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Question: I am going to get married in next 2 weeks and I am doing my bit to help my would be to get comfortable with me. Now after 6 months of marriage I have been told by my would be that she is not at all comfortable and she is not at all feeling positive about relation whether it is going to work. And whenever I have a discussion about this she talks negative about it and this leads me to feel negative about her and this is lowering my confidence to get back and help strengthen relation. Kindly help
Brief Answer:
Talking to her would help to resolve the problem
Detailed Answer:
Hello thanks for asking from HCM
I can understand your concern. I have read your query and I want to clarify one thing, you have mentioned that you are going to get married in next 2 weeks and in next line it has been written "after 6 months of marriage you have been told by your partner..." I wanted to know if you are going to get married in coming two weeks and I guess you are in relation with your partner since last 6 months?
Please clarify this thing in follow up so that we can proceed further.
A lot of couples experience relationship issues during first few months of their relationship. Expectations about partner, doubts about reliability, lack of confidence etc are some main issues that cause problems. She talks negative about the relationship so first step that should be taken by you should be-
- Make her comfortable and talk with her directly and normal soft tone if she is having any problem with you or anything related to you. Some times due to some minor trivial issues individuals start feeling insecure and instead of telling their problems to partner they start talking negative about relationship. Sometimes this becomes a way so that partner should ask or should resolve the problem. So try to talk to her and ask if she is really having some insecurity or some issues. In start she would not reveal her thoughts but with time she would tell you her problem and this would help both of you in solving the relationship issues.
Dont loose the confidence because a lot of couples suffer such problems and in most of them problems resolve with time.
In follow up question please provide details about you and your partner like what are you doing and what is she doing. Any significant stresses in your life or in her life or family? Any habit of you she is not liking or any problems both of you are having in your relationship?
Thanks, Take care
Talking to her would help to resolve the problem
Detailed Answer:
Hello thanks for asking from HCM
I can understand your concern. I have read your query and I want to clarify one thing, you have mentioned that you are going to get married in next 2 weeks and in next line it has been written "after 6 months of marriage you have been told by your partner..." I wanted to know if you are going to get married in coming two weeks and I guess you are in relation with your partner since last 6 months?
Please clarify this thing in follow up so that we can proceed further.
A lot of couples experience relationship issues during first few months of their relationship. Expectations about partner, doubts about reliability, lack of confidence etc are some main issues that cause problems. She talks negative about the relationship so first step that should be taken by you should be-
- Make her comfortable and talk with her directly and normal soft tone if she is having any problem with you or anything related to you. Some times due to some minor trivial issues individuals start feeling insecure and instead of telling their problems to partner they start talking negative about relationship. Sometimes this becomes a way so that partner should ask or should resolve the problem. So try to talk to her and ask if she is really having some insecurity or some issues. In start she would not reveal her thoughts but with time she would tell you her problem and this would help both of you in solving the relationship issues.
Dont loose the confidence because a lot of couples suffer such problems and in most of them problems resolve with time.
In follow up question please provide details about you and your partner like what are you doing and what is she doing. Any significant stresses in your life or in her life or family? Any habit of you she is not liking or any problems both of you are having in your relationship?
