hii,Im tired of writing to docs about my problem, no one ever replies to them, after reading that u have solved over 25000 cases i thought u might b able to help, I'm 22 yr old male.I always had stage fright but then i realised that was not the only thing i had, I have social anxiety i.e. i hate crowded places,i dont get on a crowded bus or a train avoid traveling at peak hrs. I walk most of the time even miles at a stretch to avoid people, i fear them, i would like to carry a knife but im afraid that i might end up hurting myself or probably kill someone when im angry.I'm also depressed since 3 yrs,i have a family but tend to b alone,mixing up wit people is the toughest job on earth for me,i recently moved to a new place but havent spoken to anyone havnt made any frnds wit the fear of rejection,i definitely know they wil reject me, im a bad person,I've started smoking since 7 months coz in the start it helped me wit my anxiety now it doesnt help dat much but sometimes i talk to ppl, once in a blue moon. When im angry i can talk to ppl which i usually avoid at all costs. through reading from internet i figured why i got depression and anxiety, I've a personality disorder - AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER..I've got each and every symptom it has mentioned.i'm even searching for a book on that subject.
i spoke to my parents once in november last yr took them to a psychiatrist,i dont know wat he spoke to them,my dad comes out of the hospital n tells me v knew wat was wrong n walks away. since then we havent spoken about it. i mean we had a fight regarding the medicines i was on but then i had to leave dem i only took them for 15 days.i was on amitryn 10 for 1 month,it helped, i started getting good thoughts,i felt good,i felt normal for the first time in my life but that was only one day, never felt it again.
And I havent cried in 11 yrs, cried twice for medical reasons, once for a toothache n once a headache caused by medicines given to me when i was hospitalized 2 yrs ago for dengue. No matter how hard i try i just cant do it. not even after hurting myself,cutting wit a blade,punching walls,bangin my head,extingushing a cigarette on my body,breaking a glass.
i enjoy nothing in life.i lie to everyone. watever i have written here is the truth coz i need help,i cannot go on like this,its difficult everyday,some frnds r there but i havent told them , its better that way.
recently everytime i travel in buses i wish it would meet wit an accident,it shud hit wer i sit ..i would help others and then die peacefully...