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Dr. Andrew Rynne

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Should an affair with a married man be broken off despite feeling safe and secure?

Answered by
Dr.
Dr. Shubham Mehta

Psychiatrist

Practicing since :2008

Answered : 1992 Questions

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Posted on Tue, 8 May 2018 in Mental Health
Question: Hi i need psychiarist please
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 19 minutes later
Brief Answer:
Kindly ask your query.

Detailed Answer:
Hello
Welcome to HCM.
I am Dr. Shubham Mehta, Psychiatrist here.
Kindly ask your query. I will the to help you in all the possible ways here.

Hope to hear from you soon.
Thanks.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Kampana
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 30 minutes later
Hi dr.
Im 35 yrs woman in a relationship with a married man
And he is suppoting too much we’ve been only 2 .5 months dating
And now i need ur help
In shall i break it up with him becoz i know he will never be mine
Or i will continue since im feeling safe and secure...i am really lost and don’t want to hurt him ...how you can help me? If you need more details let me know plz

doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 4 hours later
Brief Answer:
What future do you expect?

Detailed Answer:
Sorry for the late reply.
Thanks for sharing the issue with me.
Any relationship should be laid on the foundation of trust and care.

You are feeling safe and secure with him till he is supporting you. But it is better to weigh the pros and cons of being in a relationship with a guy who is married.
I mean, if his wife come to know about this, then he may prefer to leave you. Then you will be hurt.

It is great that you are faithful in your relationship, but when a guy who is not faithful with his first partner, how can it be guaranteed that he would be faithful with you?

What future do you see with him? The answer to this question can be best given by you. You respect his feelings and don't want to hurt him but what if , say 6 months later, his wife comes to know all this? Then also, either or both of you would be hurt.

How initimate has your relationship been? Does he have kids? What are your future plans , I mean career, job etc?

Hope to hear from you soon.
Thanks.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Vaishalee Punj
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 6 hours later
No future plans he told me from the begining
...
His work career is very good
So is mine but need your help in taken my decision shall i leave him without telling him i mean just i will stop response him
Or shall i face him and tell him i cant go on since u r married... please advise the best and good way to leave without hurting him or myself
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 15 hours later
Brief Answer:
Do not leave without telling.

Detailed Answer:
Hi again.
In my opinion, you can simply discuss with him that there is no future of your relationship with him. It is better to step back at this time rather than getting more attached with time and getting hurt later.

Leaving him suddenly without telling might be perceived as betrayal. This might create a bad situation for both of you. It's better to get separated with each other's consent.

All the best.
Take care.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Kampana
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 4 days later
Dr subham,
Sorry but i couldnt do it face to face
Can i write it to him as a message
Or no need to talk about the subject
Just i will keep my self away ??!

Because also each time i talk to him i was asking him that i need to talk to you and i feel that he doesn’t want to say anything
( btw we are living in diffrent country) that is why we only catch on chat program...
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 18 hours later
Brief Answer:
How often do you meet?

Detailed Answer:
Hello again.
Sorry for the late response.

Have you ever met him? How often do you meet him?

Long distance relationships, that too in virtual world, are difficult to carry. Many times, this is just infatuation. More so, when he is already married, this could just be a passing affair.

What kind of talks do you have frequently?

Hope to hear from you soon.
Thanks.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Kampana
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 30 hours later
Hi dr
Usually we have same feelings that we like each other
I saw him once we met
But the problem is he is blocking me on whatsapp while he is with his family and after 4 hours he remove the block
And i act like nothing has happened
And if i want to tell him about splitting
He runaway from conversation he doesnt want me to talk
What i am thinking now
Is to block him as well
And forget about him
What do you think?
Or shall i send him a message by email
Ending the realation ship
I dont know really how to behave...
Awaying your kind help
Regards,
H
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 2 hours later
Brief Answer:
Message him to end it at once.

Detailed Answer:
Hello again.
This is clear that he is just having a passing affair with you. Otherwise he should not block you. He is trying to hide you from his family.
Have you ever tried doing the same to him? I mean blocking him fir sometime and then unblocking him? Try this and see his response.
Do you think, a guy who is not faithful to his earlier partner, would be faithful to you?

You should message him at once that you are ending this. Otherwise he will try to convince you everyone with his excuses that he loves you.

Hope this helps.
Thanks.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Vaishalee Punj
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 3 hours later
He unblocked me just now and asked my why i did not call him or message him:-)))
He thinks i am stupid
Anyhow i just answer him as f nothing happened and i did not see his block
But need your help in sending him a message
Would like to end it in a friendly good way
Need your help what to wrote him
Plz
Regards,
H
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 14 hours later
Brief Answer:
Be clear and polite

Detailed Answer:
Hello again dear.
I can understand your situation.

