Question: Name- XXXX XXXXXXX
Age-21
Language- English/Hindi
Duration- I believe since 2010.
Complaints-
I study in a premiere law school and I know I can do good but I just don't. As a child I was very enthusiastic, I used to participate in cultural activities without giving a second thought to it. But it changed later. I went to a boarding school in 2006 and i realized that I am among many shining stars and I have become a commoner from someone who always had decent limelight. I used to dance and go for competitions but I did not dare to participate in any of those thing or activities in my boarding school. I was good in studies there but my extra curricular life just went down. I came back in 2009 to my hometown and I realize now that i had started saying no to things. I was in the zone of my books, which I was decently good at. I believe all this aggravated when I changed my school in 11th. Gone for IIT coaching I realized I am not cut out for that. I was under pressure to it. new city new people and the society sucked. I know that was depression because I would just cry at the drop of a hat, I was never happy, isolated from family and friends. I failed that year and I did not know anything to pass onto 12 and on top of that I had science. I was brought to my hometown again in 12th and I was still in a room. No out life. I wanted to do law and I realized it was the only way to get out. So a year later I got into a NLU. Happy with that, all this time I remained average and i knew all this while that i could do better. still i feel the same. But i just drop things. I meet deadlines but if i can find a way to escape that, i do. I am average right now. Like i score 9 cg pa and i know this is not my 100 percent, but i just don't or can't seem to do anything beyond that. i constantly in fear of not excelling and not making it to the desired job that i want for myself. I start things, like research paper or a website bog that i started, and i dropped it in between. Ii get idea but they all remain unexceuted. I can;t even make a decision to buy a shoe, or what shoe. I find it difficult to go out to market alone. I just feel weird thinking I will have to go alone. even when i do, seldom, i run back fast to my room. anything out side of my comfort zone, i.e. mess and my room, even my selective friends, i can't do. My heart beat rises like thump thump when i put up the courage to raise hand in the class. I know my opinion is right, but i just cant do it.
I quit things easily, I spent more time thinking and dreaming. I always feel bound in chains. I go out for drinking sometimes, but i make sure i don't drink beyond my capacity. I just like that momentary lapse of my control, i don't speak much. I may have become an introvert but i know for sure i wasn't like this before. I have become indecisive, i find it difficult to concentrate beyond 5 mins. i feel tired after that and i leave it for night or take break and i never return to it. Just like I started studying in the morning today and i took a break at 11 and here i am mailing this, not returning back to it. I zone out very easily.
I read that your fantasy you is something that you know you lack. and i have always fantasized myself as confident, independent and free woman with a good job. center of attraction kind. one who has knowledge of her thing. I have lost my ability to speak publicly. I search for debates, for seminar presentations and i leave them with fear. I can't recognize what fear that is but it is the same feeling i feel when i have to interact with people or interact in class or go out alone or even sit alone.
when i fantasize my future, I am never happy in my romantic life. my partner would always do something and I would have to remain alone, sad, loner and rich. I just don;t know. i couldn't even continue gyming for my weight loss. Like i am 5 kgs overweight right now. I quit, i find that easy.

I had to write complaints, and i have written all this. I have no idea what am i supposed to do about it. All i know is that all this is stopping me from achieving what i really want for myself. No one knows in my family about this, except my boyfriend. No friend or anyone. Let me know if this is depression or just any other thing that a student goes through. I cry sometimes when I think about my 11th standard. I was not afraid of not studying. I went gave empty paper sheets. it had to do with my cousin whom i was staying with. My father would not listen to me neither would my own sister, elder. I would just lie down on one corner bed, listen to sad music, look out the window and just remain there. No school, no tuition. I just did not want to get out of that. I had to but. i don't know what's wrong.

Thank you for your reply. I have my exams coming up ahead from 26th onwards and I stay in a residential college. What can I do to just fight what I have? I don't want to do anything that affects my academics more than my psychology. I am in top 10 and i have to anyhow maintain this. I have this constant feeling that the more time I spend in thinking about things the more I drift away from my goal. I am directionless right now. What do I do after this? this is really depression right? I don't think that my father or my sister would support me for a doctor.