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How Can Problems In Marital Life Postpartum Be Dealt With?
Question: I am going through a troubled marriage after my delivery, now its being tough for me to cop-up
Brief Answer:
Please provide more information
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXXX Thanks for the question. I can understand the trauma and mental disturbance you are in due to the troubled married life because I get many such cases for family and marital or couple counseling and marital therapy cases and more than ninety five percent of them are positive results. Therefore I am sure that I will be able to help you positively.
In your case, the statement you have in this question is just one line. I am afraid that may not be enough at all for me to understand the issue, to understand the extent of agony you are facing and to understand the mental pressure you are facing. Therefore, I suggest you to provide as much information as possible regarding the troubled relationship, the general personality of you and your husband, family set up, socio-economic status, whether your husband has any substance use or addiction and if there is any other relevant information.
Please provide all these information. then I would like to talk to you and then may be with your husband. I am sure we will be able to settle the issue positively.
Take care.
Please provide more information
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXXX Thanks for the question. I can understand the trauma and mental disturbance you are in due to the troubled married life because I get many such cases for family and marital or couple counseling and marital therapy cases and more than ninety five percent of them are positive results. Therefore I am sure that I will be able to help you positively.
In your case, the statement you have in this question is just one line. I am afraid that may not be enough at all for me to understand the issue, to understand the extent of agony you are facing and to understand the mental pressure you are facing. Therefore, I suggest you to provide as much information as possible regarding the troubled relationship, the general personality of you and your husband, family set up, socio-economic status, whether your husband has any substance use or addiction and if there is any other relevant information.
Please provide all these information. then I would like to talk to you and then may be with your husband. I am sure we will be able to settle the issue positively.
Take care.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Vaishalee Punj
As you are aware I (29yrs old)work in Deloitte XXXXXXX and My husband(32 yrs old) works in Amex XXXXXXX I got married in Apr 2015, I never saw that newly wed period that people usually do, 24 august 15 I got to know about my husband's extra marital affair, But after certain discussion family intervention, I forgave him and moved on, 5th Sep 2015 I got the news that I am pregnant. in between apr to august he wanted to have kids but dud to his rude behavior towards me I don't. He is from middle class family, his parents live in Kurukshetra, he has a younger brother (29 yrs old) works in Accenture. His father doesnot earn much so he is supporting them too. His brother is also below average earner. So before my pregnancy I explicitly told him, that I wont work after baby so are you financially strong enough to take my and kid expenses.
He said yes, no issue I will manage.
Till that time I was also not aware about his father and brother's situation. I never asked him what is he doing with his salary bcoz we did not have that comfort zone to discuss our finances.
He is from what would I say typical Haryanvi family where women don't work, I am the first one who work, who believes girl can have their own identity even after marriage. He used to fight with me on pity issues such why I am calling him by his name, I should not call his name or why I am not changing my surname after his.
so we started not to talk much and in august I caught him red-handed.
After that he started behaving fine with me, and everything was ok between us, In sep 2015 first week we found out that I am pregnant, and we were happy about this, but this happiness was short lived, in oct 15 we got to know that I am expecting with twins in my first sonography.
I did not know how to react, so after 2-3 days when I realized that I cant be able to take the responsibility of two kids I should go for abortion, so I told him, He told his parents, his father called me not to abort as they will come to help us.
and then I decided that I should not quit my job, as I cant burden my husband with two kids responsibilities, its too much to ask him, because in a city like XXXXXXX education itself is very big challenge, because I always think its only your education who defines you and will be with you when most needed. but his family and he doesnot believe in this why I am saying this I will tell you slowly.
I used to travel 3 weekends out of 4 to his hometown (Gurgaon to Kurukshetra) coz he loves to go there.
I was working in hectic project from 7 AM to 10 PM I used to work continuously and every Friday we need to rush from GGN to KKR, and sunday we used to come back.
