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Question: I have been married for 9 years with two lovely kids, but past 2 years I have had been drawn towards couple of my colleagues looking for emotional comfort. This so called associations were initially giving me some happiness, but lately i have observed that i have grown more weak in terms on having control over my emotions. I have been a strong person all my life, but I break down on silly things quiet often. I have been advised to see a psychologist but so far I could not meet one.
Brief Answer:
Life is hard at times, Learn to avoid stressful situations.
Detailed Answer:
Hello Mrs XXXXXXX
Welcome to healthcaremagic.
I have gone through your details and understand things to some extent, it is not easy to fully understand such complex issues without further explanations and more details, but let us start working towards a solution.
First of all, I would like to congratulate you on making the effort to deal with the mental agony you might have been going through from so many days, it is not easy to discuss such personal matters.
You say that you were drawn to a couple of your colleagues because you needed emotional support/comfort, this leads me to ask you the obvious question, why were you distressed, and who or what was the source of your distress that made you feel the need for emotional support/comfort?
If you could explain what exactly happened that started all this, I will be able to suggest options to solve the root cause.
You also mention that you feel that you have grown weaker in terms of your control over your emotions, could you please elaborate exactly which emotions you are unable to control and why do you think you are growing weaker.
You have been a strong person, and let me tell you categorically, you are still a strong person, crying and feeling sad over things that can make you feel sad and cry is not a bad thing nor does it make you weak, so stop blaming yourself.
I am sure you will get over this and I am here to help you, so please do write back to me with details so that we can work towards improving things.
Take care,
Regards
Life is hard at times, Learn to avoid stressful situations.
Detailed Answer:
Hello Mrs XXXXXXX
Welcome to healthcaremagic.
I have gone through your details and understand things to some extent, it is not easy to fully understand such complex issues without further explanations and more details, but let us start working towards a solution.
First of all, I would like to congratulate you on making the effort to deal with the mental agony you might have been going through from so many days, it is not easy to discuss such personal matters.
You say that you were drawn to a couple of your colleagues because you needed emotional support/comfort, this leads me to ask you the obvious question, why were you distressed, and who or what was the source of your distress that made you feel the need for emotional support/comfort?
If you could explain what exactly happened that started all this, I will be able to suggest options to solve the root cause.
You also mention that you feel that you have grown weaker in terms of your control over your emotions, could you please elaborate exactly which emotions you are unable to control and why do you think you are growing weaker.
You have been a strong person, and let me tell you categorically, you are still a strong person, crying and feeling sad over things that can make you feel sad and cry is not a bad thing nor does it make you weak, so stop blaming yourself.
I am sure you will get over this and I am here to help you, so please do write back to me with details so that we can work towards improving things.
Take care,
Regards
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Yogesh D
Dear Doctor,
Please find the gist of the actual scenario:
1)If you could explain what exactly happened that started all this, I will be able to suggest options to solve the root cause.
My husband was working on a different time zone since the very first day of our marriage and I thought with time and probably kids would fill the required gap. But lately with so much of stress both at work and home front made me look for my partner to be around, with whom I can open my heart to. 8 long years adjusting the way it had been I guess both of us have adjusted it as a part of our lives. When I want my husband to have a discussion, he would instead watch his favorite serial and probably when he wants it I would look for an excuse. This has been the trend so far. When I was talking to one of the team member from my office I told my husband that I feel good talking to him and the reply comes from the other end that I am unable to spend time with you, but the limits needs to be defined by me as I have responsibilities.
On top of it I have had a strained relationship with my mother and siblings post my marriage and when I was actually looking for a comforting shoulder I landed up picking a stranger as a confidant.
I too have done a thorough introspection my situation closely and I guess its lack of communication and quality time as a couple that is missing in my life. We have never been on an outing together to enjoy what every couple must have had in their lives. In due course of time my husband has confided in his series and I opted on social networking. Though I feel like spending quality time with the kids and what a change in the perspective I had last couple of months. Easier said than done I am actually looking for a proper resolution how to start my life afresh.
2)You also mention that you feel that you have grown weaker in terms of your control over your emotions, could you please elaborate exactly which emotions you are unable to control and why do you think you are growing weaker.
I lost my father when I was 14 and since then I have been a strong pillar to my mother and family. I have accepted all the odds confidently no matter what. Initial years of my marriage too was difficult due to the professional commitments from our end and it was more or less resolved with the kids growing up. But off late the urge to look for a shoulder where in someone actually can comfort me and say that things will fall in place has become so predominant that instead of anything else I ended up talking to the colleague of mine which ended up on a very traumatic way, because where I was looking for some emotional comfort the other was looking for some physical closeness which was nowhere in my mind. I have had been struggling for quite some time with the emotional crunch as I do not have friends to share my views on life.
I have a straight question to ask to you and that is:
Am I a bipolar as my husband claims, because I react at times with fury or i just cry
or
Am I suffering from depression or some sort f mental disorder
or
Am I leading my life too seriously and am too hard on myself because am more worried about other and what they expect out of me.