I would suggest you include following points in your message:
Accept about the caring attitude of him.
Thank him about being a good friend.
Mention that you find it hard to digest when he ignores/blocks you frequently.
Suggest him that you both should know your limits and he should maintain the faithfulness with his wife.
Also, write that you are not moving from him because you are angry about something, but just because you want to move on in your life with relationship in which you are the primary and only girl.

Hope he will understand this.
Feel free to ask further if you have more dilemmas.

All the best.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Kampana
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 9 hours later
Dear dr.
Can you please make me a resumed message:-))
I am always writing and it becomes big paragraph how can i say it briefly and short way... really sonsorry to bothering you.
Regards,
H
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 16 hours later
Brief Answer:
You can use the script as suggested.

Detailed Answer:
Hello dear.
Can you please post your message here what you have written? I will suggest the changes in it.
I suggest you the following script. You can paraphrase it if you want:
"Dear Mr. ABC, I understand that you have been a great friend, caring and loving always..But when you block me from your contacts just to hide my messages from your partner, I feel ignored. I think this is just a passing affair between both. So, it's better for you and your family that you be faithful to them. Not that I am angry from you, but I feel we are not heading in the right direction. So, I feel that it's the right time that we stop contacting each other and should move on. Hope you understand this."

You can use this script. Or if you have written a better one, please post it here and I can suggest changes in it.

Thanks.

Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Kampana
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 2 days later
Hi dr.
Message will be like that plz tell me if we can resume more or add anything more:
Dear X
I know that i am living in a world of love and wonders and thought my self very strong but in reality i found that i am very weak and knowing well that you are not mine and there is no future for our relation ship
My heart can not accept having someone else sharing you with me and you’ll never be mine
I thank you for every beautiful moments you let me feel safe and protected.
Forgive i can’t go on
( shall i say : i prefer to forget you and oneday hope will meet a man like you but he is only mine...) or no need :D
Thank you
H
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 12 minutes later
Brief Answer:
Message is fine.

Detailed Answer:
Hello again.
I think there is no need of last line. Everything else is fine. You can send this message to him.

All the best.
Do let me know his reply. Also, I wil be happy to help if you need it in future.

Regards.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Yogesh D
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 27 minutes later
Hi dr.
When i have to send it to him??
Btw i am feeling so bad
No need to anawer his phone calls after sending it?
Or shall i act normal
Since know i an really feeling bad:-(
Nb: no need to open for him the block matter that he used to block me sometime to hide me
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 2 hours later
Brief Answer:
Send the message now.

Detailed Answer:
Hello
You can send the message even now. There is no reason to wait. Please don't feel bad. This had to happen one day. You will be feeling normal with time.
If he calls you, you can simply convince him your feelings and decision for once. If he calls repeatedly, then there is no need to answer every call, I feel so. Otherwise he will repeatedly try to persuade you to continue the relationship.
In my opinion, you should tell him about the blocking matter so that you can make him feel that you felt bad when he blocked you.

Try to stay strong.
Wish you good luck.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Kampana
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 3 days later
Hi dr.
I did not send the message until now
I did some changes to it can u coreect it for me or tell me if it is good:
Dear X
I know that i am living in a world of love and wonders and thought my self very strong but in reality i found that i am very weak and knowing well that you are not mine and there is no future for our relation ship
My heart can not accept having someone else sharing you with me and you’ll never be mine
** I don’t want you to hide me becoz of shame and i don’t want to make any problems to you

I thank you for every beautiful moments you let me feel safe and protected.
* i am so so sorry
Forgive i can’t go on
I love you
Good bye

Hey dr. Is that ok
Actually i was feeling bery bad:-(((
Really need ur help dr.
Thank u
H
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 1 hour later
Brief Answer:
Send him the message

Detailed Answer:
Hello again.
Good to hear from you.
Dear,
I understand that it is a tough task for you. It is not that simple especially when you are so attached to him.
But, sooner or later, this had to happen. You have to separate some day. The more you will delay this, the more attached you will be.

The script which you have written is okay. Further response will depend on how he replies back.

So, be strong and go ahead.
I am here to guide and help you in all possible ways.

All the best.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Nagamani Ng
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 5 hours later
Hi dear ,
He blocked me today as well,
I am waiting after sometime he will unblock me
Then i will send him the message
Can you stay with me until i send it
And if he replies me or call me back
Can i no respond his call
Coz i really don’t feel i want to answer him
What do you think the right time to answer him back?
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 32 minutes later
Brief Answer:
Message him when he unblocks you.

Detailed Answer:
Hi again dear.
Yes you can send him the message as soon as he unblocks you.
I am here to help you till you feel comfortable and out of it. You can message me anytime.
If he calls back, don't attend his call. Then block him for some time. Let him also feel this feeling of being blocked.
Answer his call only next day and not at the same time.

