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How To Deal With Insecurity In A Relationship?

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Posted on Mon, 2 Jun 2014
Question: Hi ! Doctor
I have a situation on which I would like your opinion. I would like to give the background around the situation and then see what's your diagnosis.
We go back thirty years , two very good friends, say XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX share everything , feelings , talk about everything in life , now they become friends with a few more people they are just regular friends and from that group XXXXXXX gets friendly with a girl say XXXXXXX a very pretty girl , they like each other fall in love , get engaged . XXXXXXX had to leave the country for a few months for work . XXXXXXX is also friendly with XXXXXXX and starts taking to her over the phone daily , I would guess as a friend or may be he some where liked her but didn't go for her as he was dating many girls that time and was not ready to settle down .
XXXXXXX comes back , gets married to XXXXXXX and they move to USA. Life's good for them they build their life together have 2 kids. So does XXXXXXX finally gets married and moves to different country from his home country.
WE fast forward 30 years. XXXXXXX gets a opportunity to move to USA to a different city from where XXXXXXX lives. XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX are very thrilled to see them come to USA , they connect over the phone and want to meet each other after all these years. XXXXXXX invites XXXXXXX and his 2 kids and wife to come over and stay with him as a vacation so they could bond back again.
Both the families have a good time together but XXXXXXX is little taken aback from the looks and personality of David's wife. He was a kind who would go for very pretty tall stylish kind of girls, but his wife looked more of a country style home body totally opposite to what XXXXXXX imagined. , XXXXXXX invites XXXXXXX back to visit him in his city.
Both the families talk over the phone and talk about kids , always call on Birthdays anniversaries , and share their happiness and any small issues together.
XXXXXXX after a few months visits XXXXXXX and his family at their home. The families are having fun , going out , enjoying the city etc.
Now one night they come home late from a outing. Everyone goes to their bed room and ready to sleep.
XXXXXXX takes the XXXXXXX to text XXXXXXX , asking her how she's doing and sends a funny joke also. XXXXXXX sends him a answer back. XXXXXXX is normally very witty, funny , bubbly full of life and smart. XXXXXXX find's that alittle odd , as he was there too and XXXXXXX could have texted him. He does not pay attention to it. XXXXXXX mentions the text and the joke in the morning to XXXXXXX and his wife is there too. She's seems not very pleased with David's action. Everything is taken as joke and forgotten .
XXXXXXX and wife come back to their town back. A few months pass by and XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX talk on and off exchange pleasantries wifes talk on and off and text each other. its Harry's 25 th anniversary , XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX both Play golf , XXXXXXX is very good at golf as he's been playing over many years. XXXXXXX calls XXXXXXX to help her purchase some really nice golf clubs as a gift to her husband . They do that and XXXXXXX is extremely touched and happy by the gift and his friend helping his wife to the purchase.
Now somewhere from here XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX start talking on text once in awhile, forward jokes to each other and sometimes his wife too. The frequency of texts became from once a week to twice to three times to practically daily and some times 2-3 times a day.
XXXXXXX one day is in the movie theatre with his family and texts XXXXXXX he's getting bored. XXXXXXX is pretty open about telling XXXXXXX that she talks to XXXXXXX over text and enjoy Jokes forwarded. XXXXXXX is texting and XXXXXXX asks who s that, she tells him its XXXXXXX texting fro the movie theatre. XXXXXXX feels really auckward.
He's also bothered and uncomfortable with XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX talking every day as per juliue its mundane stupid stuff and she enjoys the banter and takes him more as just a friend. XXXXXXX is furious now and asks his wife what the hell is going on . Just on Julies background she had some horrible experiences with couple of her best girl friends and was very hurt by 2 people whom she called best friends. Coming back she has developed a text friendship with XXXXXXX which she thinks is harmless, but XXXXXXX thinks daily talking and sometimes 2-3 time a day is not a regular friendship it seems odd. XXXXXXX is not sure that Davids wife is aware of his daily texting XXXXXXX Knowing her nature she will create Havoc and all relations will be ruined between the two families.
XXXXXXX in the mean time had many conversations with his wife asking to be friends but reduce the frequency of talk as it can cause major misunderstandings and he's started to feel insecure but loves his wife and is coping with this whole situation. XXXXXXX feel his friend has betrayed him by never mentioning about is talking to XXXXXXX and has very ill feelings towards him. XXXXXXX has assured her husband many times theres nothing romantic between them and its just XXXXXXX mind. She tells her husband she does not feel cutting down her friendship to XXXXXXX as she really enjoys the text talk , the silly banter .
XXXXXXX in the mean time does not know how to deal with this situation if he forces his wife not to talk to XXXXXXX than he's being unfair to her as in not believing in her story . XXXXXXX wants to write a email to XXXXXXX giving him all the above incidences and confronting him via email to get a his side of the explanation as he does not want to talk to him.
XXXXXXX is feeling very depressed and uneasy.
Please advise.
Coming back she has developed a text friendship with XXXXXXX which she thinks is harmless, but XXXXXXX thinks daily talking and sometimes 2-3 time a day is not a regular friendship it seems odd.
XXXXXXX thinks daily .. is a error its XXXXXXX thinks daily talking...

doctor
Answered by Dr. Sunil Gupta (1 hour later)
Brief Answer:
Needs direct one to one talk

Detailed Answer:
Hi,

I read your query in detail and can understand the dilemma in Harry's mind. I am also taking the XXXXXXX of assuming who XXXXXXX is in this story and will accordingly try to answer in the best possible way.