Regards,
XXXX
Please find the gist of the actual scenario:
1)If you could explain what exactly happened that started all this, I will be able to suggest options to solve the root cause.
My husband was working on a different time zone since the very first day of our marriage and I thought with time and probably kids would fill the required gap. But lately with so much of stress both at work and home front made me look for my partner to be around, with whom I can open my heart to. 8 long years adjusting the way it had been I guess both of us have adjusted it as a part of our lives. When I want my husband to have a discussion, he would instead watch his favorite serial and probably when he wants it I would look for an excuse. This has been the trend so far. When I was talking to one of the team member from my office I told my husband that I feel good talking to him and the reply comes from the other end that I am unable to spend time with you, but the limits needs to be defined by me as I have responsibilities.
On top of it I have had a strained relationship with my mother and siblings post my marriage and when I was actually looking for a comforting shoulder I landed up picking a stranger as a confidant.
I too have done a thorough introspection my situation closely and I guess its lack of communication and quality time as a couple that is missing in my life. We have never been on an outing together to enjoy what every couple must have had in their lives. In due course of time my husband has confided in his series and I opted on social networking. Though I feel like spending quality time with the kids and what a change in the perspective I had last couple of months. Easier said than done I am actually looking for a proper resolution how to start my life afresh.
2)You also mention that you feel that you have grown weaker in terms of your control over your emotions, could you please elaborate exactly which emotions you are unable to control and why do you think you are growing weaker.
I lost my father when I was 14 and since then I have been a strong pillar to my mother and family. I have accepted all the odds confidently no matter what. Initial years of my marriage too was difficult due to the professional commitments from our end and it was more or less resolved with the kids growing up. But off late the urge to look for a shoulder where in someone actually can comfort me and say that things will fall in place has become so predominant that instead of anything else I ended up talking to the colleague of mine which ended up on a very traumatic way, because where I was looking for some emotional comfort the other was looking for some physical closeness which was nowhere in my mind. I have had been struggling for quite some time with the emotional crunch as I do not have friends to share my views on life.
I have a straight question to ask to you and that is:
Am I a bipolar as my husband claims, because I react at times with fury or i just cry
or
Am I suffering from depression or some sort f mental disorder
or
Am I leading my life too seriously and am too hard on myself because am more worried about other and what they expect out of me.
Regards,
XXXX
Brief Answer:
Go easy on yourself, don't blame yourself for everything.
Detailed Answer:
Hello XXXXXXX
It's good to hear back from you.
We grow up in a society that conditions us and expects us to live a certain way and we do indeed end up falling prey to these social strictures and conditioning.
To be honest, you are a very strong person, there is no doubt about that in me after reading through your story.
I will first answer your direct questions.
No, You are not bipolar, you have had enough of pretension, you are exasperated because of the lack of love and a person who listens to you. That frustration will eventually pour out, it is quite normal to feel anger when you have never been able to say what you wish to say for 8 years.
You don't sound like a person suffering from depression, you long to live a happy and fulfilling life, you wish to enjoy what life has to offer, that is not how a depressed person thinks or feels.
Yes, you are leading your life too seriously, and yes you are too hard on yourself.
Now let me try to explain a few things about life, social conditioning I mentioned earlier and etc.,
Now you are in a situation where it is pertinent to ask the very fundamental question about marriage and life worth living, what purpose does a marriage serve, why do human beings get married?
Ask yourself these questions, the search for answers to these questions in itself is a journey, a journey worth undertaking because through this journey you will discover your true self that you lost as you grew up within the strictures of the society.
I must warn you about two important things that will appear to provide answers to these questions.
1. Religious gurus
2. Religion itself.
Please beware of these two, because all they provide are false consolations and false promises.
The search is your's and your's alone.
I would suggest to start the search with understanding biology.... particularly evolutionary psychology (I am discussing these with you because of your intelligence and education).
I will quote a paragraph from a wonderful book called "Unweaving The Rainbow"
“We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred?”
These are the opening lines of that book by Prof. XXXXXXX Dawkins, summarises in one sentence why we should live a life the way we wish to live.
As for the communication gap between your husband and yourself, I would suggest you to write a letter/mail to him and tell him everything that you ever wished to tell him. Get him to talk to you and tell him that money is not everything and sex is not love.
If your husband can understand how deeply you think and how his silence affects you, probably he might change.
It is not abnormal or essentially a bad thing to look for some emotional support and comforting words elsewhere when you are not getting any at home.
Society conditions us to sanctify the institution of marriage, though it has its advantages, it also binds us, that is the nature of any social institution.
I could have suggested a marriage counselor, and it may work in your case too, but they are not capable of understanding complex and very sensitive issues such as yours.
