hi sir I have gone through your question and understand your concerns. In my opinion, your currently suffering from severe depression which should be treated immediately. All your features like low self esteem, not interested in daily chores, feeling tired, sleep disturbances, hopeless and worthless ideas, bleak and pessimistic views about future and finally most dangerous suicidal ideas and acts are all due to depression only. If I were your treating psychiatist, I would recommend you to start medication immediately. My choice of medication would be an antidepressant like SSRIs or SNRIs or Mirtazepine along with cognitive behavioural therapy. I also recommend you to go for routine thyroid checkup.