Human relationships have never been simple. It always gets mired in many different aspects. In this particular story, although XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX has always been friends, it seems evident that since early on XXXXXXX has assumed that XXXXXXX might have a soft corner for XXXXXXX Now this may or may not be true. In addition, from the same thing, it stems out to him that XXXXXXX may not be happy with his wife, which I would again like to say that it might just be an assumption.

It is also clear that XXXXXXX is insecure about his relationship with XXXXXXX He will have to dig deep down to understand where this feeling of insecurity is coming from. Jealousy in a relationship to certain extent show that a person although loves another very much but is not sure of the love in return.

At this point, it will be best for XXXXXXX to talk to XXXXXXX discussing his dilemma and insecurities. He will have to open up as to why he is feeling that way. In addition, rather that texting or mailing, it will again be a better idea to have a direct talk to his friend XXXXXXX where again he has to put down his side.

Depending on the responses of both his wife and friend, further steps can be decided. However, he must be ready for the fact that thereafter his relationship with XXXXXXX might not be the same again. He just might decide that it would be better if he withdraws back and cut down his contact with both XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX

Whatever it is, if XXXXXXX doesn't talk openly to his wife and his friend, he just might remain unhappy with all these thoughts recurring. As a result his relationship with both of them will anyway be affected.

Hope I have been able to help with your query. If you have nay further clarifications, please feel free to ask.

I do hope that the problem gets sorted soon.

Best wishes.

Dr. Sunil Gupta

Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Yogesh D
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Sunil Gupta (19 hours later)
Hi ! Doctor,
Got your response and made note of things. XXXXXXX did talk to his wife and did tell how he was feeling uncomfortable with the whole situation and every situation and angle in life was discussed for nearly two weeks constantly. He did tell her all this constant texting daily is creating many uncomfortable thoughts in his mind. She was very receptive and did tell XXXXXXX that she loves him and will never do any thing to hurt him and told XXXXXXX that as cutting of the conversations with XXXXXXX immediately and all of a sudden will look awkward as its just being friends and talking and joking about mundane stuff.
XXXXXXX said he believes her and loves her too and suggested to limit the talks as daily talking can be misunderstood by his wife also and knowing David's wife nature, if she finds out and turns around and says anything nasty to you will not only spoil all relations but you will feel very low and also think that your husband had warned her of this can happen, which will make you feel worse.
Harry's relation with XXXXXXX is pretty much sorted out and clear , the insecurity issue is cleared.
But Doctor, XXXXXXX had along discussion with his wife saying if you as friends started talking occasionally , then pretty much regularly the yearning to call each other increases and one waits to call other to talk about their day or whatever. Now you want to talk whenever you get a chance because the other person is in your thoughts daily.This can lead to some kind of feelings in XXXXXXX he might start developing a crush or some kind of feelings for you but as far XXXXXXX is concerned its crystal clear that its plain friends who like each others company and the banter and talks.

But Doctor doesn't Harrys concern here have some logic?

Also XXXXXXX feels let down from his friend XXXXXXX where XXXXXXX feels XXXXXXX went out and created this friendship mode with his wife behind his back as XXXXXXX never mentioned ever in the last 8-9 months since they talking to each other, that Hey XXXXXXX XXXXXXX and I text and pass jokes and talk hope you don't misunderstand. XXXXXXX since started talking to XXXXXXX has not had much interaction with XXXXXXX just must have spoken 3-4 time in the whole 8-9 months for petty talk and wish birthdays for kids etc, where they used to talk pretty much more and call up each other. This point here had triggered a question in Harrys mind , does XXXXXXX has guilty conscious that he avoided talking to XXXXXXX just as before.

Are these thoughts valid in Harry's mind Doctor?.
XXXXXXX is feeling sour towards XXXXXXX and feels a friendship is lost due to all this but his wife feels there is nothing and XXXXXXX is just screwing his own mind. Is it not natural to for XXXXXXX to feel this way. What really is bothering XXXXXXX is why did XXXXXXX try to keep it quite and never a mention a word ever to Harry?

So Doctor , lets see your viewpoint.

regards
doctor
Answered by Dr. Sunil Gupta (28 minutes later)
Brief Answer:
See below for answer

Detailed Answer:
Hello dear,

Thanks for following up. I went through your reply in great detail. Lets start with the positives. It was good to note that XXXXXXX has already had a XXXXXXX chat with XXXXXXX regarding the issue.It was also nice to know that XXXXXXX trusts his wife and that his wife too is receptive towards Harry's concern.

