Hi, since I was about 12, training in gymnastics at such a young age, I started to become very aware of the things that I ate. Whilst it never started as a body issue, it was a huge preoccupation with food and how much of it I would allow myself. It got to the point where I lived off of coffee for 5 days straight. I am now 19 and struggling off and on throughout the years. I don t want this for myself, these feelings of hate and loss of self-control but all it ever takes is one comment against my weight (i have broad shoulders but weigh now 62 kilos at about 5 5) and it can dawn on me until I reach breaking point again. And there is honestly nothing I can do to stop myself from feeling that way, even if it s up to me. I want to feel happy and confident and i can t do that if I am unhappy with the way I look. At a point this year I was living off of fruit and vegetables and dropped around 7 kilos, but then i got warned from a close friend and it is also that little push from someone who cares to get me eating and happy again, obviously not straight away. But once I begin to eat, I find it hard to go back. And so this ridiculous cycle continues. Right in this moment, I am so very unhappy with myself, as I know I have gained that weight back and even through fitness - which I am often too tired from work, I cannot seem to lose any of it again. I don t know why I can t stay slim, I don t eat much for breakfast if at all. I am also a vegetarian and mostly dairy-free. Basically, I have no one to trust with all of this information, I feel silly, as if I can handle traveling across the world but not to look after myself. And I am so confused, I don t know what answers I am looking for, I suppose venting frustration helps to clean it from my mind for just one night of peaceful sleep. I am not underweight, not at all. But once I become in one of these moments shall I call them, I can get very fussy and particular and I look very ill very quickly as I get so tired and weak and pale and all I want in entire honesty is to be happy and healthy, yet I can t bring myself to do that! I still cut my food up into four if I can, I don t eat things if they are mixed with two kinds of foods and have before used laxatives and attempted vomiting. it s not as if you could notice if I hadn t of told you though, so does it really matter? This endless cycle if theres nothing to exactly show for it? If you re not too thin then it s not a concern? Because I don t know if I can do this on my own.