Thanks, Take care
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
engagement has been done 6 months before and it is an arrange marriage. I am working as a XXXXXXX project mangr im in night shift. and i joined this new place just before fixing our marriage. I had informed them about this and they all agreed to it. She is working in a bank but she reaches her home by 9.30 pm. There are no stress from any of our family members to her or me. The only thing she is saying is that we are unable to get the click since 6 months. she is saying that she has put in her efforts to get the relationship to work but i could not see this coming from her end.she confessed it to me last Monday that she is feeling that since this has not clicked till now there is no chance of gettting clicked in future. In that moment I took an off from office so that I could meet her the same day Monday and discuss her on this. i tried to make her believe that since it is arranged marriage it will take time.. and i also told her that i was atleast expecting to give time uptil 1-2 yrs atleast.I also told her that our educational fields were different and so are our hobbies and so are our type of friends. she likes reading books and i dont . likewise everything. she doesnt even like my XXXXXXX color. I have stopped my humor in front of her as she gets oppossed and she doesnt take it in right manner. Also she used to regularly talk to me in a harsh tone always back answering . and there would be no softness in her talks while talking to me. i did tell her that if we start talking and if you start opening up your heart then we could help this get sorted. but since last monday after discussion she speaks bluntly more and she always tries to drag the topic. she doesnt even like humor beng said about others and she takes it to herself. i need to be very very cautous now while talking to her, but stil she gets irritated quickly and she says that there is no point talking to you. and she doesnt even repeat the things if i happened to miss any, she just says nothing and she becomes silent.i try telling her not to keep silent by not telling me this thing, but she literally refuses to talk. i try to keep a soft discussion and not to talk about relationship which wen discussed she gets irritated at that same moment. but even during soft discussions, she gets irritated for simple things.
Brief Answer:
Talk to her and meet her again to find out any problem
Detailed Answer:
Hello again and thanks for providing details in follow up
I have read the details and I can understand the problem to some extent. The problem you have mentioned doesn't appear to be like normal relationship problems in couples during start of their relationship. First of all this is an arranged marriage and parents of both side are involved. You have tried a lot and also trying to make this relationship work but even in such condition and even in absence of any significant problem she is feeling negative towards relationship. Her behaviour like speaking bluntly, opposing anything of you, lack of warmth in relationship, lack of softness in talk etc should not be ignored. As you are going to get married in two weeks so in such situation as per my opinion following thing can be done-
- You have tried many times and also trying even now so try to take one more chance. Meet her again and talk to her softly if she has any problem. If she is not getting ready to open up and show same behaviour then tell her that both of you should involve parents in this problem. As this is an arranged marriage so in such situation this is one of good option. Talk to her sibling or parents and try to explain them the problem you are facing. This would help you in solving the problem.
- If possible try to request parents to postpone the wedding for some time. This would help you in buying some time. In that time try to meet her often. If possible take leave from duties and try to spend time with her. Try to understand and accept her liking and hobbies. This would help her in regrowing the love for you.
Don't feel bad about all this mess. I know its very difficult time but you have to pass that phase of life.
Thanks, I hope this helps you. Please ask again for more doubts in follow up.
Talk to her and meet her again to find out any problem
Detailed Answer:
Hello again and thanks for providing details in follow up
I have read the details and I can understand the problem to some extent. The problem you have mentioned doesn't appear to be like normal relationship problems in couples during start of their relationship. First of all this is an arranged marriage and parents of both side are involved. You have tried a lot and also trying to make this relationship work but even in such condition and even in absence of any significant problem she is feeling negative towards relationship. Her behaviour like speaking bluntly, opposing anything of you, lack of warmth in relationship, lack of softness in talk etc should not be ignored. As you are going to get married in two weeks so in such situation as per my opinion following thing can be done-
- You have tried many times and also trying even now so try to take one more chance. Meet her again and talk to her softly if she has any problem. If she is not getting ready to open up and show same behaviour then tell her that both of you should involve parents in this problem. As this is an arranged marriage so in such situation this is one of good option. Talk to her sibling or parents and try to explain them the problem you are facing. This would help you in solving the problem.
- If possible try to request parents to postpone the wedding for some time. This would help you in buying some time. In that time try to meet her often. If possible take leave from duties and try to spend time with her. Try to understand and accept her liking and hobbies. This would help her in regrowing the love for you.
Don't feel bad about all this mess. I know its very difficult time but you have to pass that phase of life.