I also got very tired, so Saturday and sunday I used to sleep till 8:30, coz both of their sons were also sleeping, and my MIL used to pray till 9 and my FIL used to go his shop as he has Bread, milk time.
so 9 I started making breakfast for them, because "Sasural Sasural hota he" but it's fine my husband and were happy.
my MIL used to taunt me for every festival your parents did not give this and that I chose to ignore her, as its only two days thing, why I shud spoil my mood and env, because XXXXXXX my husband was behaving
fine with me, but in March again hit me hard, my MIL found out new ways to torture me he used to teach XXXXXXX that aisa hota he aisa nhi hota, and he started fighting with me on those things, and in march I asked XXXXXXX that why is he not paying home rent, Car EMI and grocery maid what all expense you have for a home, then he told me the truth about his father and brother, because his brother also started living with us.
and I could not do anything that time. but that hit me somewhere really hard. I was worried about my kids future and everything. I never enjoyed the time which every girl dreamt of.
In Apr 2016 I was blessed with twins boy and girl, and MIL got fractured her hip just one week before my delivery(my first anniversary). Then I came to my mother's place so that my sister and my mother can take care of me and babies. I was alone struggling, and once in a month he used to meet us.
I started thinking that alone I am suffering from all this, I was weak, sleep deprived tired any my husband who should be there to support me not here.
and then all the distances started.
and when I came back to XXXXXXX he never took care of me the way it supposed to be.
Actually what I think he just wanted to have babies so that can take me on my knees so well he did that
I was alone handling both kids, and even started working from XXXXXXX 17 too, I kept a full time maid now my MIL also have problem with that what do I do, why so expensive maid.
I don't want to keep Rohit's younger brother with us, He does not help in anything even does not give a single XXXXXXX in household expense, so I told indirectly that better he should move out, second reason was he used to tell every thing to his mom what is happening here.
So he got shifted to a PG nearby our place, now his parents started that his breakfast, lunch dinner will be prepared here as I have maid so cant deny.
Initially I said no but we fought a lot and I had to say yes.
Then 1st May he left the house leaving me and kids, coz when all this fighting was happening My father said some harsh words to his father, and I did not fight with my father that's why he left us. 9th May was my younger sister's marriage so on 5th I left for it, Nobody came to the wedding, so on 14th may we decided to go to his hometown and talk,
So it was decided that I need to give certain portion of salary to him
So they(My mama and his mama, who arranged this marriage) asked him how much expense we have in XXXXXXX he told approx. 60K per month and they told me my expense I told 12-15 K(I used to buy my own clothes, toiletries, kids diaper, clothes, their toys whatever the upper expense, even if I wanted to eat something from out I used to pay my bill)so they told total we would assume its 80K, and 60 XXXXXXX would give and 30 I would pay. I was not ready to do but when everybody said I said ok.
so in XXXXXXX this started, we opened a joined account 50K he put and I gave him cheque for 25K , he told me to give 25K check rest 5K online transfer. I said ok.
so in between the month I asked him Can I take money cozy 18 I need to pay my credit card XXXXXXX he said no you cant take money for your own expense, I said no it was said I can take. then we fought, in few days he told me he is leaving I said okay and 1st July he left and did not come back yet.now he found a new flat and living with his brother keeping cook and maid for them.
I don't want him to come back now, as after coming back same thing will be started, but now what I want a help from expert to get out from this, as I have became a negative person, sometimes I even slapped my kids because of my anger for him, how can I forgive him so I can move on.
whenever I see his having fun and no responsibility I got angry that because of kids I am staying back, my promotion got shifted from last year to this year due to this.
Please help me to forgive him.
He said yes, no issue I will manage.
Till that time I was also not aware about his father and brother's situation. I never asked him what is he doing with his salary bcoz we did not have that comfort zone to discuss our finances.
He is from what would I say typical Haryanvi family where women don't work, I am the first one who work, who believes girl can have their own identity even after marriage. He used to fight with me on pity issues such why I am calling him by his name, I should not call his name or why I am not changing my surname after his.
so we started not to talk much and in august I caught him red-handed.
