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Anxiety due to selection of brother by good feedback from close friend working in the company. Should I accept this?

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Since few weeks, I am facing a sort of ethical dilemma which is making me think over and over again and sometimes also XXXXXXX up a bout of anxiety as I am not able to decide what to do. I remember you saying that we can chat over email or in person and I think your advice will be really helpful. I am explaining my situation below and we can also discuss this in person as well whichever way you feel will be appropriate.

My brother applied for this company where one of my close friend is an employee. One day, my friend contacted me saying that he is part of the interview panel which will interview my brother. He said he will take one iview and will clear him and might ask one other friend of him to do the same but still the candidate will have to clear 2-3 other iviews by himself. Initially, I said ok but then I thought over this and next day, contacted him and told him not to do anything and let him go like a normal candidate. Then he asked me to forget about this and said he will do what he thinks is fine. I talked to my borther and he also said to tell my friend to not do anything. Then I again talked to my friend after one day and asked him not to do anything. He said ok, he won't do anything. But during iviews, he took one of my brother's iviews and his feedback was important in my brother getting the job.

After the iviews, I got a call from my friend that my brother is selected for the job. But also mentioned that he won't have got the offer with the normal way but my friend advocated his case and he also really felt that my brother is good for the job. During iview panel meeting, he discussed how he found the candidate really good and advocated his selection. Hiring manager also took one of my brother's iviews himself and was still thinking on the decision. But after seeing the strong feedback from my friend, another strong one from one other iviewer and his own iview which was on the borderline but still +ve I think, iview panel decided to offer him job.

Since then, I have thought over this many times and am not able to conclude or decide whats the right thing to do for me. After analyzing, I feel that the only doubtful thing which happened was that my friend took my brother's iview. Also from his point of view on the basis of what he told me, he says that he selected the candidate because he felt he is really good.

Current situation is, my brother has joined the job and is working. Now this thought keep arising that what did I do wrong or did I do anything wrong at all or Is there anything I can do now to correct this?

I asked few of my close friends and they say its fine and I should accept this. I did my part in telling him not to do anything and he did the thing which he felt right. One set of my friend says that may be my friend might not have done the correct thing by taking part in my brother's iview and someone else might have taken the iview and that would have given fair chance to my brother to prove himself. But even then, I should accept this and move on. One set of friends says that he did what he felt right and gave my brother a second chance may be by bending a little and that's it. There were so many other people involved in the iview process and its not just my friend who made him through by any means.

From my end, the only thing I can say for sure that ideal thing would have been to tell the employer about what happened, which is that friend took the iview but selected because he felt the candidate is good. But this will be bad for everyone and company also agrees their employees. The only loose end I see is that there is this fact which is hidden from the company and will stay hidden though its not hurting anybody but I am not able to get past it. What is your opinion?
Posted Fri, 6 Jul 2012 in Mental Health
Answered by Dr. Susanta Padhy 4 hours later

Thanks for the query

What is to be done or not is entirely your's and your brother's combined decision.

However, psychologically speaking, being moralistic is healthy, but becoming too moralistic may not be psychologically healthy (I won’t say right or wrong, because psychologically nothing is right or wrong and everything is right or wrong).

How do you know that weather you are too moralistic or normally moralistic? Ask yourself a question that do most people of your sociocultural and educational background would have responded to such a situation in such a manner. I f the answer is yes, it is psychologically normal; otherwise it may not be healthy.

One philosophy of life is you may not help others but you may not harm others. Definition of help/harm is yours not anybody else's.

In Hindu Mythology, too, Lord XXXXXXX himself has done too many things which might be questionable, but it was perhaps appropriate at that time.

Hope this addresses your query

I am available for further discussion

Wish you peace
Above answer was peer-reviewed by
Follow-up: Anxiety due to selection of brother by good feedback from close friend working in the company. Should I accept this? 5 hours later
But won't always doing what you want to do or doing what you think you should do can be even more dangerous? Don't we need to apply logic or discuss with others to actually see if what we are thinking is right or not?

And in this case, everyone knows everything. And do I need to do something more than this? To whom I am more obligated, Friend/Brother or Company to which I am not even associated to? Do I need to correct anything when everyone thinks they did what they were supposed to do? Interviewers did what they think they need to do and Company trusts interviewers. Based on the criteria of psychologically unhealthy, it seems that what I am thinking is psychologically unhealthy as everyone have told me their opinion and asked me to move on and no need to do anything.
Answered by Dr. Susanta Padhy 8 hours later
Thanks Mr. XXXXXXX for the follow up.

Answer to your first Para is "not necessarily". Life (work or profession is a part of life) is a balanced blend of logic, emotion, moral, reality, wish. Proportion of these components of balanced blend varies from time to time even in the same individual across life span.

When you say everyone knows everything, then what more you can make know. Perhaps you cannot do anything more than mere let them knowing. Can you ask your brother to leave the job? Can you terminate friendship with your friend? Can your brother or friend tolerate or excuse your action if company take some negative steps after letting company know the details? Moreover, time or performance of your brother in company in due course might address your question of loyalty to company.

Sometimes stretching a thread too much makes the thread break.

When someone cannot decide for himself, let other close well wishers, time decide, and God decide.

Wish your brother good luck and happiness to you.

I am available for further query.

Above answer was peer-reviewed by
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