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Suffering from sexual perversions or sexual fantasies. How to get cured?

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Practicing since : 2003
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hi Dr.
i am a 30 yr old man that loves dating girls with a messed up sexual history, although i really bug the girl about it and it bothers me a lot, it does turn me on!
i come from a discreet family and i am the jealous type! & that is how we were raised. but i seriously get turned on by the idea of marrying a famous porn star or a girl with a slutty sexual history. when i masturbate i fantasies on my girlfriend that i really love and try to marry that she is doing it with some guy from her past and sometimes i ask her how she did it in details from the minute they enter the living room to the very end until she wears her clothes to leave (and she does tell me).
when we have real sex or on the phone, i do it normally until she is satisfied (orgasms), after that i go to that XXXXXXX again to ask her what she did and how she did it and i get turned on even more! and thats when i get my best erection! and i like to download porn with a porn star that has similar figures
to my girlfriend and scenes with very similar stories on how my girlfriend did it! that gets me off real good !

i just want someones say in what im experiencing! i think i had it for a long time but it really started to come out when i met and loved this girl 2.5 yrs ago! specially with her sexual history and the way she is open in telling me although sometimes it bothers her a lot so i stop doin it and i go to the normal sex but XXXXXXX inside i dont enjoy it as much!

now we broke up and i really feel sad to see her going out there again but yet all i masturbate on is her being with another guy doing it !! i dont know why!
Posted Sun, 21 Oct 2012 in Men Sexual Problems
Answered by Dr. Jonas Sundarakumar 10 hours later

Welcome to Healthcare Magic and thanks for your question.

I have gone through the detailed description of your sexual problem. It appears that you are having a 'paraphilia'. Paraphilias are sexual perversions or sexual fantasies in which sexual excitement or orgasm is associated with sexual acts or imagery that are considered outside the boundaries of normal sexual relationship or unusual within the culture.

It is common for people, especially men, to have sexual fabtasies. Sometimes mutually consenting partners even 'act out' their sexual fantasies to enhance their sexual pleasure. But it is deemed as a problem when:
1) the other partner finds it unacceptable or displeasurable
2) it starts affecting the intimacy of the relationship or normal sexual functioning
3) the person finds it difficult to control his sexual fantasies despite knowing that it is causing difficulties to him or his partner

Now, you have mentioned that though your partner was open in expressing her past sexual acts, it clearly reached a point where she was uncomfortable with your sexual fantasies and it started bothering her a lot. It could have been the reason for the breakdown of your relationship as well. Also, you say that though you are distressed and sad about this you still can't stop your fantasies. This indicates that your sexual fantasies / perversion is causing you personal and interpersonal problems and affecting your relationships.

There may be a psychoanalytic explanation for this specific type of sexual fantasy which you are having. There is a psychological entity in men called the "Madonna-whore complex". Men with this complex desire a sexual partner who has been degraded (the whore), wheras they cannot desire the respected partner (the Madonna). They see women as either 'saintly Madonnas' or 'debased prostitutes'. This 'black or white' thinking prevents them from maintaining sexual arousal within a committed, loving relationship and they have to fantasise about women who are 'immoral' or 'degraded'. This complex has been found to be common in persons who have been brought up with punitive parenting and with very strict moral values.

Since this problem is causing you significant problems, I think you need professional help to sort this out. Otherwise, it may be very difficult to maintain any committed relationship. The solution is not simple, but involves a detailed psychological exploration and psychotherapy. So, I would advise you to seek the help of a local psychiatrist who would be able to guide you further.

Wish you all the best.

- Dr. Jonas Sundarakumar
Consultant Psychiatrist

(Kindly close this query if you are satisfied with my answer)
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