After that he started behaving fine with me, and everything was ok between us, In sep 2015 first week we found out that I am pregnant, and we were happy about this, but this happiness was short lived, in oct 15 we got to know that I am expecting with twins in my first sonography.
I did not know how to react, so after 2-3 days when I realized that I cant be able to take the responsibility of two kids I should go for abortion, so I told him, He told his parents, his father called me not to abort as they will come to help us.
and then I decided that I should not quit my job, as I cant burden my husband with two kids responsibilities, its too much to ask him, because in a city like XXXXXXX education itself is very big challenge, because I always think its only your education who defines you and will be with you when most needed. but his family and he doesnot believe in this why I am saying this I will tell you slowly.
I used to travel 3 weekends out of 4 to his hometown (Gurgaon to Kurukshetra) coz he loves to go there.
I was working in hectic project from 7 AM to 10 PM I used to work continuously and every Friday we need to rush from GGN to KKR, and sunday we used to come back.
I also got very tired, so Saturday and sunday I used to sleep till 8:30, coz both of their sons were also sleeping, and my MIL used to pray till 9 and my FIL used to go his shop as he has Bread, milk time.
so 9 I started making breakfast for them, because "Sasural Sasural hota he" but it's fine my husband and were happy.
my MIL used to taunt me for every festival your parents did not give this and that I chose to ignore her, as its only two days thing, why I shud spoil my mood and env, because XXXXXXX my husband was behaving
fine with me, but in March again hit me hard, my MIL found out new ways to torture me he used to teach XXXXXXX that aisa hota he aisa nhi hota, and he started fighting with me on those things, and in march I asked XXXXXXX that why is he not paying home rent, Car EMI and grocery maid what all expense you have for a home, then he told me the truth about his father and brother, because his brother also started living with us.
and I could not do anything that time. but that hit me somewhere really hard. I was worried about my kids future and everything. I never enjoyed the time which every girl dreamt of.
In Apr 2016 I was blessed with twins boy and girl, and MIL got fractured her hip just one week before my delivery(my first anniversary). Then I came to my mother's place so that my sister and my mother can take care of me and babies. I was alone struggling, and once in a month he used to meet us.
I started thinking that alone I am suffering from all this, I was weak, sleep deprived tired any my husband who should be there to support me not here.
and then all the distances started.
and when I came back to XXXXXXX he never took care of me the way it supposed to be.
Actually what I think he just wanted to have babies so that can take me on my knees so well he did that
I was alone handling both kids, and even started working from XXXXXXX 17 too, I kept a full time maid now my MIL also have problem with that what do I do, why so expensive maid.
I don't want to keep Rohit's younger brother with us, He does not help in anything even does not give a single XXXXXXX in household expense, so I told indirectly that better he should move out, second reason was he used to tell every thing to his mom what is happening here.
So he got shifted to a PG nearby our place, now his parents started that his breakfast, lunch dinner will be prepared here as I have maid so cant deny.
Initially I said no but we fought a lot and I had to say yes.
Then 1st May he left the house leaving me and kids, coz when all this fighting was happening My father said some harsh words to his father, and I did not fight with my father that's why he left us. 9th May was my younger sister's marriage so on 5th I left for it, Nobody came to the wedding, so on 14th may we decided to go to his hometown and talk,
So it was decided that I need to give certain portion of salary to him
So they(My mama and his mama, who arranged this marriage) asked him how much expense we have in XXXXXXX he told approx. 60K per month and they told me my expense I told 12-15 K(I used to buy my own clothes, toiletries, kids diaper, clothes, their toys whatever the upper expense, even if I wanted to eat something from out I used to pay my bill)so they told total we would assume its 80K, and 60 XXXXXXX would give and 30 I would pay. I was not ready to do but when everybody said I said ok.
so in XXXXXXX this started, we opened a joined account 50K he put and I gave him cheque for 25K , he told me to give 25K check rest 5K online transfer. I said ok.
so in between the month I asked him Can I take money cozy 18 I need to pay my credit card XXXXXXX he said no you cant take money for your own expense, I said no it was said I can take. then we fought, in few days he told me he is leaving I said okay and 1st July he left and did not come back yet.now he found a new flat and living with his brother keeping cook and maid for them.
