Question: I'VE HAD CHRONIC INSOMNIA SINCE THE AGE OF 15 YEARS.
MY EYES PAIN 24 HOURS A DAY ALL YEAR ROUND.
MY HAIR ALSO STARTED FALLNIG OT IN LARGE AMOUNTS AT SAME TIME.
I HAVE BAGS AND DARK CIRCLES UNDER MY EYES SINCE.
I WAS 15 YEARS OLD.
I HAD VERY CLEAR COMPLEXTION AT 15.
HOWEVER ONCE MY INSOMNIA KICKED IN.
MY COMPLEXTION WAS FULL BLOTHCES AND WAS NO LONGER CLEAR.
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT CAUSED ALL OF THIS,
IT A MALE PROBLEM.
GOING BACK TO WHEN I WAS TWELVE.
I WAS TO EMBARRSSED TO LOOK FOR HELP.
AT THE TIME.
BECAUSE I WAS TEENAGE BOY.
AND EVERYONE WOULD BE LAUGHING AT ME.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WAS RIGHT.
WHEN I WAS TWENTY YEARS OF AGE.
I WENT LOOKING FOR HELP.
I COULD SEE THE STAFF NURSES PASS MY BED EVERYNIGHT.
I USE TO COUNT.
HOW MANY TIMES.
THEY WOULD PASS MY BED.
ALL OF THEM.
ONLY CHECKED 4 TIMES EVERYNIGHT.
ALTHOUGH THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO CHECK HOURLY.
HOWEVER THEY BECOME LAZY DASEY.
SINCE IF THE PATIENTS ARE A SLEEP.
HOW WILL ANYONE KNOW.
ALTHOUGH THERE WAS ONE NURSE.
WHO WASN'T AS LAZY.
AS THE REST.
AND SHE CHECKED HOURLY.
WHEN ON DUTY.
WHEN I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THE DOCTOR.
WHAT WAS REALLY WRONG WITH ME,
SHE DID NOT WANT TO KNOW.
ONCE I MENTIONED.
IT WAS A MALE PROBLEM..
SHE INSULTED ME HUMILATED RIDICULED ME AND GENERALLY RAN ME DOWN.
WHEN I ASKED HER?
WHAT DID THE MEDICATION DO?
SHE RAISED HER VOICE AND SAID YOU KNOW WHAT IT DOES.
AND THEN LOOKED HER EYES UP TO HEAVEN.
SHE DID THIS AGAIN A WEEK LATER.
SHE ALSO TOLD ME.
I WOULD NEVER GO BALD IT WAS ALL IN MY IMAGINATION.
HER EXACT WORDS.
I CAN PUT MY HAND ON BIBLE.
AND SWEAR TO THAT.
I GETS A LOT WORSE BELIEVE ME.
IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST FRIGHTENING AND DISTURBING EXPERIANCES OF MY LIFE.
I'M BARELY LIVING AN EXISTANCE.
DEATH WILL ONLY COME AS A RELIASE FOR ME.
I'M GETTING VERY SEVERE PAINS IN MY HEART.
ITS DUE ANGER ANXIETY GLOOM AND DOOM.
IT MIGHT EVEN KILL ME QUICKER.
I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE OF GETTING BETTER.
AS ITS BEEN ALLOWED TO GO UNCHECKED FOR NEARLY 26 YEARS.
I HAVE TO BE REALISTIC.
IF IT HAD OF BEEN DIAGNOSED EARLIER.
THINGS MAY BEEN DIFFERENT.
I HAVE NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND.
DUE TO MY SEVERE ILLNESS.
I'M TOTALLY BURNT AND EXHAUSTED.
I LIVE ON MY OWN.AND I'VE BEING FIGHTING MY OWN PERSONAL BATTLES.
SINCE I'VE BEING TWELVE.
ONLY FOR MY RELIGION.
I WOULD HAVE COMMITTED SUICIDE.
AT 14 YEARS OF AGE.

