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Suggest Treatment For Depression And Mental Trauma After Verbal Abuse
Question: Over a five year period, I had three separate friends ask to come visit me, all of them were emotionally abusive to the point where a third party stepped in to end the visit. I took all the abuse with a smile on my face, and now the words they said to me continue to haunt me daily. My father was an abusive alcoholic and I'm aware of my tendencies towards codependency and making excuses for other's bad behavior. I just wish I could stop thinking about all the mean things they said and did, I wish I could forgive myself.
Brief Answer:
need yoir responce
Detailed Answer:
Hi,
Welcome to Health Care Magic,
I am Dr.Muhammad Ahmad, I have read your message and will try to help you in best possible way.
I would like you to give me some more info in this regard.
Here i will ask you some questions to guide our conversation
1) Do you think you are to be blamed?
2) Are you willing to make a new start?
3) Thats a great thing that you know your tendencies and short comings? did you try to over come them? are you willing to?
4) Have you shared these things with any one?
5) Are you willing to forget the past and make future better?
Waiting for your input.
Dr.Muhammad Ahmad
M.B.B.S
Resident M.D.
need yoir responce
Detailed Answer:
Hi,
Welcome to Health Care Magic,
I am Dr.Muhammad Ahmad, I have read your message and will try to help you in best possible way.
I would like you to give me some more info in this regard.
Here i will ask you some questions to guide our conversation
1) Do you think you are to be blamed?
2) Are you willing to make a new start?
3) Thats a great thing that you know your tendencies and short comings? did you try to over come them? are you willing to?
4) Have you shared these things with any one?
5) Are you willing to forget the past and make future better?
Waiting for your input.
Dr.Muhammad Ahmad
M.B.B.S
Resident M.D.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
I am responsible for giving when I had a gut feeling that I shouldn't, I said "yes" when I felt "no". As for being "blamed", I don't feel or think that I am to blame, neither do any of the people observing from the outside, each guest seemed to be comfortable enough to stay until they were asked to leave-at any time they could have chosen to go if they were not enjoying themselves- the major complaint being that they didn't like my "vibe", when I asked for more specific feedback from the visitors, they each became angry. I am very willing, wanting SO much to make a new start, to stop thinking obsessive thoughts. I am trying to overcome the patterns from childhood, to have firm and healthy boundaries and not unconsciously choosing to be the martyr/scapegoat...so far, being aware of these moments when my patterns are being triggered hasn't been a problem, and I take a moment to observe the trigger. On the whole, it has helped make me a better person, I am far more comfortable saying "no" without feeling threatened. To give you a bit more insight, the friends were all people I have known for 20 years, I hadn't seen any one of them for 5 years prior to their visit because I have move to a new country and have become successful (my lifelong dream of owning land has come true) and outside observers told me they thought jealousy was a factor in their behavior. The first friend arrived with two of her friends with her, when I asked her if she wanted to spend some time with me, she said she was "too lazy" I took it with a "no problem" attitude (enabler/martyr); shortly after her and her friends made a plan to get massages, they told me that "there is no room for you". I told my friend something personal, specifically asking her to keep it private, the next day it was a group discussion. And I said nothing. A few years after her visit, she apologized for her "ignorance and shit" but continued to tell me how much she felt my "vibe" sucked, yet also kept telling me how she missed me "so much". In 2010 I stepped on a rattlesnake and got bit, it was traumatic and painful, when I asked her in an e mail if I could tell her the story, she said "no thanks, sounds like a campfire story". That is when I finally let go...I felt devalued, uncared for and silenced. The two subsequent guests were equally passive aggressive. I saw a therapist for six months, and I ended that when it began to feel like I was just describing the week that had past since the last appointment, like describing the weather, for too much money. I am now looking into EDMR therapy because I have not let go of the trauma of the abusiveness of it all, and I think it has a lot to do with the trauma from my early childhood. I just need advice on how to truly work through this and finally let it go so I can feel free and happy again. Sorry to be so longwinded, I tried to give a condensed version...
