Question: Hi, I am a doctor myself, in some serious marriage dysfunction and unhappy with my personal life, I have started getting mesophobia for past 3 yrs and getting worse, it swings with my stress as well. It's not a typical mesophobia as I am not necessarily worried about germs or getting unwell, as in hospital I don't worry about it, I eat outside and don't worry about it being dirty, I just feel like I need to keep my personal belongings and home un contaminated, I do it even when I myself have touched something with potentially dirty hands I will clean it , I am in state where my family feels I am insulting them when I ask them to clean stuff or XXXXXXX to keep home generally clean, I know I am suffering and I want to get rid of it, but I don't want meds, neither do I have time to go and to CBT, I want to do something that can help me get rid of it, but I can't see myself going back to level I was before 3 yrs, which was completely normal except being sad out of marital disharmony which is ongoing for 9 yrs, basically ever since I married, I feel depressed at times and think of solid ways of ending it, I just can't muster strength and also am always secretly hopeful that something will magically change my life and I will e happy. My family if birth is very supportive and are close enough to me, my sister has life which I always wanted to have - generally happy with family and satisfaction, I know I can't get that. But just want things to get better. My husband has anger issues and in his personality which is probably genetic as my mother in law is same, he doesn't know he is doing it but he is constantly seeing negative things and puts all blame of situation on me, he sees negative in each thing I do, but at same time he wants to do good, just that he can't work it out at my expectation where I don't want him to criticise me and my actions on and on, he also says very hurtful things to me when we argue to the extent that I visualise what he says and feel sick , over these years I cried average 5 days a week, tried overdosing myself once 4 yrs ago, tried moving places and countries hoping it will improve, but nothing changed instead I got this dreadful condition like OCD like mesophobia, which is compromising my life even when I am alone now , it all started 3 yrs ago from one bad experience of serious unhygienic things done by my mother and father in law observed by me, I just can't face prospect of them living with me anymore and i felt everyone is as dirty as they are after that and everything escalated from then like PTSD.
I don't know what should I do at this stage, and my tangle of problems what should I address first, out of theses issues I failed my fellowship clinical exam as just night before my husband was arguing and saying hurtful things, I didn't perform with confidence, I never failed anything in terms of exam before as I am a scholar and very good doctor generally. I have to do exam again and I wish to be out of my situation and back to mental good health by next yr when I do it again.
We have decided to take a break from our relationship, but nothing changed in my personal life in terms of happiness or feeling hopeful.
I want to do a lot in life, I have a lot of good abilities that I can explore like painting, singing, writing stuff etc, I think I can do better at least in these aspects, even if I don't have good family life, or have kids which we don't have as we are so distant generally from each other except random occasions that there is no possibility of expanding family,which is probably best for my unborn children yet as they should come in better life situation where we are happy to give them happiness.
My family wants me to do happy things I like and get my confident self back, I tried psychiatric consult before but in my 5 visits it was all messy as my husband kept putting his side of story first and I never got to discuss anything.
I also wonder that occassionally I feel I should get in other relationship and that will be better where I might feel loved, as I can see most people like me, but I at the same time feel, I am not good enough to get anything better. I want fix my current life, but certainly I failed in past 9 yrs.
It's, very complex disclosure, but please guide me with a path I could follow in direction of getting myself better healthier and capable with gaining my self back.