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How to overcome personality disorder ?

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General & Family Physician
Practicing since : 2009
Answered : 299 Questions
My girlfriend has Borderline personality disorder. We have been together for 2 years living together for most of that time. Around the end of feb she told me she wanted to get married and was trying to just do a quick thing. Less then 3 weeks later she tells me she is not happy in our relationship. 4 Days after that i found her talking to someone else. I was heartbroken but it wasnt anything sexual. I was off of work for close to the last month I quit my job early b4 my new job started so we could work on alot of stuff. I started to find myself jealous of her cell phone. Always attached to it. I found out she was talking to him again. I love her so much and wanna work this out. She has 2 kids they have become like they are my own. She tells me she wants to be with me. She see her future with me but says she has to figure stuff out. Im so confused as u might be able to tell by how this message is going all over the place. Doctor please help me get a clue
Posted Sun, 22 Apr 2012 in Schizophrenia
Answered by Dr. Vidya Muralidhar 1 hour later
Hi Ian,

Thanks for your query.

I totally understand your problems regarding your relationship.These problems are quite common in any relationship and you are not facing anything unusual.

Ideally a couple should discuss all issues such as money, sex and kids before they decide to start their life together.However, even after discussing all these issues, marriage may not be the way you think its going to be.

Here are a few problem solving strategies, the most important thing is to establish a good communication between the both of you

1.MAKE TIME: Yes , even if it means an appointment to see each other, if you live together, make sure when you find time, you put the cell phones off, kids to sleep and pack all other worries.Discuss about each other, your likes and dislikes.
Make sure both of you listen to each other, if make note of your problems and ask your partner to read them.

2.SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY: Most of the couple look for new partners when they feel that their sexual life is not going good.If there is any such issue with the both of you, I suggest to take time, go out for a vacation, re kindle the chemistry. This would surely help her in finding the same comfort that she found in you 2 years back.

3. FINANCIAL ISSUES: Be open to discuss al the matters about money,be honest with each other and make the right plans for future. If this is an issue with her, it could be one of the reasons as to why she needs more time to think about your relationship.

4.Trust: Trust is an essential part of every relationship. Tell her that you feel insecure when she talks to someone else over phone.Do not be jealous or over possessive.The more you react in a hasty way, the more she will distance herself from you. Instead give it time,don't dig up old wounds,respect her boundaries.
Use humor : learn to let things go and enjoy one another more, be willing to work on your relationship and to truly look at what needs to be done. Don't think that it will be better with someone else; the same problems you have in this relationship because of lack of skills will still exist.

Since you say your girlfriend also has borderline personality, this could be contributory to the delay in her taking any concrete decision. Do not be perturbed. I suggest you to be caring towards her and understand her problems as well. The most important thing is to "express" what you feel about her. I am sure she will understand and come with a decision.

Meanwhile I suggest you to think positively, there is nothing to be so heartbroken about. Love yourself, take time for yourself too. Do things which you love to do. Keep yourself engaged as much as possible. Reading books , adventure sports,hobbies , making new friends could ease your worries.
Give this a try and give it a couple of months. I am sure things will be positive soon between the two of you.

I hope this helps, I am available for follow ups as well.

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