Brief Answer:
You can do it
Detailed Answer:
Hi,
Thanks for writing back,
I have read your detailed answer and will try to come up with points i think are going to help you through.
In psychological issues, we have two main categories of patients,
1)Those who don't know what's wrong.
2) Don't who know what's wrong and just need a way to make it right.
The second category are the lucky ones because they ,if try, Get better by themselves all they need is some guidance , and a line of action. They have much better results compared to the first category. And I am pleased to know that you are among the second category of people.(won't call you a patient though).
I can understand well how childhood problems and abusive behaviours your faced have palyed there part in developing some aspacts of your personality which normaly wouldn't have been there and then now when you wanted some friends to share your life, your laughter and sorrows , to stand by you, they showed such response.
Since then you have been fighting to get over it over your past you have improved much, you are successful in life and are in a situation when people are suspected to envy you even, but still there are things haunting you.
Now the situation we have here is this:
1) The past is gone.But has dented you badly.
2) You are well aware of what happened, what others did wrong to you, what you could have done better and shouldn't have happened.
3) You are willing and trying your level best to make things better for you.
4) Things have got better by , lets say 60% but for remaining 40% you want some line of action.
NOW, i think if you get some plan to follow it won't be really hard for you to make things better, it's hard to make some one walk but if someone is already walking and trying , one just needs to show the path.
I will , hereby, try to help you through. So that's what you can try doing.
1) Let make a plan your self:
In the end it's you who is going to determine your path , just take a day off,,, away from internet and phone go to some study room or a park with a notebook and write down what you want to change . And write down how will you change it.
for example , 1) You want to forget the harsh words, abuses,comments and responses:
If you want to forget them just stop thinking about them, here i would also like to mention that don't try too hard to run from the past, sometimes one works so hard to get away from past that all what one is thinking about ,the whole day is ,past.
It's more easy said than done, "stop thinking about the past", but one can use a few tacts and tips to help oneself.
a) Remove things around you which remind you of the past, pictures, songs, movies, dresses, scents, tables chairs anything which always remind you of a bad happening of your past.
b) Find some hobbies and make yourself so busy in them that you don't find time for the past to take over your mind. It's simple really you can even start free lancing , a second job or ANY thing what you feel like, it would make you earn , you will make new contacts and friends plus it will keep you busy , and will keep you thinking about what happened.
2) Make simple rules for you:
You yourself have to make simple rules for you i will guide you through some important ones regarding your scenario.
a) I will give every one just one chance or two at XXXXXXX for some specific people, then i'll let go.
b) Those who aren't interested in sharing my pains and aren't happy with my vibes don't deserve me.
c) If a relation looks like breaking i will give it a fixed number of attempts to save it , lets say two attempts,like saying a sorry or a gift or anything but if other person doesn't want to even try saving it , I will let go.
Well these were just a few examples of rules , which almost every one at one point in their lives have to set, you can write down what went wrong in past and then you can make rules of your own to save your self from future similar problems.
HERE again i would like to mention that from now on "you shouldn't be trying to make past memories or the past relations better,or past YOU better , you simply can;t do it, yes you can save yourself from the same misery in future.
What you are gonna try is , to use your past as a learning experience and to make your future and present better , you have to tell yourself that what ever happened i cant change it , so there is no reason to keep thinking about that, at first you will have to tell yourself this thing then it will become your second nature and it will get easy for you to get rid of thoughts of past.
3) Write down what wrong you might have done:
No body is perfect, just look at yourself as a third person and ask yourself what wrong could you have done in the past , some of the things you have already mentioned like giving in when you shouldn't have, expecting too much, giving more chances to people who didn't deserve, letting people abuse your sincerity and care, caring too much about what people thought, etc, make a list and make a list of guidelines you are going to follow to avoid such thing happening in future.
4) Learn to say no:
Let's practise to say no, make your own rules , when anything is against your limits and rules , close your eyes, don;t listen to your heart , don,t think much , don;t see whose in front and say NO :) they say think hard to make rules for you then don't think much when you follow them.
5) Write down where you need setting limits.
Then decide limits for you and then don't let people or yourself cross these limits.