Message me if you need any help.
All the best.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Prasad
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 1 hour later
Hi dr.
I feel not good to block him back.... since iam feeling more mature to do it
I can just ignore...
What do you think??
I am afraid that he will keep blocking me the whole coming days and i can not send him any messages :-Dd
:-) i am kidding
Hipefully once he will unblock will send it directly and i will let u know...
Regards,
H
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 2 minutes later
Brief Answer:
Your choice.

Detailed Answer:
To block or not to block him, that is up to you. If you can control your feelings an urges to answer his call for sometime, you need not block him then.

I will be waiting for your next message.
Thanks.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Prasad
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 1 hour later
Dr dr please help me
He unblocks me and send me voices that why i am. Not asking about him and replying him...
And he calls 3 times and i did not answer him... i send the message directly...
And he calls me many many times but i did not answer he sent also viice messages that i did not hear it yet...
now it is my time to sleep, shall i open voices on the second day!!!?!
Awaiting ur reply
H
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 5 hours later
Brief Answer:
Don't answer his call now

Detailed Answer:
Dear,

Please do not answer to any of his messages and take a good night's sleep.
Take his call in the morning.
Be strong with your decision.

Don't worry. everything will be fine.
Take care.


Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Arnab Banerjee
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 6 minutes later
Hey dr
I can not sleep
I heard his voice messages
He was telling me to anawer him to clarify more and that i can not enter his life quickly and stop it quickly and that he was in the hospital and that blaming me that i did not even answer his calls to ask abt him and he promise to not bother me
I am feeling so upset and guilty
Thinking to send him now a voice message askong him if he is fine becoz of the hospital plz advise me quickly
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 1 hour later
Brief Answer:
Just ask about his health in hospital.

Detailed Answer:
Hey,
Yes, it is a tough situation.
If he is in some problem, you can ask about his health. No problem in that. But keep yourself limited to asking about his health only. Don't give clarification about your decision at this time. Just ask him that when he will recover, you will talk to him about this issue then.
There us nothing to be guilty about. Thus us just a phase and it will pass.
Hope to hear from you soon.
thanks
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Yogesh D
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 1 hour later
Hi,
I just sebf him asking abt his health if he is ok and to god protect him...
I did not open any subject of our siruation to talk about...
Would you think he will recall me back,???
I am really feeling so bad couldnt sleep and i am vomitting
Tell me what to do next??!
Shall i call him if he did not call
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 1 hour later
Brief Answer:
Try to stay calm.

Detailed Answer:
Hello
He will definitely call you back, may be in a day or two or will message you.
Please stay strong. Donot compromise on your health. Eat well. Take good amount of fluids. Just try to stay calm.

Wait for his message or call.
Take care.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 38 minutes later
How do you know that he will call?
I mean why not he will call today?
Does he know that i am in deep pain or no?!
Does he know that he is hurting me with his blocks?!
And he was telling yesterday to please answer him many times but i did not reply...i am adraid he will not call at all
Please advise btw iam sleepless
H
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 8 minutes later
Brief Answer:
Do not wait for the call.

Detailed Answer:
From my experience, I feel he will call. As soon as his health allows, he will give you a call.
He might not be knowing that he has hurt you when he repeatedly blocks you because you have never told him about your feelings.

And Dear, please do not be afraid about whether he will call you or not. The more eagerly you will wait for his call, the weaker you will become in your decision of quitting this relationship. You have taken a bold step in your life. Initial few days might be difficult but then you will slowly forget him and will be used to it.

Try to relax, take deep and slow breaths. Engage yourself in your work which you do normally.

Stay strong.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 19 minutes later
But i feel his health is ok
He just say it to let me ask abt him
And does he know that i am in pain after sending him this message?? He have to know that i really loved me and i am so sensitive...
He knows that??!
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 12 minutes later
Brief Answer:
Donot expect anything from him.

Detailed Answer:
If his health is ok, why he lied to you then?
Please understand that love is selfless. It does not demand anything. You are a pure heart as you loved him with all dedication and devotion. You were true on your part.
Now, when you have realized that you should not continue further with this relationship, you should not bother about what he thinks about you. This will help you to move ahead.
The more you will keep waiting for his message and call, the more anxious and desperate you will become.

This pain of ending this relationship will be temporary and as the time will pass, you will become normal.

