Question: hi im hoping i can get some kind of an answer to my issue. Let me start by saying i suffered some kind of a "severe disconnection" in my mind which ive had as an issue (but less bad) in the past. My first psychiatrist thought i had a psychosis, which most probably isnt true. The psychiatrist im with today thought i had a disorganisation of thoughts which made me sick, this also isnt true. I fell sick about ~6 years ago with this disconnection thats been mistaken for what i said above. I basicly figured out my real issue but its definitly complex. Let me start by saying i do have high functioning aspergers syndrome and i am on many medications at the moment (when i fell sick 6 years ago i had to take some meds and have taken other ones over the years)
Today i take, 575 mg of seroquel, 17 mg abilify, 750 mg epival, 30 mg paxil, 4 omega 3 1000 mg capsules a day, some vitamines b1 and some synthroid. These medications are keeping me stable, (and the omega 3's make me less anxious, easier to focus, and they stimulate the positive part of my mind which in turn, makes me feel better.) Im going to explain my issue as ive had it almost my entire life, but i dont know what it is called (if there is something to name it at all) and hopefully i can get some answers. As far back as i can remember (primary school and on) I never really had anything to say, and for example if someone asked my thoughts on something i couldn't really tell them anything. I especially couldn't think of things to say in conversations.To be honest its like i didnt have access to some of my mind,i simply didn't seem like myself or, i simply could not access all my thoughts in my mind.The first thing is my family has alot of mental illness in it. The other and most important thing is i got bullied alot in school, especially in high school. When i say bullied i mean torture, the psychological torture was just so bad i could barely take it, i also almost never fought back or said anything to defend myself for years and years in school, i just took it and took it and took it, along with the fact that i never spoke of all this bulliying and torture to anyone in my entire primairy and high school. This probably made it worse, the negativity seems to have built in my mind, as from what ive heard, since aspergers can make you hold on to and be more sensitive to negative experiences it didnt help this process. Also ive always functioned extremely well despite all of this (good grades and had a few friends). When i finished high school i went to work at mcdonalds, and i had alot of stress there when i went, although at least i wasent getting harassed as much as back in school. At some point i got vertigo and i stopped working there, not long after i decided to go see a psychologist about how i was feeling. In the beginning the more i spoke to him the better i felt (hes the first person i had ever spoken to about being bullied and how they use to make fun of me with nicknames and use to say i had a big nose). However eventualy the more i spoke to him the more anxious i was feeling until i got derealized at some point.(the derealization went away eventually tho) The anxiety grew and grew until i got really strong racing thoughts. So about 6~7 years ago i went to see a psychiatrist that perscrived me seroquel, i started at 25 mg and after about two days my racing thoughts where much less bad. Then i got it increased to 50 mg and i felt even better. In fact i felt the best i'd ever felt in my life by far, because not only did the racing thoughts stop but my mind felt much clearer, i could think like never before (think of all kinds of things to say) and i started noticing my entire mind/thoughts for the first time in my life. I felt extremely happy and i couldnt stop smiling also, it was amazing. This lasted about a week until i fell sick. One day(about 6-7 years ago) i started to feel horrible and my mind was feeling overwhelmingly negative, its like if all the accumulation of negativity that i had over the years started to bother me , to be honest i felt my mind try to focus on evrything around me and i felt sick. When i was with people that day it was much much worse, i could feel my mind getting negative "feedback" from people.
For example when my mom walked in i felt like my mind was getting alot of "negativity" from her, when my brother came in it was even worse, this was not hallucinations perceptions or anything of the sort, Its more like the aspergers aspect made this more possible to happen, and i wasent gettin any negative thoughts or anything that made any sense from people, or from anything else like whatever my mind was focusing on was gettin this "putting me down" feedback. Basicly almost my entire life ive been put down in school that my mind was basicly (i think) used to it and simply overflowed with the negativity also. Since that day ive been sick, when it happened
it only lasted about a day and i was completely lucid and not confused or anything the whole time (which makes me rules out psychosis and disorganisation of thoughts for sure) This event destroyed some of my brain cells, like ive seen on two different MRI's.