I don't want him to come back now, as after coming back same thing will be started, but now what I want a help from expert to get out from this, as I have became a negative person, sometimes I even slapped my kids because of my anger for him, how can I forgive him so I can move on.
whenever I see his having fun and no responsibility I got angry that because of kids I am staying back, my promotion got shifted from last year to this year due to this.
Please help me to forgive him.
Brief Answer:
Wait and watch. You can do it.
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXXX Thanks for the follow up. That was a elaborate description of the pathetic experiences you went on in the past two years. Really worried about you.
I can sympathize with you. But I choose not to sympathise because sympathy could drain you off your natural cop-up abilities. You need courage. You are already courageous.
Forgetting is a bliss. Forgiving is a divine. So only a person who has the intellectual and emotional ability to understand the situation and the other person will be able to forgive someone. Do you have it in you ?
I see NO. Just because you are selfish (not a negative word here because you have to take care of two children of your husband, job, relationships etc and you need his support). So here you should be selfish. A selfish person always try to look into what others are doing for him / her. That is where you have to alter your thought pattern.
You have almost all the experiences which could have made you mentally depressed. You did not, could be, because of your mental strength. I suggest you to keep moving.
Even though you forgive him, there is no surety that you will be able to go forward as a good family because he has not changed. So changing him also is an essential part of this forgiving and living together.
In any case, all this not going to happen in short notice. These are procedures. Patch up attempts were already made several times and failed. So new patc up attempts will be viewed negatively.
Whether he loves you or not, he also do not like staying alone with his brother. He was forced into this. Due to circumstances. So we must understand, he will be having his own way of perceiving things and he will be blaming you for many things.
That is where understanding comes. If you both want to live together, you should understand each others needs, emotions, abilities and keep the ego away and live for the family as ONE. That never happened with you.
I suggest clear thinking strategy. Write down all that happened. Blame yourself for maximum events (even though you are not to be blamed) because blaming your husband and his family for what happened could ruin you more and more. I suggest you talk to him, beg him and somehow bring him back to your life.
Then I can do something through telephone or through video call. I need both of you together in front of me somehow or in front of some experienced family counselor.
Take my word, this can be settled without more pain.
Take care.
Wait and watch. You can do it.
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXXX Thanks for the follow up. That was a elaborate description of the pathetic experiences you went on in the past two years. Really worried about you.
I can sympathize with you. But I choose not to sympathise because sympathy could drain you off your natural cop-up abilities. You need courage. You are already courageous.
Forgetting is a bliss. Forgiving is a divine. So only a person who has the intellectual and emotional ability to understand the situation and the other person will be able to forgive someone. Do you have it in you ?
I see NO. Just because you are selfish (not a negative word here because you have to take care of two children of your husband, job, relationships etc and you need his support). So here you should be selfish. A selfish person always try to look into what others are doing for him / her. That is where you have to alter your thought pattern.
You have almost all the experiences which could have made you mentally depressed. You did not, could be, because of your mental strength. I suggest you to keep moving.
Even though you forgive him, there is no surety that you will be able to go forward as a good family because he has not changed. So changing him also is an essential part of this forgiving and living together.
In any case, all this not going to happen in short notice. These are procedures. Patch up attempts were already made several times and failed. So new patc up attempts will be viewed negatively.
Whether he loves you or not, he also do not like staying alone with his brother. He was forced into this. Due to circumstances. So we must understand, he will be having his own way of perceiving things and he will be blaming you for many things.
That is where understanding comes. If you both want to live together, you should understand each others needs, emotions, abilities and keep the ego away and live for the family as ONE. That never happened with you.
I suggest clear thinking strategy. Write down all that happened. Blame yourself for maximum events (even though you are not to be blamed) because blaming your husband and his family for what happened could ruin you more and more. I suggest you talk to him, beg him and somehow bring him back to your life.