THANKS FOR GETTING BACK TO ME.
SO QUICKLY.
REMEBER I SAID I ALREADY KNOW MOST OF THESE ANSWERS THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN.
I'M nOT BEING SMART WITH YOU.
I KNOW YOUR TRYING YOUR BEST.
I HAVE BEEN TO A PSYCHOLOGIST.
I TOLD HER EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME.
AT THAT AGE.
VERY PRIVATE AND PERSONAL DETAILS OFF MY LIFE.
6 MONTHS LATER.
NOTHING HAS CHANGED.
I RECKON NOW THAT NOT ONLY AM THE ONLY MAN IN XXXXXXX
WHIT THIS ILLNESS.
HOWEVER ALSO IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
MY ENTIRE SLEEP PATTERN.
HAS BEEN KNOCKED OUT OF KILTER.
AT THE AGE OF 15 YEARS.
IT WOULD TAKE LITTERALLY A MIRACLE.
TO GET BETTER.
IF YOU WERE TO SEE.
I GO AROUND LIKE A MAN OF ABOUT 90 YEARS OF AGE.
I BEEN TRYING MT BEST TO TELL PEOPLE.
WHATS REALLY WRONG WITH ME.
HOWEVER NOBODY CAN DO ANYTHING FOR ME.
I HAVE BEEN DISCRIMMATED ON GENDER TWICE.
ALL THE GREAT PSYCHIATRISTS DO HIS TELL YOU TO TAKE YOUR MEDICATION AND GO HOME.
SURE I'M BEEN THAT SINCE I WAS 14.
EVEN WRITING THIS MESSAGE HIS KILLING ME.
DUE TO EXHAUSTION.
AS I'M TOTALLY BURNT OUT AND EXHAUSTED.
I'M BEEN DEALING WITH THIS ON MY OWN.
SINCE I WAS TWELVE.
AND NOTHING GOING TO CHANGE.
I'M FINISHED.
MY MOTHER NOW GOES TO THE PSCHIATRISTS WITH ME.
SHE DOESN'T THINK MUNCH OF THEM EITHER.
MY MOTHER SAID TO ME.
THERE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.
ALL THEY DO IS TALK.
MY MOTHER IS NOT IMPRESSED WITH MY GP EITHER.
MY MOTHER SAID TO I'M TO POOR FOR HER.
AND SHE DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN.
AT LEAST NOW I HAVE MY MOTHER AS A WITNESS TO THIS.
WHEN I WENT TO THE CONSULTANT PSYCHIATRIST.
I DID'NT EVEN NOTICE.
MY MOTHER SAID.
WHEN WE LEFT.
HE BASICUALLY TOLD HER TO SHUT UP OR GET OUT.
I SAID TO MY MOTHER.
I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT.
I SAID TO HER.
HE WAS ACTUALLY POLITE AND WELL MANNERED.
COMPARED TO SOME OTHER I'VE SEEN.
THE GEATEAST SLEEP RUTINE IN THE WORLD.
WOULDN'T MAKE A DIFERENCE.
SINCE I'VE TRIED ALL OF THAT.
SO MANY TIMES.
OVER THE LAST 26 YEARS.
I CAN PROOF ALL OF THIS.
IF I WERE TO TAKEN INTO HOSPITAL.
I WOULD NOT SLEEP A WINK DAY OR NIGHT.
NO MATTER HOW LONG I WAS THERE.
ALSO MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT.
ALTHOUGH IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.
ANYMORE SINCE I'M GOING BALD.
ALL THE LIES THAT I WAS TOLD FROM THAT DOCTOR.
WHEN I WAS TWENTY YEARS OF AGE.
THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT THIS DOCTOR WRITE IN MY MEDICAL RECORDS.

BASICALLY HE PRESENTED WITH THE BELIEF THAT IS HAIR WAS FALLING OUT WHICH WAS NOT IN FACT TRUE AND WANTED PHYSICAL INVESTIGATIONS FOR THIS.

SIGNED BY THAT DOCTOR.

NOW ACCORDING TO HER.
ITS A FACT.
NOT AN OPINION A FACT.

THIS IS THE KIND OF RUBBISH I'VE HAD TO PUT WITH.
AND NOBODY IS HELD ACCOUNTABLE.
THIS DOCTOR IS A HUGE SALARY.
AND ON TOP OF THAT GETTING MONEY FROM MULTI NATIONAL PHARMATUEICAL COMPANIES.

NOW I DON'T WHATS GOING IN THE HEALTH SYSTEM IN MY COUNTRY.
I HAVE THE BEST SLEEPING HABITS IN THE WORLD.
IT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERNACE.

IT STARTED WHEN I WAS TWELVE YEARS OF AGE.
I COULDN'T TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT AT THE TIME.
SINCE I WAS A TEENAGE BOY.
AND EVERYONE WOULD BE LAUGHING AT ME.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WAS 100% CORRECT ON THAT.

I CAN'T GO BACK TO WHEN I WAS 14.
I WOULD NEED A TIME MACHINE.
IN ORDER TO WARN MYSELF.
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME.
IN THE FUTURE.

