I am 26 years old male. I need an objective opinion from unbiased professional. Sorry for my English, it is not my native language. Most of the time, I have normal sexual fantasies about having sex with persons from the opposite sex. Consider the fact that I am a liberal, I am not homophobic nor do I judge anyone, in fact I have many gay friends. But, I have a problem which consumes my mental health and well being. There are situations when I get in one apparent mood of mine, which I call, The sick state of mind . I am going to write all things which I consider relevant. When I was 11 years old, I was playing with my 14 years old cousin at his home. Sometimes, he used to make me watch porn with him and masturbate together, which I found very unpleasing at that time (I still find that unpleasing). Sometimes, he made me handjob him and if I refused, he blackmailed me. The time passed, but I always felt sick, when I remembered those times with my cousin. I don t know if this has anything to do with my apparent problem, but I think it is a relevant thing to be mentioned. When I was 14, there were bullies in my hood who verbally bullied me and some of them, from no apparent reason, called me gay. I have OCD and depressive episodes, so that made me overthing their words, even when my other friends didn t think I am feminine (I really am not feminine) and I had a few girlfriends who turned me on and whith who, I had great sex. But after some overthinking, there always was a depressive episode which triggered the sick mood . In this sick state of mind , I had some unwanted paraphiliac sexual fantasies which included fantasising how I have sex with my mother, my grandmother and other Forbidden stuff like masturbating in bus, in front of other people. After masturbating on those fantasies, I felt guilty and sick. There is something strange about these fantasies. They always come with the sick mood, they are not like my ordinary sexual fantasies, and they trigger instant orgasm even when I don t touch mu penis, I feel blood on my cheeks, genitals and all the body. I am hyperaroused and I feel really bad about myself. Once (when I was 17 years old), I was with my friends at a bar. There was a guy, my age, who had really pretty face. I started overthinking that I might like him (the fear that I am a gay), and the sick mood came again, I felt the blood on my chicks and my genitalia, felt hyperaroused and I got orgasm just by watching his face. After that, the depression came again. When I told myself that I don t care even if I am gay or bisexual, strangely, there was never a sick thought of being homosexual or arousal by any male (this was only one incident and never happened again). I am honest with my self, I even have watched gay videos, but no attraction, whatsoever. I must say that whenever I am in this paraphiliac mood I feel like a freak and monster. After a while, when I was 20 years old, I went to my barber, and his son shaved my beard since the barber was busy. The boy was like 12 years old. He looked like one girl I really liked so I started overthinking that I might start to get attracted to him and that I am a paedophile. Guess what... Overthinking - paraphiliac state of mind - instant orgasm just by watching that face. That seriously scared the hell out of me. I ve never had sexual fantasies towards children. I ve never masturbated fantasizing about children (I still haven t) and I don t find kids attractive. I started to drink SSRI (my psychiatrist told me to do it since he knows about my depression and obsessions) for my OCD, depression and low self esteem. I ve read a lot of studies about paraphiliacs including paedophiliacs, some of them indicate that paedophilia correlates with low IQ and other mental problems. That make me feel even worse, since I consider my self well educated (I am a pharmacist and a machine engineer) and I have pretty high IQ, but my self esteem gets low and I hate living with this burden on my back. Consider that except that incident with the kid and the things mentioned up, 99.99% of my time, I am not in this mood, I have friends, high self esteem, good job, girlfriends and a cool life. I don t feel any desire for masturbating in bus in front of people, having sex with children, grandmothers, my mother etc... But sometimes, when this paraphiliac mood kicks in, it comes with all these thoughts, depression, low self esteem and it always makes me feel like a retarded freak, I feel like I am in some strange psychodelic sick state of mind, hyperaroused and there is a lot of blood running to my face and genitalia with fast heart rate. Sorry for my long letter, I hope you read it and help me find some solution for this problem, or give me some advice. Thanks in advance: Harry