6) There is nothing like NATURE:
People say we can;t help it , we can't change it ..it's our "nature" ...no.. nature is nothing every thing can be changed...just write down what changes should be made in you and then go for them first it's an active effort ..then it becomes second nature.
7) Learn to tell yourself "I don;t care"
Don;t care much about fast and present of the people who hurt you or who no more matter to you... just tell your self WHO CARES... she said this... who cares... he did this who cares...
8) Ask yourself:
Ask yourself who deserves to matter to you and who deserves spoiling your present for ...if no one deserved spoiling your present and night sleep for ..then stop thinking about them and enjoy life.
9) Set up new goals:
You are a capable person your goal was owning a land you have it...set up more goals...which interest you...which are possible yet hard to get... but are well within your capabilities...and work for them this will give you a sense of worth...accomplishment...purpose and will keep ypou busy and working.
I hope these points , will help you, ,
..
stay blessed
Regards .
Dr.Muhammad Ahmad.
You can do it
Detailed Answer:
Hi,
Thanks for writing back,
I have read your detailed answer and will try to come up with points i think are going to help you through.
In psychological issues, we have two main categories of patients,
1)Those who don't know what's wrong.
2) Don't who know what's wrong and just need a way to make it right.
The second category are the lucky ones because they ,if try, Get better by themselves all they need is some guidance , and a line of action. They have much better results compared to the first category. And I am pleased to know that you are among the second category of people.(won't call you a patient though).
I can understand well how childhood problems and abusive behaviours your faced have palyed there part in developing some aspacts of your personality which normaly wouldn't have been there and then now when you wanted some friends to share your life, your laughter and sorrows , to stand by you, they showed such response.
Since then you have been fighting to get over it over your past you have improved much, you are successful in life and are in a situation when people are suspected to envy you even, but still there are things haunting you.
Now the situation we have here is this:
1) The past is gone.But has dented you badly.
2) You are well aware of what happened, what others did wrong to you, what you could have done better and shouldn't have happened.
3) You are willing and trying your level best to make things better for you.
4) Things have got better by , lets say 60% but for remaining 40% you want some line of action.
NOW, i think if you get some plan to follow it won't be really hard for you to make things better, it's hard to make some one walk but if someone is already walking and trying , one just needs to show the path.
I will , hereby, try to help you through. So that's what you can try doing.
1) Let make a plan your self:
In the end it's you who is going to determine your path , just take a day off,,, away from internet and phone go to some study room or a park with a notebook and write down what you want to change . And write down how will you change it.
for example , 1) You want to forget the harsh words, abuses,comments and responses:
If you want to forget them just stop thinking about them, here i would also like to mention that don't try too hard to run from the past, sometimes one works so hard to get away from past that all what one is thinking about ,the whole day is ,past.
It's more easy said than done, "stop thinking about the past", but one can use a few tacts and tips to help oneself.
a) Remove things around you which remind you of the past, pictures, songs, movies, dresses, scents, tables chairs anything which always remind you of a bad happening of your past.
b) Find some hobbies and make yourself so busy in them that you don't find time for the past to take over your mind. It's simple really you can even start free lancing , a second job or ANY thing what you feel like, it would make you earn , you will make new contacts and friends plus it will keep you busy , and will keep you thinking about what happened.
2) Make simple rules for you:
You yourself have to make simple rules for you i will guide you through some important ones regarding your scenario.
a) I will give every one just one chance or two at XXXXXXX for some specific people, then i'll let go.
b) Those who aren't interested in sharing my pains and aren't happy with my vibes don't deserve me.
c) If a relation looks like breaking i will give it a fixed number of attempts to save it , lets say two attempts,like saying a sorry or a gift or anything but if other person doesn't want to even try saving it , I will let go.
Well these were just a few examples of rules , which almost every one at one point in their lives have to set, you can write down what went wrong in past and then you can make rules of your own to save your self from future similar problems.
HERE again i would like to mention that from now on "you shouldn't be trying to make past memories or the past relations better,or past YOU better , you simply can;t do it, yes you can save yourself from the same misery in future.