Thanks, I hope this helps you. Please ask again for more doubts in follow up.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
she has been brough up well by her family no pressure about studies and nothing. she could do anything as per her choice, but we have been a bit conservative about while dealing with my sister.i dont know if this could be a problem, but i have already told her that she can do what she wants in her career in terms of education and jobs as well. i give her full freedom to go any place or outings or conference where she wants i dont ask much questions just to make her feel comfortable with me. but still those things i hardly feel she considers, though she says that i try very hard to make her feel comfortable and do whatever to help her .
i even asked her what type of communication helps i.e chatting, talking on phone or meeting. post her telling me i try to concentrate more on chatting and meeting personally as suggested by her. that has made conversation a bit more relaxed.
also i wud like to take u to your notice , i prefer talking to her on phone when no one is around me, but she has someone or the other with her who keeps on talking or disturbing her with work, she says that doesnt affect the conversation, but i feel whenever she is with someone or her sister she talks to me as if she is the demanding one talks with bit of ego (is what i feel) and feel she tries to dominate conversation , but when she is alone (which happens very rarely) she is able to talk bit softly and talk her heart out. let me know about this point
Today we had a pre wed shoot and during that i tried to be talking in a very loving manner she continued talkin in a neutral manner and then during one of our conversation she told me that she will run away . i dont know how much truth is there in her point, though i dint react in front of her i was a bit shocked that she told me that, she shud have not spoken to me in that way.
i even asked her what type of communication helps i.e chatting, talking on phone or meeting. post her telling me i try to concentrate more on chatting and meeting personally as suggested by her. that has made conversation a bit more relaxed.
also i wud like to take u to your notice , i prefer talking to her on phone when no one is around me, but she has someone or the other with her who keeps on talking or disturbing her with work, she says that doesnt affect the conversation, but i feel whenever she is with someone or her sister she talks to me as if she is the demanding one talks with bit of ego (is what i feel) and feel she tries to dominate conversation , but when she is alone (which happens very rarely) she is able to talk bit softly and talk her heart out. let me know about this point
Today we had a pre wed shoot and during that i tried to be talking in a very loving manner she continued talkin in a neutral manner and then during one of our conversation she told me that she will run away . i dont know how much truth is there in her point, though i dint react in front of her i was a bit shocked that she told me that, she shud have not spoken to me in that way.
Brief Answer:
She might have some insecurity for marriage
Detailed Answer:
Hello thanks for asking again
Though I cant say with certainty but it seems she has some problems. This could be a possibility that she want to dominate the conversation. She talks neutral when someone is around but softly when she is alone. Such behaviour could occur due to unconscious insecurity about being controlled or being getting married. Most of individuals have insecurities and anxiety before marriage. She might have some insecurity and due to that insecurity she is behaving abnormally. Pre-wedding shooting has been done and I think the marriage has passed to point from where return is not that easy.
Try not to ask her about marriage or married life again and again. Don't talk with her if she is happy or not as of now. Give your relation time and she would improve with time. She also wants to get married otherwise she wouldn't have come for shoot. Don't over think and over analyse your behaviour. Remain normal, provide her good time and love, she would improve with time.
You didnt react in front of her and this was a good gesture. Try to remain calm and lets time decide what happens. Her insecurity would decrease with time and don't feel bad about this.
Thanks
She might have some insecurity for marriage
Detailed Answer:
Hello thanks for asking again
Though I cant say with certainty but it seems she has some problems. This could be a possibility that she want to dominate the conversation. She talks neutral when someone is around but softly when she is alone. Such behaviour could occur due to unconscious insecurity about being controlled or being getting married. Most of individuals have insecurities and anxiety before marriage. She might have some insecurity and due to that insecurity she is behaving abnormally. Pre-wedding shooting has been done and I think the marriage has passed to point from where return is not that easy.
Try not to ask her about marriage or married life again and again. Don't talk with her if she is happy or not as of now. Give your relation time and she would improve with time. She also wants to get married otherwise she wouldn't have come for shoot. Don't over think and over analyse your behaviour. Remain normal, provide her good time and love, she would improve with time.
You didnt react in front of her and this was a good gesture. Try to remain calm and lets time decide what happens. Her insecurity would decrease with time and don't feel bad about this.
Thanks
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
My initial point of discussing again came just because she had told me about running away from home. my fear of doing such a thing kept me to discuss with her all the things up again.
but even i feel i shlould take risk of being silent and let my love and care do whatever is possible from my end.
