hello

I've been under an extreme amount of stress towards the end of last year. I've been in 4 year abusive relationship from the age of 14 to 18. There was constant emotional and psychological abuse to such extreme where i found myself depressed and didnt seek any help didnt even tell my family, because too, my mother has issues and i felt alone. As she can be psychologically abusive and emotionally abusive aswel howver, not to any extent to which my boyfriend of 4 years has been. Anyway, from being a complete emotional wreck going through year 12 hiding my depression from everyone and continuing to get through daily life, school and work i felt numb ended up using narcotics such as exstacy, speed and what not. This was a great relief for me and usually would do this on a weekend basis. My boyfriend however, has been an alcoholic and used to disrespect me by cheating on me behind my back which once i found out i had no self esteem, which hence..lead to my depression which lead to narcotic use. My boyfriends behaviour changed and he then started disrespecting me and abusing me in a physical manner. It all started with man handling, spiting on me and i was getting my back up, telling him to basically piss off id had enough, because i was starting to get my self esteem back. This is when he became a major bully when drunk, he bashed me twice which really scared the absolute hell out of me and i was going through vce exams and moving house i didnt tell my mum i didnt tell my family because i was stuck in this confusion which i didnt even understand and didnt want my boyfriend to get hurt i didnt want to damage our chances of ever fixing up our relationship, because i still wasnt very sad over the bashings. Then after my exams after the stress after the packing of the house i started to notice stange bodily sensations, like tounge twitches, head twitches, vertigo which i brushed off at the time thinking ah its nothing i was tough enough to get through the shit i have this is just silly. However, i still continued my relationship with this alcoholic who was a verbally abusive bully when drunk would threaten to bash me again say shit like "id treat my dog better than you" but then nice as pie in the morning and so so terribly sorry. So we went to this event for new years i jumped on the eccies while in a stressed state of mind and completley flipped out thought i was going to die it was a panic attack. and ive been slightly mentally disturbed by the incident seeing i had never ever had an effect like that before, turned out to be ketamine in the drug which can cause some psychedelic effects I hate psychedelics!! i love to be in control of myself. anyway after this incident the come down was terrible and i found myself a few weeks later falling into panic attacks over absolutley nothing, uncontrollable fear, miagrains which caused tunnel vision, double vision numbess on one side of my body contant tension in my head, and now these panic attacks ive been having are causing even more trauma for me thinking about them thinking im going crazy because i've always been extremely aware of my reputation and im extremely scared of ruining my reputation. these thoughts of me "going crazy" are absolutley distroying me they are tortuing me which is genralised anxiety disorder which the psychologist ive been seeing has told me along with panic disorder. theis genralised anxiety disorder creates this depersonalisation, dreamy, life isnt real effect on me which throws me even further thinking holly #$%^ i really have lost it which can throw me into a panic attack, where i think some outrages thoughts that oh my god could i hurt someone or never love or feel the same again ..the sensations during panic are horrific! and they scar me, which has thrown me back into depression thinking life really isnt worth it if i never get this under control, loss of dignity, family thinking im a nutjob. All these thoughts make me so sad and i dont really know what to do and i wanted to know, is there any way i can ever just go back to normal what can i do from here? I'm 18, i dont want the rest of my life like this i want to have reassurance that im okay and it will be okay but my anxiety and depression is just so strong i dont feel that hope. please help

kind regaurds.