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What causes painful intercourse?

Answered by
Dr. Ashish Mittal


Practicing since :2004

Answered : 1856 Questions

Posted on Wed, 13 Aug 2014 in Sexual Health
Question: I am 28 year old healthy male working in IT. I have been married for past 12 months

(we got married in july 2013) but currently my wife has left me telling me that you

are rude and I dont like you. my wife is a working woman aged 27.
she is living separately with her parents in XXXXXXX my life is runied.

The real reason for that conflict is that is that she had not consummated the

marriage yet. she has had no interest in sex.
for first 8 months, she even did not allow touching me and we have had no physical

intimacy at all. we are living like brohter and sister. she used to tell me that I

would need 2 years to see if I am comfortable having sex. I need to understand you as

a person and when we have emotional attachment, then only I would indulge in sex. she

needed two years for this experiment.

this caused me intense pain and trauma but I did not do anything untill in february

when my patience ran out and told my parents. my parents inturn told her parents

.she was then counseled by her parents . after that she opened little but she used to

indulge herself only after my insistence and this act had been limited so far to

foreplay and unsuccessful attempts of penetration. she used to say she feels enormous

pain whenever I try to penetrate. its been almost a year devoid of sex and I feel

very frustrated.

I told her that lets see a pshcologist or sexologist or gynaecologist but she showed

no interest and told I dont need to see a doctor but rather you since you sound to me

like a sex maniac. she used to argue that I cook food for you isn't that enough??

just because I do not satisfy your sexual needs does not mean that I am bad.

for the same reaosn we have had some heated arguemnts in last week of june2014, and

we were not talking to each other. her friend who she calls her brother, came to me

and fought with me alleging that I am torturing her. my wife and her so called

brother even called her parents to XXXXXXX and convinced that I am rude , violent

and insensible. her parents too started blaming me and thretened me to file dowry

cases and domestic volience act agansit me and my family. after that they left my

house on july 7th 2014 and started living separately.

she was totally lying infront of her parents and I trid my level best to make her

understand how do I feel when we both share the same bed but dont do anything.
I told her that i feel unwanted and rejected.

I tried my level best to handle the situation with care and empathy but looks like

She was not convinced since she has had never felt the desire to be physically

intimate with me. this left me wondering what did i Do wrong? why she left me??
did she have any extra marital affair and thats why she has had no emotional or

physical attachment with me?

currently I am down with depression. this incident has caused me lot of mental pain,

insult and fear for dowry case. I try hard to get sleep, finding difficult to

remember things.

my life is a total mess now . I still lover her and want her to come back but god

knows what is going on her head? I wish she could understand my pain.
Answered by Dr. Ashish Mittal 1 hour later
Brief Answer:

Detailed Answer:
Thanks for your query.
I appreciate your efforts for medical consultation in so much distress.
XXXXXXX thigs may become less stressful if you understand what is wrong and what need to be done.

*What is wrong:
For me, it appear that your wife is having sexual phobia (vaginismus) probably, in which patient has anticipated severe pain, anxiety and phobia in intercourse. In several cases this is the result of a reflex spasm of the muscles around vagina. The reflex causes the muscles in the vagina to tense suddenly, which makes intercourse—painful or impossible.

*what need to be done:
Following steps need to be done for treatment:
• Proper sex education: read about physiology of sex and watch sex educational video to decrease anxiety related to sex.
• Enjoy foreplay and physical intimacy regularly without sex.
• Involve in gradual stepwise penetration: with small to large finger or use of vaginal dilators with increasing size according to your comfort. You can also use local anaesthesia with xylocaine during dilation
• Improvement may take time so never hurry. (very important)
• You must take professional help from nearby psychiatrist for wife and yourself.

So, involve your family member and bring her back, and follow above advice after explaining others in empathic manner. Your stress and sleep will reduce after solution of interpersonal issues.

I hope this information has been both informative and helpful for you. In case of any doubt, I will be available for follow ups.

Wish you good health.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar

The User accepted the expert's answer

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