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How To Deal With Sex Issues Between A Husband And Wife?
Question: Dear Doctor,
My married relationship is in need of professional guidance for dealing with psychological and attitude differences between myself and my wife.
Personal details are:-
- I am a 33 yrs old, male from XXXXXXX
- My wife is 25 years old.
- marriage life is 1.5 yrs old.
- it is a love marriage, and I did not have this problem with her earlier before marriage.
- We both are working professionals.
- Our lifestyle is good and satisfactory, full filling all our basic necessities and luxury.
Note: the following issue points pertains only to issues related with sex and intimacy between myself and my wife. Not normal everyday life.
The issue is as follows :-
- during sex, i get attracted to my wife only in particular attire. Eg. XXXXXXX traditional clothes with bangles or western formals with a good professional look. I am a person, who also likes bondage sex at times.
- on the other side, my wife disagrees to the fact of wearing only the attire that attracts me. Although she is well aware of the above point, each time I request her to wear what I like, She claims that... 'if I love her, then I should get attracted to her during sex in anything she wears. She also says that she is not a maniquene. She always says... That I won't change for anyone in this world. I am what I am'. In fact she absolutely denies to wear what I like most of the times.
- she also claims that I must have sensitive feelings during sex... Like emotional bonding and love.
The reality is... I definitely have love and lots of affection for her when it come to normal lifestyle. But during sex, I am predominantly focused on her appearance and aesthetics. Whereas she enjoys sex with more emotional aspects.
- she is asking me to change my likings now. I really don't know how this is possible. How can someone start liking something that he hates.? She has been very stubborn since last 1.5years and have rarely worn what I like. And she expects me to love her with this stubborn attitude. After extensive explanation to her, and reasoning out with her for hours, with many loud fights at home, now she has started saying that we both can try and work out something. But she is still adamant on asking me to change my liking, and she will try to change her obstinate attitude.
She feels if she changes her attire, then she is changing herself, and she feels that is not the right thing.
She expects me to like her the way she is... But how do I change my taste??? Pls help!!!
She is very very very very stubborn. This is keeping me in stress and anxiety all the time. At Times during fights, she also says that if I only want sex due to physical attraction, then I can go and do it outside in a brothel.
I am not an individual who would like to have such relationships with other outside girls. Hence, i don't even think from that angle. Now, with a wife is like this, what do I do? I really feel troubled and feel. That it is very unfair. Sometimes I feel that she is misusing her position as a wife in this relationship.
Pls help....!
My sole purpose of writing all this is to have a happy married relationship.
My married relationship is in need of professional guidance for dealing with psychological and attitude differences between myself and my wife.
Personal details are:-
- I am a 33 yrs old, male from XXXXXXX
- My wife is 25 years old.
- marriage life is 1.5 yrs old.
- it is a love marriage, and I did not have this problem with her earlier before marriage.
- We both are working professionals.
- Our lifestyle is good and satisfactory, full filling all our basic necessities and luxury.
Note: the following issue points pertains only to issues related with sex and intimacy between myself and my wife. Not normal everyday life.
The issue is as follows :-
- during sex, i get attracted to my wife only in particular attire. Eg. XXXXXXX traditional clothes with bangles or western formals with a good professional look. I am a person, who also likes bondage sex at times.
- on the other side, my wife disagrees to the fact of wearing only the attire that attracts me. Although she is well aware of the above point, each time I request her to wear what I like, She claims that... 'if I love her, then I should get attracted to her during sex in anything she wears. She also says that she is not a maniquene. She always says... That I won't change for anyone in this world. I am what I am'. In fact she absolutely denies to wear what I like most of the times.
- she also claims that I must have sensitive feelings during sex... Like emotional bonding and love.
The reality is... I definitely have love and lots of affection for her when it come to normal lifestyle. But during sex, I am predominantly focused on her appearance and aesthetics. Whereas she enjoys sex with more emotional aspects.