Yeah and thanks so much.i will let you know of any details for future.
but even i feel i shlould take risk of being silent and let my love and care do whatever is possible from my end.
Yeah and thanks so much.i will let you know of any details for future.
Brief Answer:
All the best for future and maintain your cool.
Detailed Answer:
Hello again
Thanks and please don't let your emotion go out of control. Keep patience and you will see improvement in your relationship. Don't over think and over analyse. She is absolutely normal and have some insecurities which will reduce with time.
Thanks. Please let me know what happens in future. Take care, all the best.
All the best for future and maintain your cool.
Detailed Answer:
Hello again
Thanks and please don't let your emotion go out of control. Keep patience and you will see improvement in your relationship. Don't over think and over analyse. She is absolutely normal and have some insecurities which will reduce with time.
Thanks. Please let me know what happens in future. Take care, all the best.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
I will remember the name Dr. Seikhoo Bishnoi. just waiting for things to come back to normal.
thanks again
Also one question, do you feel the need for both of us to go to a one to one counselling and both of them together counselling.
Because i myself going to a counsellor wont help me get a solution. can you suggest
thanks again
Also one question, do you feel the need for both of us to go to a one to one counselling and both of them together counselling.
Because i myself going to a counsellor wont help me get a solution. can you suggest
Brief Answer:
Keep patience and don't loose your cool.
Detailed Answer:
Hello again and thanks for asking again
Dont loose the hope, things will come back to normal, no need to worry for that. As there is not much time left for marriage so as per my opinion there would not be much benefit to consult a counsellor right now. No need to visit a counsellor, try to maintain your cool, keep patience and don't loose hope. Her behaviour has resulted in loss of confidence and this should not reflect in your day to day working and in taking decisions. If you will remain strong and firm she would start confiding in you.
Thanks, you can contact again at any time for any help.
Take care
Keep patience and don't loose your cool.
Detailed Answer:
Hello again and thanks for asking again
Dont loose the hope, things will come back to normal, no need to worry for that. As there is not much time left for marriage so as per my opinion there would not be much benefit to consult a counsellor right now. No need to visit a counsellor, try to maintain your cool, keep patience and don't loose hope. Her behaviour has resulted in loss of confidence and this should not reflect in your day to day working and in taking decisions. If you will remain strong and firm she would start confiding in you.
Thanks, you can contact again at any time for any help.
Take care
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
your points in last discussion made me to think about 2 points about me that she had told me once
-That i think alot about anything on whatever the topic may be- and yes i do ..for any point of topic, I think in terms of how things can go right or what all things can go wrong.also how other person may perceive things,, likewise my partners case as well..for ex.As to how
she may feel if I do something like xyz- can you please let me know how i can control this habbit in front of her
-Asking for everyones suggestion(my family and her as well) if i have to buy anything for myself/others and also while taking a decision.. I do this so that if any suggestion from others can help me in taking a better decision and also so that no one may be hurt/surprised by my decision-
Just wanted to check is that making her feel that i am low on confidence or i am not capable enough to take a decision. Do let me know your valuable feedback
Do you feel this needs to be resolved and cud this be the things why she is behaving in this manner. Please suggest
Brief Answer:
Try to take decisions by own and remain confident.
Detailed Answer:
Hello again and thanks for writing again
Yes, just don't OVER-THINK and OVER-ANALYSE.
Try to make your decisions by your own. Try to gain some confidence. You are going to get married and the girl should have full confidence on you regarding any important decisions. Try to accept that you and your partner would become a couple in few days and your any decisions or judgements should focus on that only. Just remember one thing that you will take right decision, and if by mistake you took any wrong decision then accept this and take this in good manner that you learnt something even by taking wrong decision.
Make her believe that you take your decisions by own and present yourself as dominating and confident person. Don't analyse her behaviour or yours. Let the time decide what is good for you. Try to maintain a balance between you, your partner and any other person related you.