Then I can do something through telephone or through video call. I need both of you together in front of me somehow or in front of some experienced family counselor.
Take my word, this can be settled without more pain.
Take care.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Prasad
I am sorry Doc . It's not easy for me to be that person again until he realises his responsibility and mistakes he committed to me. He admitted himself that he married me only because of my salary to his ex girlfriend. So I can't beg him, literally I tried all
Possible thing to make this work, even gave born to kids which I didn't want to. So mujhse ab nhi hoga. Why I always to think about doing anything for me, as he doesn't have money and time to spend on me.
Possible thing to make this work, even gave born to kids which I didn't want to. So mujhse ab nhi hoga. Why I always to think about doing anything for me, as he doesn't have money and time to spend on me.
Brief Answer:
Set course to a strong, well-thought-over decision.
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXXX I do understand your present scenario. I can always justify you too. That is the correct attitude. But do you think you will be able to stay and live together with him with this attitude? You know too well that he hates this attitude. I gave you all the above options just because you wanted to stay with him and wanted to get him in your life back.
The second option we have is to wait and watch. Because of the children, there are possibilities he could come back to you. But that could take time. More time than we calculate. There are other people around him like his brother, father, and mother. they will brainwash him saying "because he is a man, he should learn to live alone". But without these supports, and after his brother gets married, he has to feel lonely and may want a family life. So we can wait.
The third option is, you are young. You can always end this relationship with your children staying with you. That way you will be totally relieved of the mental trauma of this extent. There will be depression for some time but soon will die down because this is not your creation.
The fourth option, you can always live like this, without divorce, live with your children away from your husband, without talking to him or getting support from him.
All these options need to be thought carefully. The decision should be taken as early as possible because the delay in taking decisions adds to the confusion and worsens the negative thinking and depressive scenario.
I can help you remove the problems associated with being alone and forgetting the hard past. I can also help you in taking the right decision. But before that, you should talk to your parents, siblings and well-wisher relatives and friends. You could take a decision after consulting these well-wishers mainly because they will support you after whatever decision you take. You need their support.
Your mental trauma is not actually your past. You already hate to think about it and want to get away from it. Your trauma is about what to do next? The present problem can be the result of indecisiveness.
Please understand and set course to a strong, well-thought-over decision. You will overcome other things.
Take care.
Set course to a strong, well-thought-over decision.
Detailed Answer:
Dear XXXXXXX I do understand your present scenario. I can always justify you too. That is the correct attitude. But do you think you will be able to stay and live together with him with this attitude? You know too well that he hates this attitude. I gave you all the above options just because you wanted to stay with him and wanted to get him in your life back.
The second option we have is to wait and watch. Because of the children, there are possibilities he could come back to you. But that could take time. More time than we calculate. There are other people around him like his brother, father, and mother. they will brainwash him saying "because he is a man, he should learn to live alone". But without these supports, and after his brother gets married, he has to feel lonely and may want a family life. So we can wait.
The third option is, you are young. You can always end this relationship with your children staying with you. That way you will be totally relieved of the mental trauma of this extent. There will be depression for some time but soon will die down because this is not your creation.
The fourth option, you can always live like this, without divorce, live with your children away from your husband, without talking to him or getting support from him.
All these options need to be thought carefully. The decision should be taken as early as possible because the delay in taking decisions adds to the confusion and worsens the negative thinking and depressive scenario.
I can help you remove the problems associated with being alone and forgetting the hard past. I can also help you in taking the right decision. But before that, you should talk to your parents, siblings and well-wisher relatives and friends. You could take a decision after consulting these well-wishers mainly because they will support you after whatever decision you take. You need their support.
Your mental trauma is not actually your past. You already hate to think about it and want to get away from it. Your trauma is about what to do next? The present problem can be the result of indecisiveness.
Please understand and set course to a strong, well-thought-over decision. You will overcome other things.
Take care.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Arnab Banerjee
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