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Am i mentally gay ?

I was sexually molested at age 10 by a man. I blocked it out of my memory until after I as 30. I have raised two normal, healthy adult married sons. I am now a 58 year old man who still suffers from feelings of being completely inadequate, unmanly, unmasculine and have rarely felt like I was one of the guys. I knew the moment that it happened that I was pathetic because I compared my physical size at that age to a full grown man. I have at times craved being with a man so much that I have had sex with them, only to feel a thousand times more depressed and pathetic even to the point of suicide . I lift weights, swim, and look fantastic. I have a full beard and have no effeminate characteristics. But inside I feel worthless, just as I did that night when I as ten years old. I ve taken every antidepressant available. I ve talked with counselors who only changed the subject when I told them I as molested. I ve struggled over whether I m gay, but I love having sex with my wife. This has ruled all of my life. I ve prayed and continue to pray for help. Maybe someone has something to say besides a simple hang in there or I ll pray for you or accept it that you are gay . I d like some healing , not platitudes.
Asked On : Tue, 8 Mar 2011
Answers:  3 Views:  244
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  Anonymous's Response
This is extremely helpful largely because you have taken me seriously and didn't just dismiss me because I haven't been able to put this behind me. I suppose I haven't known the difference between counselors and psychotherapiests. My insurance is changing this month, so I'll look into that as soon as it takes effect. I remember vividly that when he had me place my little hand around his penis, I was struck immediately at how huge it was and how it was surrounded by hair. I was only ten and didn't know anything about what happened when a boy grew up. So, I was only acquainted with my child-sized penis without any pubic hair. I couldn't put my hand all the way around it and I was simply amazed at how big he was. He was many years older than me. And then my mind immediately focused on how very small I was and how I didn't have any hair. I felt weak, small and that I wasn't a real guy. I knew in that moment that I was a worthless piece of shit and had no basis to believe that I would ever be anything else except a worthless piece of shit. So, even when puberty arrived, and it arrived late, I compared myself to the strongest and biggest boys in the locker room, always realizing again that I was worthless. I developed a fetish over body hair and facial hair, since I didn't develope very much and it seemed that all of the boys I wished I was like were hairy. My beard came in extremely late ... late 20's. I never had any confidence to play sports and always believed that no girls would want me. I didn't marry until I was 28 and only then did I stop being a virgin, except that I had sex many times with other guys out of fear and intimidation about women. I feared greatly that my wife would compare my penis to other men she had been with and still think that she probably wishes she was with one of her former lovers. Realistically, I'm taller than average, much better looking than average, far better shape than average and have at least an average sized penis. But all of those facts are swamped by that event and the subsequent events so many years ago. My father never told me he was proud of me and hardly ever spent any time with me. He never taught me how to play any sports or encouraged me in any way towards anything that would build me up. My mother smothered me and acted and talked like I was helpless. Today, I seem to crave having someone tell me that I'm good at something. Any kind of compliment sends me over the top. I crave the attention of "manly men". I work out and swim almost every day, but all along hope that some "real" guy will be my friend. Most pop-shrinks would simply label me as gay and tell me to leave my wife and find a lover. But I don't think that is really at the heart of it all. I have a massive hole in my heart from the damage done and by the lack of any real nurturing by my father. I just don't know if there is any resolution to this. Is my misery my lot in life or is there any possibility of anything better? How can psychotherapy change how I view myself?
Answered: Tue, 8 Mar 2011
Psychiatrist Dr. B Raghavendra's  Response
I would aggree with Dr Deshmukh 100%.

Counsellors, when they are properly trained, can deal with only few general issues at basic levels.

Psychoterapists (again the trained ones only) can help a lot in your condition and there are two psychotherapies that come to my mind as being appropriate....cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) and Psychodynamic psychotherapy.

The CBT, if you are in one of the developed world countries, will have to focus on the trauma and then only can it successfully resolve your problems.

Good Luck
Answered: Tue, 8 Mar 2011
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  User's Response

You are suffering and getting disturbed in the present whereas the event has happened a long time back in the past. What it tells you is that you still have current beliefs about what happened back then. This is not a new concept I am narrating here. Emotional disturbances are not "caused by" the events that happen with us, but by our perception of the events, inferences we draw from them and by the 'evaluative meanings' we attach to such events.

This is exactly what needs to be discussed in psychotherapy. I am sad to know your counselors could not help you, but it doesn't mean no other counselor or therapist will be able to help. You need someone who picks up this topic and leads you to the very core of your beliefs about what happened. This can help you identify what are the thoughts you can modify to lead a happy life with minimal disturbance.

I am sure even you acknowledge that you have draw a lot of self-downing inferences from the molestation. For example - "I am not a manly person if I was molested by another man". This is a perfect example of a self-downing inference. Inferences can be wrong!

And it does not stop at just one level of inferencing. We draw more inferences from inferences, until we reach at a point where it all means "I am a weak person", "nothing will change", etc. These are just hypotheses I can offer at this stage, as I have not talked with you face to face.

If you wish, we can exchange a few more replies here so that you get the help you are expecting out of this forum. You may also consider taking a course of psychotherapy from a trained expert. Psychotherapy can address the issue more readily, as against counseling, where the process is more of a "feel good" talk. And I know you are certainly not seeking that now.

Hope this reply helps a bit. Let us know for more.

Best Regards

Abhijeet Deshmukh, MD
Answered: Tue, 8 Mar 2011
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