What you are gonna try is , to use your past as a learning experience and to make your future and present better , you have to tell yourself that what ever happened i cant change it , so there is no reason to keep thinking about that, at first you will have to tell yourself this thing then it will become your second nature and it will get easy for you to get rid of thoughts of past.
3) Write down what wrong you might have done:
No body is perfect, just look at yourself as a third person and ask yourself what wrong could you have done in the past , some of the things you have already mentioned like giving in when you shouldn't have, expecting too much, giving more chances to people who didn't deserve, letting people abuse your sincerity and care, caring too much about what people thought, etc, make a list and make a list of guidelines you are going to follow to avoid such thing happening in future.
4) Learn to say no:
Let's practise to say no, make your own rules , when anything is against your limits and rules , close your eyes, don;t listen to your heart , don,t think much , don;t see whose in front and say NO :) they say think hard to make rules for you then don't think much when you follow them.
5) Write down where you need setting limits.
Then decide limits for you and then don't let people or yourself cross these limits.
6) There is nothing like NATURE:
People say we can;t help it , we can't change it ..it's our "nature" ...no.. nature is nothing every thing can be changed...just write down what changes should be made in you and then go for them first it's an active effort ..then it becomes second nature.
7) Learn to tell yourself "I don;t care"
Don;t care much about fast and present of the people who hurt you or who no more matter to you... just tell your self WHO CARES... she said this... who cares... he did this who cares...
8) Ask yourself:
Ask yourself who deserves to matter to you and who deserves spoiling your present for ...if no one deserved spoiling your present and night sleep for ..then stop thinking about them and enjoy life.
9) Set up new goals:
You are a capable person your goal was owning a land you have it...set up more goals...which interest you...which are possible yet hard to get... but are well within your capabilities...and work for them this will give you a sense of worth...accomplishment...purpose and will keep ypou busy and working.
I hope these points , will help you, ,
..
stay blessed
Regards .
Dr.Muhammad Ahmad.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Dr XXXXXXX Thank you so much for your help and guidance. Today is the day I begin to put your recommendations into practice. You have been very helpful to me, and I am sincerely grateful for it.
XXXXXXX
XXXXXXX
Brief Answer:
It is my pleasure to help you.
Detailed Answer:
Hi,
Thanks for your appreciation and will to work on this line of action.
Human emotions seldom follow a predictable path , one has to keep changing strategy and keep trying to hold them together.
It's always a mutual learning experience for both patient and the doctor.
what worked what didn't work , this happened now what to do,,,these discussions keep on going between the doctor and patient.
I would also like you to feel free if you want to get any therapy along with these tips i gave you any thing directed towards a good life should be given a try.
Even a psychotherapist who is willing to give you solutions and teach you methods of relaxations and getting out of your bad time , not just listening to you and counselling you that all is well.
Stay blessed and wish you the very best of luck and health :).
Your can contact me directly any time if needed at my page.
http://doctor.healthcaremagic.com/doctors/dr-muhammad-ahmad/69304
Regards,
Dr.Muhammad Ahmad.
M.B.B.S.
Resident M.D. (D.M)
It is my pleasure to help you.
Detailed Answer:
Hi,
Thanks for your appreciation and will to work on this line of action.
Human emotions seldom follow a predictable path , one has to keep changing strategy and keep trying to hold them together.
It's always a mutual learning experience for both patient and the doctor.
what worked what didn't work , this happened now what to do,,,these discussions keep on going between the doctor and patient.
I would also like you to feel free if you want to get any therapy along with these tips i gave you any thing directed towards a good life should be given a try.
Even a psychotherapist who is willing to give you solutions and teach you methods of relaxations and getting out of your bad time , not just listening to you and counselling you that all is well.
Stay blessed and wish you the very best of luck and health :).
Your can contact me directly any time if needed at my page.
http://doctor.healthcaremagic.com/doctors/dr-muhammad-ahmad/69304
Regards,
Dr.Muhammad Ahmad.
M.B.B.S.
Resident M.D. (D.M)
Note: For further guidance on mental health, Click here.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Answered by
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