AT THE AGE OF TWELVE.
MY CONSCIENCE.
STATED TO DRIVE ME MAD.
BECAUSE I WAS GOING THROUGH PUBERTY.
MY WHOLE WORLD CAME CRASHING DOWN ON ME.
I COULD NOT COPE WITH THIS.
ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS LETTING GOD DOWN.
MY COUNTRY AND MY FAMILY.
ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.
IS GOING TO HELL.
AND THATS WERE I BELONG.
I ALSO STARTED TAKING AN INTEREST IN GIRLS MY OWN AGE.
AT THE AGE OF TWELVE.
HOWEVER I PREFARED MORE MATURE WOMEN.
I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN GIRLS MY OWN AGE OR WOMEN.
BEFORE PUBERTY.
I HAD CLEAR CONSCIENCE BEFORE ALL OF THIS.
NOW MY COSCIENCE IS DRIVING ME NUTS.
I WENT TO CONFESSION.
AND TOLD MY PARISH PRIEST.
WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO ME RECENTLY.
I WAS THERE FOR TWO HOURS.
THATS HOW SERIOUSLY I TAKE THIS.
PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND.
ITS VERY DISTURBING FOR ME.
I CAN GET VERY UPSET.
AND BREAK DOWN CRYING.

I'M GOING THROUGH HELL.
IF I COMMIT SUICIDE I WILL DEFFENTLY BE IN HELL FOR ETERNITY.
I HAVE TO WEIGH UP THE OPTIONS.
TO I CARRY ON OR COMMIT SUICIDE.
IF MY PARISH PRIEST.
COULD PROMISE.
THAT I WOULD STILL GO TO HEAVEN.
EVEN IF I COMMITTED SUICIDE.
WHITOUT HESITATION.
WHITIN FIVE MINUTES.
OF LEAVEING THE CHURCH.
I WOULD KILL MYSELF.
ALSO I HAVE TO THINK OF MY MOTHER AND BROTHERS AND SISTERS TOO.
MY MOTHER SAID TO ME.
IF I KILL MYSELF.
SHE COULD NOT GO ON LIVING.
THATS WHAT I'M REALLY AFRAID OFF.
IF I KILL MYSELF.
I DON'T WANT MY MOTHER TO DO THE SAME.

AS I'VE I KNOW.
WHAT CAUSED EVERYTHING.
I'D BEING FIGHTING PUBERTY VIGROUSLY SINCE I WAS TWELVE.
AS I'VE ALREADY SAID ITS VERY DISTURBING FOR ME.
I DIDN'T WANT ANY OF THIS TO HAPPEN TO ME.
I WAS HAPPY THE WAY I WAS.
BEFORE TWELVE YEARS OF AGE.
I JUST WANT MY SLEEP AND HEALTH BACK.
AND ESPECIALLY MY INNOCENCE.
I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING MORALLY WRONG.

I JUST WANT TO FOCUS ON GOD.
I WAS A PEFECTIONIST BEFORE PUBERTY.
I WAS LIKE A ROBOT.
I HAD NO FRIENDS AND I DIDN'T NEED ANY.
I WENT TO MASS ON MY OWM.
EVERY SUNDAY AT 8.00AM MASS.
I WAS TOTALLY HAPPY THE WAY I WAS.

I NEVER ASKED FOR ANY OF THIS.

I WAS FIGHTING PUBERTY AT TWELVE.
THEN AT 14.
I MADE A HUGE TO DECISION.
TO CHANGE LIFE.
BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS.
SO I PRAYED SEVERAL HOURS A DAY.
EVERYDAY.
I COULDN'T STOP PRAYINY AND WORRING.
THEN ONE DAY.
THE GUIDANCE TEACHER.
ASKED ME? WHAT WAS WRONG.
I SAID TO HER.
I LET MY GOD DOWN MY COUNTRY DOWN AND MY FAMILY.
AND THEN I JUST BROKE DOWN CRYING.
THEN A BOUT A WEEK LATER.
MY NAME GOT CALLED OUT.
AND WHEN I WENT DOWN TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE.
MY MOTHER WAS WAITING FOR ME.
THEE WAS A TAXI THERE.
I SAID WERE AM I GOING.
I WAS TAKEN INTO A PYSCHIATRIC HOSPITAL AGAINST MY OWN WILL.
I WAS 14 YEARS OF AGE AT THE TIME.
I TRIED TO PRETEND EVERYTHING WAS OKAY.
IN CASE THEY FOUND OUT.
WHAT WAS REALLY WRONG WITH ME.
WHEN A NURSE.
WOULD ASK ME.
WHAT WAS WRONG.
I WOULD JUST SAY.
THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH ME ITS ALL ONE BIG MIS UNDERSTANDING I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.
I MIGHT OF SAID I WAS BEEN PUNISHED BY GOD.
I COULDN'T TELL ANYONE.
WHAT WAS REALLY WRONG WITH ME.
THE NURSES WOULD OF ALL BEEN LAUGHING AT ME.
I'M NOT STUPID.
AND THEN MY PARENTS WOULD BE TOLD.
HOW COULD I EVEN FACE THEM.

