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Suggest Ways To Improve Communication In A Relationship
Question: Please send this question to Dr Sheppe, as he has all previous information, etc.
Dr Sheppe,
I tried your advice of being upfront, honest, etc and not sugarcoating the situation. I gently explained to my daughter the reasons why I am not supportive of her relationship, and I also gently explained that myself, her brother and father were very hurt that she had made Christmas plans with her boyfriends family and declined our invitations for Christmas Eve and/or Christmas morning. She responded by crying, making claims that I was attacking/blaming her, and she tried to escape from the car (this happened whilst driving). I reinforced that I was not trying to blame, etc, and I apologised for making her upset, however I needed to express my feelings, and I also was trying to understand the shift in her behaviour, since being in her new relationship (ie; family and friends were now a low priority to her, and family used to mean the world to her). When she was in hospital, her Psychiatrist said her relationship was codependent. I am a bit confused, as it appears very codependent, but I though codependency was a formed pattern of behaviour. Her prior relationship of 3 yrs was not codependent at all, and very balanced. Could it be that she has become codependent due to suppressing her emotions from her previous relationship (grief, loss, feelings of no self worth and rejection)?
Please suggest ways that I can positively communicate with her? At this stage I have distanced myself, as she needs to understand that I deserve to be treated with respect, and I need to focus on my own health. By doing this, I am afraid she will perceive this as abandonment? Other people tell me that I need to continually be in her life, offer support, love, etc, on a daily basis, so I am confused if I am doing the right thing?
Sorry for all the questions. We are just trying our best to leave her be (to learn from the consequences of her decisions), however still be there for her when she needs us. She tells me her Psychologist is working with her on building her self esteem, however they don't have another appt until end of XXXXXXX
Dr Sheppe,
I tried your advice of being upfront, honest, etc and not sugarcoating the situation. I gently explained to my daughter the reasons why I am not supportive of her relationship, and I also gently explained that myself, her brother and father were very hurt that she had made Christmas plans with her boyfriends family and declined our invitations for Christmas Eve and/or Christmas morning. She responded by crying, making claims that I was attacking/blaming her, and she tried to escape from the car (this happened whilst driving). I reinforced that I was not trying to blame, etc, and I apologised for making her upset, however I needed to express my feelings, and I also was trying to understand the shift in her behaviour, since being in her new relationship (ie; family and friends were now a low priority to her, and family used to mean the world to her). When she was in hospital, her Psychiatrist said her relationship was codependent. I am a bit confused, as it appears very codependent, but I though codependency was a formed pattern of behaviour. Her prior relationship of 3 yrs was not codependent at all, and very balanced. Could it be that she has become codependent due to suppressing her emotions from her previous relationship (grief, loss, feelings of no self worth and rejection)?
Please suggest ways that I can positively communicate with her? At this stage I have distanced myself, as she needs to understand that I deserve to be treated with respect, and I need to focus on my own health. By doing this, I am afraid she will perceive this as abandonment? Other people tell me that I need to continually be in her life, offer support, love, etc, on a daily basis, so I am confused if I am doing the right thing?
Sorry for all the questions. We are just trying our best to leave her be (to learn from the consequences of her decisions), however still be there for her when she needs us. She tells me her Psychologist is working with her on building her self esteem, however they don't have another appt until end of XXXXXXX
Brief Answer:
Consultation
Detailed Answer:
Hello again, and thanks very much for reaching out to me.
Let me begin by saying you have done the very best you could in this situation. You were honest with your daughter in a gentle way. You expressed your love and support but also expressed your very reasonable concerns with her recent decisions. She responded in a very emotional and immature way (saying you were attacking her, trying to break out of the car).
It is not your fault she is behaving this way. You are doing the best you can. Now what you need to do is make it clear her actions have consequences, and leave her be for a while. I disagree that you need to constantly be trying to show her support -- if she behaves in an immature way, she needs to learn rules and boundaries and that her actions have consequences. I would stop trying to communicate with her and wait for her to reach out to you. You have done all you can to be helpful, and she is disrespecting that. She needs to learn boundaries and consequences -- that treating people badly means she is choosing to not have them interact with her.
It may be that codependent behaviors are starting to become more prominent now that she is older, and there may be something about this relationship in particular that is making them more prominent. But I agree that she is behaving in a classic codependent borderline personality fashion.
To conclude, I think you need to teach her boundaries and consequences by not talking to her for a while. Wait for her to reach out and apologize. Tell her an apology is necessary when she finally does reach out. Short of that, giving in to her immature behaviors would only be reinforcing them, which you should not do.
Remember, to reach me directly, it is important to use my private link -- otherwise other people can answer the question and it takes much longer for me to write a response to you. My link is:
XXXX
OR
https://doctor.healthcaremagic.com/Funnel?page=askDoctorDirectly&docId=70684
Remember to rate 5 stars and close the answer if you are satisfied!
All the best,
Dr. Sheppe
Consultation
Detailed Answer:
Hello again, and thanks very much for reaching out to me.
Let me begin by saying you have done the very best you could in this situation. You were honest with your daughter in a gentle way. You expressed your love and support but also expressed your very reasonable concerns with her recent decisions. She responded in a very emotional and immature way (saying you were attacking her, trying to break out of the car).
It is not your fault she is behaving this way. You are doing the best you can. Now what you need to do is make it clear her actions have consequences, and leave her be for a while. I disagree that you need to constantly be trying to show her support -- if she behaves in an immature way, she needs to learn rules and boundaries and that her actions have consequences. I would stop trying to communicate with her and wait for her to reach out to you. You have done all you can to be helpful, and she is disrespecting that. She needs to learn boundaries and consequences -- that treating people badly means she is choosing to not have them interact with her.
It may be that codependent behaviors are starting to become more prominent now that she is older, and there may be something about this relationship in particular that is making them more prominent. But I agree that she is behaving in a classic codependent borderline personality fashion.
To conclude, I think you need to teach her boundaries and consequences by not talking to her for a while. Wait for her to reach out and apologize. Tell her an apology is necessary when she finally does reach out. Short of that, giving in to her immature behaviors would only be reinforcing them, which you should not do.
Remember, to reach me directly, it is important to use my private link -- otherwise other people can answer the question and it takes much longer for me to write a response to you. My link is:
XXXX
OR
https://doctor.healthcaremagic.com/Funnel?page=askDoctorDirectly&docId=70684
Remember to rate 5 stars and close the answer if you are satisfied!
All the best,
Dr. Sheppe
Note: For further guidance on mental health, Click here.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Yogesh D
Answered by
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