Coming to Harry's concern regarding XXXXXXX It might be a valid point that regular frequent contact between XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX might lead to development or rekindling of any dormant attraction for XXXXXXX in David's mind. It is again a valid point that XXXXXXX should have been open about this with his friend XXXXXXX

But every coin has two sides. It is also possible that XXXXXXX knowing his friend XXXXXXX very well might have thought that this will lead creation of misunderstanding between the two friends. Hence, it would be better that he keeps this to himself. I, by no means, am saying that XXXXXXX is right here. But human mind works in some strange sort of way. It might be that XXXXXXX would be thinking that XXXXXXX would have told about the frequent contacts between them to XXXXXXX and since XXXXXXX hasn't spoken about it, it's fine.

Rather than thinking excessively about it and harboring negative feelings about XXXXXXX I would again recommend that XXXXXXX has a one to one direct talk with XXXXXXX In our lives, most of the times differences happen because we assume things about each other and don't try to talk and sort out matters. XXXXXXX must trust his friendship with XXXXXXX and talk to him, making clear what's going on his mind. If XXXXXXX reacts adversely, may be he was anyway not a friend for XXXXXXX However, there is a chance that XXXXXXX will respond positively just like XXXXXXX did which will strengthen the bond of friendship between the XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX further.

In the end, I will just say that XXXXXXX will never know until he discusses the issue with XXXXXXX If he doesn't, the distrust against XXXXXXX will remain permanently in his mind which will affect his relationship with XXXXXXX as well as XXXXXXX and keep him unhappy too.

Hope I have answered your query. If you have any further clarifications, please feel free to ask. If you do not have any clarifications, you can close the discussion and rate the answer.

Best wishes,

Dr. Sunil Gupta


Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Yogesh D
doctor
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Follow up: Dr. Sunil Gupta (1 hour later)
sure, XXXXXXX will surely talk to XXXXXXX and clear the air. XXXXXXX is better in expressing his thoughts in writing than talking over the phone where emotions can take over and take away from the issue . what do you think is still better one to one talk or XXXXXXX should put his thoughts in a clear and detailed manner in a email to him .

Thank you doctor you were extremely Helpful.
doctor
Answered by Dr. Sunil Gupta (4 hours later)
Brief Answer:
Direct talking is recommended

Detailed Answer:
Hello dear,

Thanks for following up. Its nice to hear that I have been able to help XXXXXXX To answer your question directly, I would say there is no substitute for face to face talk. One gets to see a person's reaction, facial expressions and body language directly. Those are vital things, especially in a situation that XXXXXXX is facing. Had I been in Harry's place, I would have liked to see the spontaneous reaction to what I was going to say to XXXXXXX rather than a manipulated reply later on.

Also, direct face to face conversations has lesser chances of creating misunderstandings and misinterpretations if both the people hear out each other rather than only telling their own stuff. E-mails and messages has much higher chances of misinterpretations which can lead to confusion.

I do understand that XXXXXXX won't feel comfortable talking directly. But the whole situation is not comfortable in any way. I will still recommend that XXXXXXX considers talking directly.

Hope I have answered your query. If you have any further clarifications, please feel free to ask. If you do not have any clarifications, you can close the discussion and rate the answer.

I do hope that the problem gets sorted soon.

Best wishes,

Dr. Sunil Gupta


Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Vinay Bhardwaj
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Answered by
Dr.
Dr. Sunil Gupta

Psychiatrist

Practicing since :2005

Answered : 637 Questions

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How To Deal With Insecurity In A Relationship?

Brief Answer: Needs direct one to one talk Detailed Answer: Hi, I read your query in detail and can understand the dilemma in Harry's mind. I am also taking the XXXXXXX of assuming who XXXXXXX is in this story and will accordingly try to answer in the best possible way. Human relationships have never been simple. It always gets mired in many different aspects. In this particular story, although XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX has always been friends, it seems evident that since early on XXXXXXX has assumed that XXXXXXX might have a soft corner for XXXXXXX Now this may or may not be true. In addition, from the same thing, it stems out to him that XXXXXXX may not be happy with his wife, which I would again like to say that it might just be an assumption. It is also clear that XXXXXXX is insecure about his relationship with XXXXXXX He will have to dig deep down to understand where this feeling of insecurity is coming from. Jealousy in a relationship to certain extent show that a person although loves another very much but is not sure of the love in return. At this point, it will be best for XXXXXXX to talk to XXXXXXX discussing his dilemma and insecurities. He will have to open up as to why he is feeling that way. In addition, rather that texting or mailing, it will again be a better idea to have a direct talk to his friend XXXXXXX where again he has to put down his side. Depending on the responses of both his wife and friend, further steps can be decided. However, he must be ready for the fact that thereafter his relationship with XXXXXXX might not be the same again. He just might decide that it would be better if he withdraws back and cut down his contact with both XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX Whatever it is, if XXXXXXX doesn't talk openly to his wife and his friend, he just might remain unhappy with all these thoughts recurring. As a result his relationship with both of them will anyway be affected. Hope I have been able to help with your query. If you have nay further clarifications, please feel free to ask. I do hope that the problem gets sorted soon. Best wishes. Dr. Sunil Gupta