinced.
Before our marriage, he used to tell me about his small love affairs, which used to include internet chatting, telephonic conversation etc. I used to take them all very lightly. In August 2014, when I got very irritated with his love stories, I requested him to stop narrating those to me and stop talking to me about any girl he had known in past, though I never asked him to stop talking to them. He continues talk about a few, though not very often. After marriage, everything was on track before I discovered a letter from a girl in his laptop. The content of the letter includes the girl's cherishing emotions of their getting physical, undressing each other etc. This shattered me. He told me about this girl but not this fact. He always keep telling me that with all girls he always had a long-term relationship. When my husband came to know about this, he said this was his past and nothing is there in his presence. He has blocked her from fb as well on my request. I have known him for more than a year now, so I believe he is saying truth, but still this fact pinched me day-in and day-out. He is in marketing job, travels a lot, I am not able to trust him besides the fact that somewhere at back of my mind I know he is trustworthy.
I try to overcome these thoughts of his infidelity with sweet memories we have but most of the times I fail. I fought a lot with my parents and family to marry him because I couldn't reject him because of his physical disability, that is why I am scared to discuss this issue with any of my family member. I am totally clueless, what to do. I don't think I can lose him.Please help!
Brief Answer:
trust each other; share you feelings with him.
Detailed Answer:
Hello
Welcome to HealthcareMagic.
Dear, I can understand your concerns.
The marital relationship is based on trust. First and foremost thing is to keep faith in your husband. I know its easier said then done.
Anyhow, I have some suggestions for you which you may find helpful for your relationship:
1. Do not make any decisions in any sort of emotionally intensive state (when you are angry, sad, depressed or agitated).
2. Accept your feelings. Your thoughts are not baseless. Do not try hard to overcome these thoughts. The more you deny these thought, the more they will intrude you.
3. Give time to yourself. Ask yourself what do you want and expect from this relationship. The answers will help you to decide further course of action.
4. Try not to get into blaming game. This will generate the anger feelings between you two.
5. Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.
6. Try to meet his most important emotional needs.
7. Give him undivided attention. Take good care of him.
8. Be completely honest with him from your side.
Let the issues remain between you two. Try no to involve your families as far as possible. This might generate feeling of mistrust between you two.
Talk to him everything you feel so that there is no regret in future.
Hope you find my suggestions helpful.
Feel free to discuss if you have more issues. I will be happy to help.
Take care.
Thanks.
trust each other; share you feelings with him.
Detailed Answer:
Hello
Welcome to HealthcareMagic.
Dear, I can understand your concerns.
The marital relationship is based on trust. First and foremost thing is to keep faith in your husband. I know its easier said then done.
Anyhow, I have some suggestions for you which you may find helpful for your relationship:
1. Do not make any decisions in any sort of emotionally intensive state (when you are angry, sad, depressed or agitated).
2. Accept your feelings. Your thoughts are not baseless. Do not try hard to overcome these thoughts. The more you deny these thought, the more they will intrude you.
3. Give time to yourself. Ask yourself what do you want and expect from this relationship. The answers will help you to decide further course of action.
4. Try not to get into blaming game. This will generate the anger feelings between you two.
5. Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.
6. Try to meet his most important emotional needs.
7. Give him undivided attention. Take good care of him.
8. Be completely honest with him from your side.
Let the issues remain between you two. Try no to involve your families as far as possible. This might generate feeling of mistrust between you two.
Talk to him everything you feel so that there is no regret in future.
Hope you find my suggestions helpful.
Feel free to discuss if you have more issues. I will be happy to help.
Take care.
Thanks.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Dear doctor,
I totally agree to your suggestions. I never try to blame him or taunt him intentionally but sometimes out of irritation I end up taunting him.
He had been very casual with his female friends in past, call them by names like, jaan, sexy etc., touching them etc. I very seriously asked him to behave decently with girls because I never want anyone to take him lightly and make his fun later on because of such things. He agreed to thus but even after a week of my finding letter, clarifying our dispute, he repeated the same when one of him female friend from XXXXXXX visited us.
Sometimes I am not able to understand what's going on inside his mind.
Sometimes I feel like he married me only because he was very well aware of the fact that no other equally girl could marry her because of his leg.
Please help.
I totally agree to your suggestions. I never try to blame him or taunt him intentionally but sometimes out of irritation I end up taunting him.
He had been very casual with his female friends in past, call them by names like, jaan, sexy etc., touching them etc. I very seriously asked him to behave decently with girls because I never want anyone to take him lightly and make his fun later on because of such things. He agreed to thus but even after a week of my finding letter, clarifying our dispute, he repeated the same when one of him female friend from XXXXXXX visited us.
Sometimes I am not able to understand what's going on inside his mind.
Sometimes I feel like he married me only because he was very well aware of the fact that no other equally girl could marry her because of his leg.
Please help.
Brief Answer:
Be bold, take a stand for yourself.
Detailed Answer:
Hello again.
Sorry for the delayed response.
Dear, I understand that you are facing a difficult situation.
He is persisting with his careless behaviour. Despite repeated clarifications, he continues be casual with his past and present female friends.
I think this is very callous on his part. He is not caring for your emotions, how you feel.
In this case, you must try to make him realize the practicalities of the situation.
For example, you can ask for answer about what he would have felt if you would have been doing same things with your male friends?
What social impact this would have on your reputations and relationship?
Ask him, how would he feel if you take him for-granted?
It quite normal that your get irritated by his behaviour and taunt him out of irritation.
But the more desperate you will become, the hurt you would feel. You have to be bold.
Next time when you find him repeating this behavior, ask him for a straight-forward choice. Ask him boldly that what he expect from you and your relationship. Tell him that you can not bear his odd behavior with his female friends.
Your boldness will make him realize his faults.
Never under-estimate yourself. You also have a life. You have all rights to live happily.
In short,
Be straight-forward and bold. Do not show him that your are emotionally dependent on him. Take strong and clear decisions for yourself.
Hope this is of some help to you.
Feel free to discuss further.
Thanks.
Dr. Shubham Mehta, MD.
Be bold, take a stand for yourself.
Detailed Answer:
Hello again.
Sorry for the delayed response.
Dear, I understand that you are facing a difficult situation.
He is persisting with his careless behaviour. Despite repeated clarifications, he continues be casual with his past and present female friends.
I think this is very callous on his part. He is not caring for your emotions, how you feel.
In this case, you must try to make him realize the practicalities of the situation.
For example, you can ask for answer about what he would have felt if you would have been doing same things with your male friends?
What social impact this would have on your reputations and relationship?
Ask him, how would he feel if you take him for-granted?
It quite normal that your get irritated by his behaviour and taunt him out of irritation.
But the more desperate you will become, the hurt you would feel. You have to be bold.
Next time when you find him repeating this behavior, ask him for a straight-forward choice. Ask him boldly that what he expect from you and your relationship. Tell him that you can not bear his odd behavior with his female friends.
Your boldness will make him realize his faults.
Never under-estimate yourself. You also have a life. You have all rights to live happily.
In short,
Be straight-forward and bold. Do not show him that your are emotionally dependent on him. Take strong and clear decisions for yourself.
Hope this is of some help to you.
Feel free to discuss further.
Thanks.
Dr. Shubham Mehta, MD.
Note: For further guidance on mental health, Click here.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Answered by
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