- she is asking me to change my likings now. I really don't know how this is possible. How can someone start liking something that he hates.? She has been very stubborn since last 1.5years and have rarely worn what I like. And she expects me to love her with this stubborn attitude. After extensive explanation to her, and reasoning out with her for hours, with many loud fights at home, now she has started saying that we both can try and work out something. But she is still adamant on asking me to change my liking, and she will try to change her obstinate attitude.
She feels if she changes her attire, then she is changing herself, and she feels that is not the right thing.
She expects me to like her the way she is... But how do I change my taste??? Pls help!!!
She is very very very very stubborn. This is keeping me in stress and anxiety all the time. At Times during fights, she also says that if I only want sex due to physical attraction, then I can go and do it outside in a brothel.
I am not an individual who would like to have such relationships with other outside girls. Hence, i don't even think from that angle. Now, with a wife is like this, what do I do? I really feel troubled and feel. That it is very unfair. Sometimes I feel that she is misusing her position as a wife in this relationship.
Pls help....!
My sole purpose of writing all this is to have a happy married relationship.
Brief Answer:
I employ you to see the good in her and let of the discord!
Detailed Answer:
Hi and thanks for this query.
I have reviewed this information fully. You concerns and worries are real, but your approach seems to be more authoritative and directive than mutual consent-what is expected in marriage.
Letting your wife know you are turned on by dresses/jewelry and not herself doesn’t make her feel good about herself. That will rather boil down to a bad reaction from her and the desire to make sure that is not how you see her. You know, persons often get attracted to prostitute because of their seductive looks and provocative dressing and not the person they are. No wife would accept to be seen that way by her husband. Her reaction is what most women would also put up.
Have you had other sexual partners before you got married? What turned you on then? Similar dressing? And before marriage, what turned you on while with her? I will suggest that you compromise, at least little, and tell her you you would be a lot happier if she puts on the appealing attire most of the times than requesting that it becomes the definition of inviting you for sex/sex moments.
I know your intentions are just to enjoy sex to the fullest but the way she perceives it isn’t exactly how you intent. I am afraid your message came up as making her a sex mate and not a wife. A wife needs to be valued from different dimensions. What activities go on before sex? Do you guys sit next to each other, hug, play, relax, etc? If you get involved in many things leading up to sex, the attire wouldn’t be what turns you on. Her company and presence should.
I might be hard but this is in your best interest. Come to a compromise, make positive comments or actions when she is in your preferred outlook and stay neutral when she’s not.You must make her feel getting dressed that way is not the only way to turn you on but just another way to get you even more attracted. Don’t make it sound like a fight and she will eventually submit to your ways-in due course.
I hope this helps. Wish you well. Feel free to ask for more information and clarifications if need be.
I employ you to see the good in her and let of the discord!
Detailed Answer:
Hi and thanks for this query.
I have reviewed this information fully. You concerns and worries are real, but your approach seems to be more authoritative and directive than mutual consent-what is expected in marriage.
Letting your wife know you are turned on by dresses/jewelry and not herself doesn’t make her feel good about herself. That will rather boil down to a bad reaction from her and the desire to make sure that is not how you see her. You know, persons often get attracted to prostitute because of their seductive looks and provocative dressing and not the person they are. No wife would accept to be seen that way by her husband. Her reaction is what most women would also put up.
Have you had other sexual partners before you got married? What turned you on then? Similar dressing? And before marriage, what turned you on while with her? I will suggest that you compromise, at least little, and tell her you you would be a lot happier if she puts on the appealing attire most of the times than requesting that it becomes the definition of inviting you for sex/sex moments.
I know your intentions are just to enjoy sex to the fullest but the way she perceives it isn’t exactly how you intent. I am afraid your message came up as making her a sex mate and not a wife. A wife needs to be valued from different dimensions. What activities go on before sex? Do you guys sit next to each other, hug, play, relax, etc? If you get involved in many things leading up to sex, the attire wouldn’t be what turns you on. Her company and presence should.
