Question: Dr seikhoo Bishnoi please. this is XXXXXXX again. XXXXXXX went to the psychiatric hospital last weekend in a city 100 miles away and I went to one 200 miles away. XXXXXXX does not want me contacting him. I was suicidal because of this and a person in another state..called the police in my town of Prescott and they took me to the hospital..I was in so much mental anguish not only about XXXXXXX but because for two months now XXXXXXX has been away from me...not living with me..I am so heartbroken. He thinks i don't love him because I am or have beensuicidal..he began having homicidal thoughts and I am so very very sad..just as I was beginning to get over the sadness about XXXXXXX the sorrow of losing my son's love and companionship had to hit me and hit me really hard...in a million years I could not have believed that he would have preferred that I not contact him..his dad was so nasty and said he would file a restraining order against me and I am left without anything now not even enough money for food or anyway to get around. i don't want to live without my son XXXXXXX ..and am in too much emotional pain to go through such a huge loss...My daughter walked out of my life 12 years ago and also has blamed me for all of her problems. Her sister my daughter who lives her in Arizona still talks about how hurt she was when that happened because she closed her sister out too..my oldest daughter never has come back and I am not sure that I can just sit in this isolated lonely place day after day with no one to see or talk to. So all I did today when I left the hospital was wait to come back here. I am not sure what to do about XXXXXXX He left living with his Dad five years ago to come live with me...and now I am totally alone..can you help me please? I am so heartbroken....I don't really feel tlike there is any point in continuing to live...not without XXXXXXX We were supposed to go to israel together and now he doesn't even want to hear from me or see me at all..

I am not so bad about XXXXXXX anymore although without XXXXXXX when I was in the bad phase as you say I tried to email him from a false email address..actually it is not false but only the one i use for HCM. I am more upset about XXXXXXX and just want us to be back living together..i am so upset that the psychiatric hospital wanted to file an injunction against me for trying to reach my son..as he has Asperger's it is so hard to communicate with him anyway but I worked very very hard getting him to express his feelings and he and I have always had an ability to talk to one another. He cannot do that with his Dad and his dad was so mean and nasty to me. I suffer from DID so the thing with XXXXXXX was very traumatic to me as is this situation with XXXXXXX I am more upset about the inability to even talk to XXXXXXX right now..it seems that the hospital is only taking my ex husband's word for it that I have been a bad mother..I already feel like a bad mother...and this has made me feel even more hopeless and despairing..I wish XXXXXXX had never come into my life...it seems like everything is ruined, our trip to Israel and my son living with me...I am not sure how to get through the pain of losing my son this way...I last lived with him in August so it is now almost three months since my son was here with me..I feel so sad Dr Bishnoi..so very very sad....he is a very strong believer in God but there is a lady who works with DID people and XXXXXXX has had DID in the past as well but we thought he was fully integrated. She seems to think that he is operating in a part or an alter..he is so sweet that I forget how many really violent thoughts he had when he was growing up probably due to frustration, DID and a Dad who is very very messed up in the head from his untreated bipolar disorder. Yes XXXXXXX has bipolar but doesn't use medicines or go to counseling..he thinks he is fine that i am the crazy one and yes I have been acting a bit crazy the last year or so...my main goal is to make sure that XXXXXXX is okay but I can't do anything because he is out of my reach..i have been having crying jags but the days in the hospital were good ones..a lot of people to talk to...but I didn't know that I wasn't going to be able to talk to XXXXXXX until right before I came home today.my fears of abandonment and nightmares have come back and I am remembering some very unpleasant things from my early childhood with my mother's friends who did black magic some really bad stuff. I saw at least one baby being killed and we know that it is real but when the memory came back through therapy it didn't scare me. However there was ongoing SRA in my earliest memories..that and the physical and emotional and sexual abuse has made my life a nightmare although the last twently years had been better until the thing with XXXXXXX happened..thanks for helping me once again...

Okay. It is hard as the psychiatrists around the US don't believe that there is much did when in fact the Christian psychiatrists and therapists know that in fact it is much more common. I want to have XXXXXXX in my life...and being alone like this makes me feel so afraid and fills me with anxiety and dread...I used zanax and they won't let me have any of it. It helped me to calm down and sleep and so I have not slept much in the last week and that just fuels the anxiety. My ex husband doesn't communicate well and so I expected that my son was angry with me. I think he is really stressed out too, my son that is and his anxiety gets really bad when he is caught in the middle as does mine.
I am trying not to make everything a disaster but the last two years have been really bad for both me and XXXXXXX I haven't thought about XXXXXXX much in the last week or at all in fact except for a few times when I was angry with myself about making such a big thing about it..I spend all of my time alone.My daughter can't get in to see me and my friend XXXXXXX is busy all this week with her squadron of pilots. She is 87 and still flies or pilots a small airplane with the Civil Air Patrol. I am seeing that generally people really like me but when I get so anxious or depressed I push people I love the most away.
I am afraid because I cannot get out much as I no longer have a car and there is no mass transportation here in this city. I also am in poverty and only have $2 to live on for the next three days...and am therefore isolated.
I am scared> I just looked through my emails and saw that i had emailed his store address. i did it on Tuesday and pretended to be someone else. I was in the hospital that night only an hour or two after I did that. i am afraid.