Fast forward to today and my question soon, it seems over the years the medications have helped me reduce my anxiety, stimulate my mind and the positive part to fight the negative, and help with repetitive thoughts.
However the REAL issue is what has not been directly adressed over the years, to be honest i have a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder with aspergers and psychosis but its no longer right. Today i feel more "disconnected"
than ever before (the day i got sick 6 years ago was when this disconnect in my mind came ahead and became much worse than anything i had ever felt before) although the medications seem to control how much or how little i feel disconnected. It really is like i cant access ALL of my mind and i am this way 24/7. I have anxiety from this problem and it affects evrything about me. Because of this disconection many things are affected, like
i dont "feel" my personality, confidence, cant tell what im thinking most of the time(even if i relax its difficult if not impossible) , my body is much softer and smaller along with crippling anxiety. I dont have anxiety attacks, its just always there for no reason(even when im alone!), ive researched anxiety disorders in the past and i dont apply to any group or even subgroup. When i try to concentrate and focus on something, most of the time it makes me very anxious and my body gets much smaller (literally, i mean when people see me and i dont feel good there like wow are you ok?? since when are you so slim.) strange but true. Also as further information about this issue if i dont take my omega 3's (every one) i dont feel very good through the day. If i dont take any i simply will not be able to think much at all(stimulation from them seems to help a bit for my disconection).
Now that i think of it, this is a good way to really explain whats going on with me:
I am actually fine today, meaning the meds help me be stable and my mind is ok,( i know i am confident, happy, smart, good looking, funny and outgoing. But this disconnection is caused (i think) from the negativity in my mind( which is why seroquel made me feel good when i first took it as it destroys some negativity every time u take one, my psych d told me this). So, i am all of those things, but i can rarely "feel" it. In the past 3 years ive had moments where i felt good for 3 minutes or 5 minutes or even 10 seconds, and in those moments i felt all of my traits, personality, focus, and my body becoming hard and normal again come back to me. I mean every time that happened all of those things came all at once(along with the extreme anxiety mostly gone). However it never lasts and it happens very rarely, in fact today it hasen't happened much at all. Once about two months and a half ago i felt a bit more connected and i could feel some of my confidence/seriousness and some focus/thinking with all my mind and IQ. Since then i have not had it happen again , and before that, it haden't happened ever since i started paxil(which is about 2 and a half years ago). It seems the meds i take (specificly epival and paxil) have some kind of an effect on the disconnection like paxil stops it from connection or decconecting by too much. Thanks for reading all of this it should help you answer my question.
So whats happening here, and what should i do about it?
If you have any questions please let me know ill answer as quickly as possible.

Oh i ended up losing my message so ill have to write it again. Ill make it brief, my appetite and sleep is fine. For the delusion of reference it seems i have that (but not all its symptoms), and ocd wise i dont really have compulsions, although the repetitive negative thoughts i definitly have. I have hyperthyroidism or hypothyroidism i dont remember to be honest, I had a blood test a week ago and evrything was fine(including my thyroid). Last thing, before i speak to my psychiatrist how do you think i should change my meds? Can i reduce some that im taking or leave them the same they are and take fluoxetine and olanzipine. Im assuming there must be interactions in between some of my meds if i start those two. Thanks again!
For the delusion of reference, i dont really have most of the symptoms at all, however is it possible my mind has a delusion that evrything is negative towards me, because of past experience in school from all the bulliying? The part of thinking that people are negatively talking about me, i kind of feel that but consciously i know it isnt true. This negativity i feel from evrything around me or what i called "negativity my mind was getting" , could this be because my mind has that delusional aspect? I feel a pressure in my eyes and the negative feeling in my mind also, especially when im with alot of people. Anyway thats all i wanted to say, thank you for all your help.