I might be hard but this is in your best interest. Come to a compromise, make positive comments or actions when she is in your preferred outlook and stay neutral when she’s not.You must make her feel getting dressed that way is not the only way to turn you on but just another way to get you even more attracted. Don’t make it sound like a fight and she will eventually submit to your ways-in due course.
I hope this helps. Wish you well. Feel free to ask for more information and clarifications if need be.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Thank you for the honest replies.
But inspite of all the valid points that you made, and are so true, how do I change/modify/tweak my likings? It's so natural in my psychological part!
She says, sex is not attraction, whereas, I find attraction such an integral and important part of sex!
There is so much thought difference in me and her.
Also, another point I would like to share, that I masturbate regularly, since almost last 10 years or more. Almost daily.
This has made me habituated only to that particular pleasure (physically and psychologically too... Habituated towards imagining girls in XXXXXXX traditional dresses) and now, each time I'm in the spree with my wife, I almost always land up doing masturbation and asking her to wear them (which she almost always denies) .
Pls help me in all these aspects if u can.
It looks like such a big mess.
But inspite of all the valid points that you made, and are so true, how do I change/modify/tweak my likings? It's so natural in my psychological part!
She says, sex is not attraction, whereas, I find attraction such an integral and important part of sex!
There is so much thought difference in me and her.
Also, another point I would like to share, that I masturbate regularly, since almost last 10 years or more. Almost daily.
This has made me habituated only to that particular pleasure (physically and psychologically too... Habituated towards imagining girls in XXXXXXX traditional dresses) and now, each time I'm in the spree with my wife, I almost always land up doing masturbation and asking her to wear them (which she almost always denies) .
Pls help me in all these aspects if u can.
It looks like such a big mess.
Brief Answer:
You must stop masturbation!
Detailed Answer:
HI,
It becomes clearer why sex is more of an option than a must to you: A married man who masturbates daily will certainly have difficulties in his sexual life. Sex is about emotions building and released through ejaculation/orgasm. if you now get orgasm by masturbating, then your wife becomes a sex mate just for marital fulfillment and not because you real have the emotional drive. That is why you would rather want her to put on dresses to attract you while you should be the one making the calls. You are more into masturbation than having real sex. What turns you on with masturbation? Is the penis dressed in the XXXXXXX style?
It is simple and let’s try this out......
1. Stop masturbation completely.
2. Each time you feel like masturbating, think of your wife and rather request for sex.
Do you think you would still request that she dresses in the traditional regalia before sex when you are in the urgent urge of masturbating? That’s a NONONONO. Does she really knows you masturbate that much? Masturbating was a useful way to relief yourself before marriage and not in your marriage.
In all, stop masturbation. Contain the urge to relief yourself during masturbation and redirect that to having sex with your wife...This will work for you.
Keep me posted on this.
You must stop masturbation!
Detailed Answer:
HI,
It becomes clearer why sex is more of an option than a must to you: A married man who masturbates daily will certainly have difficulties in his sexual life. Sex is about emotions building and released through ejaculation/orgasm. if you now get orgasm by masturbating, then your wife becomes a sex mate just for marital fulfillment and not because you real have the emotional drive. That is why you would rather want her to put on dresses to attract you while you should be the one making the calls. You are more into masturbation than having real sex. What turns you on with masturbation? Is the penis dressed in the XXXXXXX style?
It is simple and let’s try this out......
1. Stop masturbation completely.
2. Each time you feel like masturbating, think of your wife and rather request for sex.
Do you think you would still request that she dresses in the traditional regalia before sex when you are in the urgent urge of masturbating? That’s a NONONONO. Does she really knows you masturbate that much? Masturbating was a useful way to relief yourself before marriage and not in your marriage.
In all, stop masturbation. Contain the urge to relief yourself during masturbation and redirect that to having sex with your wife...This will work for you.
Keep me posted on this.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Answered by
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