Thank you Dr B. I feel like I turned a corner with the XXXXXXX thing. If XXXXXXX was with me I would feel a lot better. I miss him so much. He is texting me a little bit from the hospital though they didn't let me do that. They don't seem to care about how any of this affects me and also XXXXXXX I am going to change clinics soon or get rid of them. It is much better in Israel with medicine but there is a lot of terrorism there right now.
My friend is concerned as I have chronic hyperinsomnia. She sleeps like a baby on the massage beds..I struggle to get even a few hours and the psychiatrists here do not like zanax.But it helps me to calm down and fall asleep. I think I might be finally getting some closure with the XXXXXXX thing at least for now and am trying to get some help for this fear I have that XXXXXXX will not be coming back to me anymore. He is my prayer partner and I miss him so much. He is a blonde blueyed skinny, tall young man of 25. I love him so much.
But tomorrow I will see XXXXXXX again and go on the massage beds..they really do help with my mood. The massage beds have been proven to help with anxiety and depression but for me the far infra red light and heat energize me rather than put me to sleep. Still I think I am making progress in accepting that XXXXXXX may not come back and that I will be okay. I am more concerned about XXXXXXX
He needs my help still and I feel so alone. There is a distaste for me and a scorn by the clinic staff that i could feel this week that is not a very good thing. I need to find a Christian place to go to that accepts my beliefs of the spiritual not just emotional abuse I sustained as a very young baby and child..and I am grateful that there is now a place that people who believe in Yshua( Jesus) have access to. God is the only One Who can heal what I have with the DID and PtSD. XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX and I all believe the same thing but XXXXXXX caused so much damage to me and my son that I cannot allow him back unless he would seriously seek and get psychiatric treatment..and I am not going to do anything bad. I wasn't sure about that until tonight however..thanks so much for your support..and I hope you are right about the email. I am not supposed to contact him in ANY way even through the mail or emails though. He doesn't always look at his emails though and I am sure that he is even more paranoid than he was last year..no one is able to contact him on his home emails anymore. He just has blocked everyone. I guess I am trying to say that finally I am beginning to see some progress in myself about letting go of the XXXXXXX thing...it has taken almost two years but I am doing it finally..I will always feel sad about it though.

Thank you Dr B. My oldest daughter last spoke with me in 2003 and she has never come back. She was 27 and blamed me for ruining her life when I told the psychiatrists to keep her in the hospital and I am so afraid that XXXXXXX will do the same thing. A few weeks ago though he texted me this, " I love you so much. I am sorry your life is so painful.I would trade mine for yours just so you wouldn't hurt anymore." But I still do not know what is going on with him. The hospital and my ex refuse to let me know what is going on. My ex threatened to file an injunction of harassment on me last week and I don't have enough money to go to the doctor or chiropractor and am in so much physical pain. I don't have enough money for food and no one to help me get food or get pain medicines either. I am alone.

Thank u so much. I had a good time with XXXXXXX She is such a great friend! I am seeing things so much clearer now. I finally have put it into God's Hands and today was listening and yesterday too to Dr XXXXXXX Zacharias, the Christian/Indian apologist. I have fo;;owed his teachings for many many years. I think that God brought us all together and although i don't know why this stuff happened with XXXXXXX I have finally let go of it and even of Sa.
I was telling XXXXXXX that on the ride home..and when i got home found that XXXXXXX had tried to call me on my cell but its all okay. They have treated all of us poorly but what they meant for evil God means for good that we are being trained by God to wait and trust in HIS PURPOSES and plans and that if we just and I mean me, mostly, HE will make everything work out the way HE wants it to for our good. For we know that IN all things, God works together for the good of those who love Him..and I am learning what it means to trust Him and that He is the God of all hope.....

Do you think XXXXXXX will ever come back? I used to think so but don't think so now..it is hard because both XXXXXXX and I thought we were supposed to be together and we both thought we were supposed to go to Israel but now neither seems to have been right..its been almost two years since XXXXXXX was in our lives and we all thought it was permanent..but without treatment I guess it is not to be..