You need to make some tough choices in the coming days, I will discuss about those at a later date as and when the time comes, for now, I would like you to talk to a psychologist and let out your anger and frustration. Do not shore it up till the dam breaks.
You can count on me to be available to listen to your story, I hope for now this will help you relax a little bit.
Please do tell me if you wish anything to be clarified further (I don't think I will need to do that).
I wish you a goodnight, you can still be happy, so stop worrying too much.
Warm regards
Go easy on yourself, don't blame yourself for everything.
Detailed Answer:
Hello XXXXXXX
It's good to hear back from you.
We grow up in a society that conditions us and expects us to live a certain way and we do indeed end up falling prey to these social strictures and conditioning.
To be honest, you are a very strong person, there is no doubt about that in me after reading through your story.
I will first answer your direct questions.
No, You are not bipolar, you have had enough of pretension, you are exasperated because of the lack of love and a person who listens to you. That frustration will eventually pour out, it is quite normal to feel anger when you have never been able to say what you wish to say for 8 years.
You don't sound like a person suffering from depression, you long to live a happy and fulfilling life, you wish to enjoy what life has to offer, that is not how a depressed person thinks or feels.
Yes, you are leading your life too seriously, and yes you are too hard on yourself.
Now let me try to explain a few things about life, social conditioning I mentioned earlier and etc.,
Now you are in a situation where it is pertinent to ask the very fundamental question about marriage and life worth living, what purpose does a marriage serve, why do human beings get married?
Ask yourself these questions, the search for answers to these questions in itself is a journey, a journey worth undertaking because through this journey you will discover your true self that you lost as you grew up within the strictures of the society.
I must warn you about two important things that will appear to provide answers to these questions.
1. Religious gurus
2. Religion itself.
Please beware of these two, because all they provide are false consolations and false promises.
The search is your's and your's alone.
I would suggest to start the search with understanding biology.... particularly evolutionary psychology (I am discussing these with you because of your intelligence and education).
I will quote a paragraph from a wonderful book called "Unweaving The Rainbow"
“We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred?”
These are the opening lines of that book by Prof. XXXXXXX Dawkins, summarises in one sentence why we should live a life the way we wish to live.
As for the communication gap between your husband and yourself, I would suggest you to write a letter/mail to him and tell him everything that you ever wished to tell him. Get him to talk to you and tell him that money is not everything and sex is not love.
If your husband can understand how deeply you think and how his silence affects you, probably he might change.
It is not abnormal or essentially a bad thing to look for some emotional support and comforting words elsewhere when you are not getting any at home.
Society conditions us to sanctify the institution of marriage, though it has its advantages, it also binds us, that is the nature of any social institution.
I could have suggested a marriage counselor, and it may work in your case too, but they are not capable of understanding complex and very sensitive issues such as yours.
You need to make some tough choices in the coming days, I will discuss about those at a later date as and when the time comes, for now, I would like you to talk to a psychologist and let out your anger and frustration. Do not shore it up till the dam breaks.
You can count on me to be available to listen to your story, I hope for now this will help you relax a little bit.
Please do tell me if you wish anything to be clarified further (I don't think I will need to do that).
I wish you a goodnight, you can still be happy, so stop worrying too much.
Warm regards
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Yogesh D
Thank you so much doctor for understanding my state so well. I would see a counsellor soon and anyone you would like to suggest.
Have a great day :)
Have a great day :)
Brief Answer:
You are most welcome, customer care team will help you find a counselor.
Detailed Answer:
Hi again XXXXXXX
Thank you for the appreciation, and you are most welcome.
Please do consult a counselor and vent it all out, this will certainly help you.
You can get in touch with our customer care team and request them for an appointment with a counselor in your area (If that option is available to you through your dashboard). I am sorry to disappoint you, I do not know of any counselor personally, otherwise I would have given you the contact details.
Stay strong, you can find happiness in little things, the very fact that you can think deeply about the most fundamental questions means that you are quite capable of finding answers, so stop worrying and immerse yourself in reading, this will help you understand the meaning of life. (For me, the meaning in my life is what I make of it, there is no external source for it nor is there a divine sanction).
I wish you all the best and I will be available if and when you need my help.
Warm regards.
You are most welcome, customer care team will help you find a counselor.
Detailed Answer:
Hi again XXXXXXX
Thank you for the appreciation, and you are most welcome.
Please do consult a counselor and vent it all out, this will certainly help you.
You can get in touch with our customer care team and request them for an appointment with a counselor in your area (If that option is available to you through your dashboard). I am sorry to disappoint you, I do not know of any counselor personally, otherwise I would have given you the contact details.
Stay strong, you can find happiness in little things, the very fact that you can think deeply about the most fundamental questions means that you are quite capable of finding answers, so stop worrying and immerse yourself in reading, this will help you understand the meaning of life. (For me, the meaning in my life is what I make of it, there is no external source for it nor is there a divine sanction).
I wish you all the best and I will be available if and when you need my help.
Warm regards.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Yogesh D
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