AT THE AGE OF 15 YEARS OLD.
I KEPT GETTING AROUSED EVERYNIGHT.
SO I COULD NOT SLEEP.
I CAN'T TELL ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED.
THAT HAPPENED EVERYNIGHT.
IT WOULD BE EXPLICIT.
I WAS FIGHTING THE CHANGES THAT WERE GOING THROUGH MY BODY EVERYNIGHT.
I WAS TOSSING AND TURNING.
THIS THEN WENT INTO WEEKS THEN MONTHS THEN YEARS.
I AGED RAPIDLY.
EVEN AT 15 I WAS TOTALLY BURNT AND EXHAUSTED.
I LEFT SCHOOL.
SINCE I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING DUE TO MY EXHAUSTION.
I WAS COMPLETELY USELESS.
THEN I BECAME HOMLESS.
I THEN GOT A JOB WORKING ON A BUILDING SITE.
I WORKED LONG HOURS AND DID HEAVY MANUAL LABOUR.
I STILL COULDN'T SLEEP AWIN.
SOME OF THE MEN ON THE BUILDING SITE.
WOULD SAY TO ME.
YOU@LL SLEEP WELL TONIGHT.
I REPLIED NO I WONT.
I NEVER TOLD ONE OF THE WORKERS.
I HAD CHNONIC INSOMNIA.

I LOOKED DREADFUL.
SOME OF THE MEN CALLED ME A UGLY B.....TD.
SO DID MY UNCLE ONE DAY.
WHEN I WAS 16.

I HAD BAGS AND DARK CIRCLES UNDER MY EYES.
MY SCALP WAS ITCHING FLAKEY GREASY AND MY HAIR WAS FALLING OUT IN LARGE.

SO I LOOKED DREADFUL.
SOME OF THE FEMALE PATIENTS.
SAID IN FRONT THAT I WAS A UGLY B..TD.

IT DID NOT OCCURE TO ANYONE.
THAT I MAT ACTUALLY BE ILL.

I'VE WRITTEN A BOOK ABOUT MY ILLNESS AND HOW BAD I WAS TREATED BY DOCTORS AND NURSING STAFF.
AND DREADFUL ERROS THEY MADE,
DUE TO GROSS NEGLIGENCE INCOMPETANCE JUDGEMENTAL SEXISIM IGNORANCE.

THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF ONE OF THE HOSPITALS CHARTERS.

CARE COMPASSION DIGNITY EXCELLENCE JUSTICE RESPECT TRUST.

I NEVER GOT ANY OF THEM.

WHEN I WAS IN HOSPITAL.
I SAID TO MYSELF.
I BETTER LET THE NURSE KNOW.
THAT I CAN'T SLEEP.
IT WAS ABOUT 3.00AM IN THE MORNING.
I WENT TO THE OFFICE OR NURSES STATION.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.
BEFORE I COULD EVEN FINISH TELLING HER.
THAT I COULD NOT SLEEP.

SHE PUSHED ME WITH BOTH HANDS AGAINST MY CHEST AT LEAST TWICE OR THREE TIMES AND SLAMMED THE DOOR IN MY FACE.
YES THIS REALLY DID HAPPEN.

IT EVEN GETS WORSE.
HOWEVER THATS FOR ANOTHER DAY.

THIS IS THE WORLD I LIVE IN.

I'VE NO MOMEY AND I'M VERY ILL.

I ALSO DID DEVELOPE PROPERLY.
I HAVE THE BODY OF 15 YEAR OLD BOY.
AND A FACE LIKE A 90 YEAR MAN.
I KNOW THIS STUFF IS EXTRADINARY.
I'VE WRITTEN DOWN IN THE LAST 6 MONTHS.

MANY THANKS.

GOD BLESS.