Thanks, I hope you understand what I wanted to say in last points. Sill have some unclear things please ask again. t
Try to take decisions by own and remain confident.
Detailed Answer:
Hello again and thanks for writing again
Yes, just don't OVER-THINK and OVER-ANALYSE.
Try to make your decisions by your own. Try to gain some confidence. You are going to get married and the girl should have full confidence on you regarding any important decisions. Try to accept that you and your partner would become a couple in few days and your any decisions or judgements should focus on that only. Just remember one thing that you will take right decision, and if by mistake you took any wrong decision then accept this and take this in good manner that you learnt something even by taking wrong decision.
Make her believe that you take your decisions by own and present yourself as dominating and confident person. Don't analyse her behaviour or yours. Let the time decide what is good for you. Try to maintain a balance between you, your partner and any other person related you.
Thanks, I hope you understand what I wanted to say in last points. Sill have some unclear things please ask again. t
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
can you please help me understand more on below statement
Don't analyse her behaviour or yours. Let the time decide what is good for you. Try to maintain a balance between you, your partner and any other person related you.
Thanks so much , you are doing a great job and in process helping me buld confidence
Don't analyse her behaviour or yours. Let the time decide what is good for you. Try to maintain a balance between you, your partner and any other person related you.
Thanks so much , you are doing a great job and in process helping me buld confidence
Brief Answer:
Don't overthink and over analyse, keep these things in mind.
Detailed Answer:
Hello again
Dont analyse her behaviour. Suppose you meet her and she is silent or she is not warm during conversations, then don't think that she is behaving wrong with you or she is having problem with you. There could be other reasons for her changed moos or behaviour. Don't analyse her behaviour again and again like while talking to you she also do work or continue to talk with others, but don't think about this as wrong gestures. Most of girls can talk easily to their partners even in presence of others while boys usually like to talk alone and they cant talk comfortably if any of their friend remain present in their room. This difference in behaviours is commonly seen between boys and girls. If she talk negative then don't blame yourself about her mood. Remain calm and don't become judgemental in anything. Let the time decide what happens and don't think about future. As per my opinion all these problems would resolve with time.
Try to make balance between you and your partner. Suppose you have to take something for her then don't involve your family members in that decision. You can tell them but take your own decisions.
Don't think that how things will go right or wrong. Just ignore these thoughts and remain calm.
Thanks. I hope this make you understand what I have said in last answer. Still have more doubts please ask again.
Don't overthink and over analyse, keep these things in mind.
Detailed Answer:
Hello again
Dont analyse her behaviour. Suppose you meet her and she is silent or she is not warm during conversations, then don't think that she is behaving wrong with you or she is having problem with you. There could be other reasons for her changed moos or behaviour. Don't analyse her behaviour again and again like while talking to you she also do work or continue to talk with others, but don't think about this as wrong gestures. Most of girls can talk easily to their partners even in presence of others while boys usually like to talk alone and they cant talk comfortably if any of their friend remain present in their room. This difference in behaviours is commonly seen between boys and girls. If she talk negative then don't blame yourself about her mood. Remain calm and don't become judgemental in anything. Let the time decide what happens and don't think about future. As per my opinion all these problems would resolve with time.
Try to make balance between you and your partner. Suppose you have to take something for her then don't involve your family members in that decision. You can tell them but take your own decisions.
Don't think that how things will go right or wrong. Just ignore these thoughts and remain calm.
Thanks. I hope this make you understand what I have said in last answer. Still have more doubts please ask again.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Yeah yeah.. for sure.i have already thought about it that way and i am moving almost in the same way.. i will keep al your points into consideration.. Thanks so much again.. will keep you updated..
Brief Answer:
Thanks and all the best
Detailed Answer:
Hello again
All the best and good luck for your marriage. Take care, contact again if you want to discuss anything.
Thanks
Thanks and all the best
Detailed Answer:
Hello again
All the best and good luck for your marriage. Take care, contact again if you want to discuss anything.
Thanks
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Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
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