Question: My husband constantly lies...he abuses substances..alcohol and cigarettes....of course lies about those...lies about finances...I have no idea what he does with his money...he has unpredictable anger outbursts...is very jealous....one day he loves and adores me...the next day I'm called filthy names and he wants a divorce. He has everyone fooled...they think he is the best....he can change his anger on a dime if the phone rings, for example. He is a hard worker and has always had a steady job. He is intelligent and has been told his entire life how handsome he is. I am afraid to go out with him because he will have angry ourbursts in restaurants if the food isn't right, with me if he thinks I looked at another guy...please give me insight....I am walking on eggshells with him. If he is sober, he is much better...still has underlying anger, but is more controlled. He has been physically and verbally abusive with me. Thanks.

His real father left his family of 5 children when he was 5 years old. He was 4th in birth order. His mother married another man who adopted all 5 children and raised them as his own. My husband has been married twice before; I am his third wife. He suffers somewhat from depression. He is in good shape genetically; he does not exercise. He had an acute MI at age 43; had 4 stents placed. This did not stop him from smoking. He does not take criticism well; he is a perfectionist. He is also an accomplished musician; very intelligent. Both right and left-brained. Mechanically inclined. He works fulltime and has a part time business. His relationship with his children is fair as long as he sends them money. I'm not allowed to know them. Although recently he says he wants me to know them. He has a great relationship with my sons and grandchildren. He refuses to pay for much of anything....will pay a portion of house payment and the water XXXXXXX He will barely take care of me; at times he will cook for me and buy me the food I like. But he forgot my 50th birthday, would not come to ER when I was there and in fact told me to "shove it up my ass." Doesn't ever make time for me....hardly intimate. Makes me cover all expenses. Makes fun of all that I do, my friends, my car, etc. I barely drink, do not smoke or abuse substances. He steals from me, breaks my things, etc. I am at a loss. Right when I think he is doing better, it starts again.

I'm not sure how much to include for you to get a picture...one example of hundreds: my husband was so jealous of a 26 year old male that I work with that he sat on the front porch of our suburban home and yelled to all of the neighbors that I'm blowing a ___ from work. He calls me psycho all of the time.....he calls me a whore...based on nothing. I have been 100% faithful. He however, has not. However, he tells his family lies about me to get them to hate me. I feel like I'm trapped in a bad dream. He calls me ugly, old hag, a bitch, and tells me he hates me. Then he will tell me he loves me and he's so sorry. There has to be an answer. I have a B.S., am employed as a supervisor, work 2 jobs, participate in family activities....but I am far from perfect. However, I feel this is unacceptable behavior. Please advise.

Thank you for your response. I am physically ill from his abuse. I have difficulty sleeping; when I do, I have nightmares on occasion. I constantly worry about money because he inadvertently steals from me, I.e., he will talk me into paying a huge XXXXXXX tell me he will pay me back, and I never see a dime.
He leaves and doesn't tell me where he is. I clearly need help to cope. I am in need of support. I have gone to Al-Anon and it was helpful...but humiliating to admit I live with this abuse. It is embarrassing when he lies to his family about me. He has made a fool of me in front of my family.
In your opinion, what do I do?

Thank you. You have done more than you know. Your words are truths that I already know.... But for whatever reason, I do not respect myself enough to take care of me. I don't know if I think I'm not worthy of respect...but the real reason probably lies in-between...not wanting to disappoint my family..worrying about paying bills. Oddly, sometimes the things we need to hear most come from a perfect stranger. Somehow seeing it in writing is a wake up call.
Many blessings to you.