hi, im a 20year old female, stuffering from depression, usher's syndrome (deaf-blindness), and possible glucoma. just recently i have been asked to go for an inimate scan of my ovaries, as a blood test has revealled that i may have polycystic overies. however i couldnt do it, i have a lot of inimacy issues from my exstensive past of abuse. I have been stuffering a range of sexuall assults from various men, physically abused by mums boyfriends family, and a lot of bullying at school. i ran away at 15 to move in a violent ex where i just stuffered more of the same. since then i moved and have my own flat and got help, i now have a counsellor. however there is a long way to go and my inimacy issuses is now starting to scare me as i know i will have other scans or checkups that will also invole being inimate, but i would never go... i dont know what to do because my family has a huge history of breast and ovarin cancers, and i know that i really need these checks and scans..... im just to scared. it took my bofriend a year to get me to even trust him, and another 3/4months before i allowed him to share my bed, but with me dressed in my pjs and another layer of cholthes on top, and then over the next 8/9 months just slowly getting used to him and slowly losing one item of cholthing at a time. even when i was confident enough to actually sleep together naked, it was another 4/5 months before we actually slept together, even now i still have problems sometimes during sex. im just lucky coz he's never tried to make me do anything i didnt want to, he was prepared to wait til i was ready. but my main issue is that i cant just let any inimate scans and check-ups take place by professionals, i just panic, fear sollows me up, and i have to get out, cant stay there.... i know that i need these, and i just dont know what to do, i just never manage to find a way to allow the scan/checkup take place. this is really getting me down, and i am going backwards in terms of the progess i had made with my depression. i want to go back to my old tricks of self harm, trying sudicide (never worked for me, some people say im lucky but i dont see it that way) but at the same time i dont want to, i know it wont just affect me if i did, im constenly on edge at the moment, and i have no control over my emotions.... im nears tears most of the time, but also my emotions can just seem to change in a heartbeat. i could be really happy for a second, and then in tears and not sure why, then i might just be hyper and jittery. its affecting me so much, and i havent gone out for socail actititys for around 8 months now, simply coz i know my behaviour will affect others.... i dont know what to do....