Stay calm.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Vaishalee Punj
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 47 hours later
Hi morning dr.
He called me second day and he told me plz forget the message that u’ve sent to me since i am used to you everyday and i am running after you asking you where are you and what are you doing ... you really hurt me yesterday ... then ive tolda him about how he hurt me with the block and i can not accept that he is married and i am getting more hurt everyday
He told me no no ( he tried to convince me that all is well but to not leave him that way) then i told him what if you will leave me one day that way??!!
He answered me no no no dont think that way and dont right me such messages and thank you for being in my life...
what to do now dr.
:-) actually i di’on’t know my self what i want from this life
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 1 hour later
Brief Answer:
Try to avoid further conversations with him

Detailed Answer:
Hello again.
As expected, he called you and tried to convince. But what I can judge is, he did not have a satisfactory answer to your question about leaving you one day.

In my opinion, you should now try to restrict yourself when it comes to replying to this messages. If you are unable to sometime control your feelings, even then, do not involve yourself in long chats with him. Just give shortest possible replies.

Stay focussed on the idea that there is no future of your relationship with him. And pay attention to your other spheres of life.
All the best.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Nagamani Ng
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 21 minutes later
Hi dr
Can not call u by phone ??and pay u in advance
Coz want to ask you something can not write it..
Anyhow i am still chatting wz him like as if bothing happened... but i think that he felt that i am hurted and he is trying to convinve me that he shld be next to me
But wanted tonask you more questions...
I am really lost
Awaiting your kind reply
Thanks
H
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 2 hours later
Brief Answer:
Be short in your conversations with him.

Detailed Answer:
Hello again dear.
Sorry for the late reply.
You can request healthcare magic's customer care, if they can provide you my email and contact details. Otherwise, this platform does not directly allow us to send out details.
However, if possible for you, you can ask as many questions as you want. I will try to reply as early as possible.
But, please try to be as short as possible in your conversations with him.

Hope to hear from you soon.
Thanks.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Vaishalee Punj
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 22 hours later
Hi Dr.,
I replied to customer care asking them to provide me with your email or contact number,
hope they will get a quick answer
I am feeling bad here...
anyhow we're just talking normally like good morning and good nights take care...ect...
but I am feeling very sad, coz I felt that I hurted him with my message...and it was my decision to go into that relation ship.anyhow would like to talk and explain more.
I am at work now, will try to concentrate,pray for me..
Regards,
H
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 2 minutes later
Brief Answer:
Stay happy

Detailed Answer:
Good to hear from you again.
I will definitely pray that you stay happy, whatever the circumstances are.
Please donot blame yourself or feel bad for anything. You have not done anything wrong.
Be assured that whenever you need my help, I will be there to guide you.
Try and focus on your work.
All the best.

Hope to hear from you soon.
Take care.

Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Kampana
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 21 minutes later
dr.
do you think that he is thinking that I am strong girl or weak,
he is hurted or no, because I ma feeling relation is getting too cold.
any how I don't; like to be a problem maker or to handle pain of others.
good day
H
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 5 minutes later
Brief Answer:
You are not creating problem for anybody.

Detailed Answer:
I think he might not be as badly hurt as you are feeling.
Can't say what he is thinking about you, as weak or strong, but I feel you are a strong girl.
You are not creating problems for anybody. Rather you are taking a step to make your life simpler, to avoid complications which could later our due to this relationship.

Stay confident.
Anyways, what work do you do?
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Kampana
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 55 minutes later
I work as PA to a board member in cars company in Gulf,
I am living alone since 11 years :-(
wanted to tell u also in our religion it is allowed for a men to have 4 wives (u know muslim rules ) but not everyone is doing it...
and also me I can not imagine my self in such situation.
anyhow..he is living in another country.
regards,
H

doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 31 minutes later
Brief Answer:
Thanks for sharing

Detailed Answer:
Ok.
He is living in which country? Does he belong to another religion?.
I understand you can not imagine your position to be shared by anyone.
Hope he understands this too.

Regards.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Kampana
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 7 minutes later
Hi dr.
I dont know if it is ok to tell you here where he lives i prefer to be more confidential but we are from same religion
How can i get in touch wz u
Regards,
Houda
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 6 minutes later
Brief Answer:
This is a confidential talk.

Detailed Answer:
Dear Houda,
This a confidential talk. No personal details are shared with anyone.
You can check my profile at HCM.
Did you connect to him through some social networking site? I understand that through social networking sites, you tend to find and connect to many people. Did you find him online through social network site?

I hope HCM customer care will answer to your request.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Kampana
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Shubham Mehta 41 hours later
HI dr
When i can talk ti u urgenlty
They gave me ur contact details
Feeling so bad:-((
doctor
Answered by Dr. Shubham Mehta 32 minutes later
Brief Answer:
Mail me directly

Detailed Answer:
Hello,
You can directly message me on my number or email me. I will message or mail you mail as soon as I get free..may be in next half hour.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Thanks.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Kampana
doctor
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