Question: iDr Seikhoo Bishnoi, I forgot to ask how I can reduce the stress of my situation. its not just XXXXXXX and the holiday but the financial and physical problmes i have. I have myofascial syndrome due to the scar tissue in my leg due to the bad break and no transportation.Yet I cannot walk far without a lot of pain that keeps me awake. I cannot sleep no matter what I take and I am not sure if my friend is going to kick me out of here and I will be homeless again. I owe so much money and am overwhelmed by all of this stuff. I cannot sleep even with the medicines I am taking. Is there anything else I can do to help myself? I an afraid if they find out I was in the psychiatric hospital before I was supposed to fly out to Israel I won't get the ticket money back..I really don't have much in life to look forward to anymore. XXXXXXX obviously is not getting better and my situation is getting worse finanically physically and emotionally. I don't know what to do anymore to pay my credit card debt down and if I don't get to go to Israel there is nothing left for me to do..I also worry about XXXXXXX .he is almost 26 and has barely started his schooling..I am worried about him too. Help..

I am trying to stop thinking of XXXXXXX by finding out if I can go to Israel and go to school to be a rabbi. I made up with XXXXXXX and that part is good again..I just have trouble wondering why XXXXXXX did what he did if he truly loved me which I believe he once did very much. If we can make it to Israel I will feel a lot better but I am running into problems trying to get my refund back for my tickets They want to know all my psychiatric history which had very little if anything to do with why I didn't get to fly out of the US. I was in the hospital fo my heart problems which just started then not before then. So I am trying to sort out that whole mess as well as my finanicial problems. Thank you for listening..the stress is really hard from the financial problems I have and I want so badly to go to Israel almost as much as I want XXXXXXX back but don't know how to gather enough money to go to Israel if I can't get the refund back. Its proving to be quite a problme but we don't want to stay in the US. I can't prove that I am Jewish from my grandmother's birth certificate. I don't want to convert because I love Jesus and they don't so it is hard....I sure wish that XXXXXXX would come back. If we got married then I would be considered Jewish and there wouldn't be a problem with proving I am Jewish...without him it doesn't look possible...
tonight on the way home from dropping me off home from temple, XXXXXXX saw a police car stopped in front of michael's store..if there were ever a time when he is going to go berserk it could be tonight or this week...he hates the Christmas rush and two years ago was almost in a panic crying and telling me to not feel anything for him that he had to go home.. XXXXXXX called him twenty minutes later and he was having a major panic attack and that is before the voice were starting to talk to him.. XXXXXXX had the uncanny feeling that ht was going to hurt someone this week or maybe tonight and XXXXXXX has really good gut feelings....I am glad we are no longer living in the same place. XXXXXXX is afraid he might come to that house and start banging on our old apartment door again just a gut feeling but it all starts tonight and goes for the next two three weeks...if he is seriously hearing voices he is not going to be able to handle it..we are afraid he is going to hurt someone..there was just another mass murder here in the states the other day where terrorists shot and killed fifteen disabled peopld and kept yelling ALLAH AKBAR they know that this is the CHristmas and CHannukah season for christians and Jews and XXXXXXX is losing it though I don't think he owns a gun...he still could kill with his bare hands however....he just may end up in the hospital..I am unraveling a bit with sadness so i can't even imagine what is going on inside of him plus no one who is around him cares for him except his step son who is in danger if XXXXXXX loses it..I keep praying for him to get help before he hurts or kills someone....I will be glad when the holidays are over with..I don't have to go out tomorrow night when he will be at his store if he isn't in a straight jacket by then and he doesn't know where I live anymore but he could bang on the door of my old apartment after which I hope the police take him to the hospital..just some thoughts XXXXXXX had...

I am doing things like going to a different churches as well as the temple and trying to not be so sad bit sometimes the sadness and feelings of loss are just so overwhelming. I miss what XXXXXXX and I had and that bad woman jusst led him away from me and from God. His wife while she was alive told him to stay away from the bad woman but he asked for her advice and I know she helped him file the injunction against me...I am feeling like the sadness will never go away...I don't know for sure if he got into trouble with the police but XXXXXXX was feeling very strongly that something is going on with XXXXXXX He cannot handle his store anymore especially at Christmas time with all of the crowds and customers. He disconnected his home phone and all it says om it is that there is no more information about that number something that never is said about other disconnected phone numbers. He might be thinking of reconnecting it again I don't know..I just know that he was always suspcious about everything and everybody and never thought that he would feel that way about me. I don't think he is in contact with anyone anymore and has become very reclusive....I try to live every day distracting myself but at this time of year we had become so close and were with each other every day all day long into the night and though there was never anything sexual between us as I don't believe in that outside of marriage I felt more married to him than I ever did either of my two husbnads one who died and the other is remarried...I miss him so much that it is hard to live and do much of anything although somehow I am going thorugh the motions not getting close to anyone except XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX .but XXXXXXX is hurt about XXXXXXX too and is afraid of him of what he might do like try to go to our old apartment and start banging on the door...I am glad that he doesn't know where I am anymore even though I still love him..it is hard to feel both of these feelings for him at the same time both fear and love and sadness....I am trying my best but I just don't seem to be getting over him...I don't know that I ever will.
I have been feeling like i want to die again by taking a whole bottle of tylenol. No one seems to be able to help me through these stuck feelings I have for XXXXXXX .i can't keep up the activities that help to distract me anymore..all I want is XXXXXXX back in my life and XXXXXXX XXXXXXX won't come back if I talk about XXXXXXX and I can't process the grief I have for XXXXXXX and the loss of his companionship..i am stuck here in this despair and pain...his phone that he disconnected earlier this year says that no new info is available on this number which is strange..I want to take the whole bottle of tylenol so badly. I am going to buy some tomorrow as it would be really easy to die from that and no one will be here anyway so I might just as well do it..the only reason it didn't kill me the last time was because XXXXXXX was here but he is not here anymore...I feel like XXXXXXX just tossed me and my love for him on the rubbish heap and left me to rot there which I have been doing... I want to die...so very very badly I want to just die..

i am trying dr bishnoi but the pain just never goes away....I want it all to end and end soon.....it just drags on day after day, week after week year after year and no XXXXXXX .it has caused a crisis of faith and I am so consumed by pain and raw grief that I can barely make it through a day... XXXXXXX still believes that God will bring him back..i don't see that happening..i don't want anyone else..he was my partner friend and confidante and if I took the whole bottle of tylenol XXXXXXX won't be here to rescue me so called...feeling this way is illegal in Srizona something i have always thought was truly crazy...I am getting to the point where I don't care anymore about anything...just trying to stay out of the hospital and jail until i can end it all..I can't cope with the pain of it anymore and there is no counseling for me...i make too much to get free counseling and too little to pay for any counseling at all...so there I am...I am not interested in anything again and apathy is once again setting in only this time the only person i am telling is you....I don't understand that if he loved me why he threw me away...I will never understand it so the only thing left is that he doesn't love me at all and I cannot handle that....I am running out of ways to distract myself..nothing is working anymore..

I don't care. I don't want to live anymore. I am tried of doing empty mindless things over and over with no positive things in my life at all. Somehow I have to keep people away from me so I can just keep overtaking drugs. that way I won't be in such pain. I hate living..all it is for me is one day blending in the next wilh loneliness and pain. I wish it was Saturday night and I had taken the whole bottle of olanepine instead of just half of it...then I wouldn't be here anynore

Dear Dr B. I took about ten olanzapine yesterday morning. I feel so bad and sad at times I can[t live with the sadess and the pills help me not to hurt so much inside. I am at Pat's Migun Center again today but was really out of it on Sunday...I am suffering so much with this loss of XXXXXXX and of XXXXXXX XXXXXXX coming back might really help and I pray that he will be allowed to come back to live with me soon..when he is with me I do much better. I also am praying that I can get some counseling as I have not been able to afford it since XXXXXXX left to get married.

I wish something good would happen to me like XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX both coming back to me in my life..I am suffering so much with this pain of loss that it is almost impossible to get through the days...I hate the holidays and wish they were over with and that I could just find a way to end everything..

How can I get over the pain of this relationship Dr B? I am not in counseling as I cannot afford it and it looks as though XXXXXXX is never going to com back to me so my reason for living is pretty much gone...I do hope XXXXXXX comes back though the pain of loss of XXXXXXX never goes away and sometimes to strong and heavy om me that I cannot halp wanting to die...I loved him so much..I can't talk to XXXX or XXXXXXX about it at all..