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Feeling confused and anxiety. Not in good relationship with boyfriend. Suggest

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Practicing since : 2009
Answered : 632 Questions
My boyfriend lives overseas and used to constantly contact me now it is 4 weeks that his mother passed and he contacts every day but very little, to say hi, chat a little, and then say good night but it could be anytime of day so I stay near the computer and always look at my cellphone. This is not healthy. Is he just stressed and I have to adjust? I am sad that he is in control. He will not say honey I will be able to talk at this time. Now I do not know when he will contact me. It is more difficult on the weekend. During the week I work. I have a good job, plenty of friends but coping with driving me crazy. I was fine in the relationship until he changed the pattern. I understand he is grieving and has lots to do but he will not reassurance except when I say should I worry ...he says no. but then he jokes and say maybe i dont know i let you know....and I said you changed and he said you too. Should I just be more patient? This anxiety is is truly like you cannot breath and your heart is being ripped apart. I forgot to add he is a married man but we love each other a lot and it is now 4 years. I guess I did not feel as anxious before in the realtionship but he was always after me, either through calls, texts, instant message, emails, etc. I even got a unlimited landline phone plan to call from north XXXXXXX to europe. Now I am angry at myself but cannot function properly and my thoughts run wild. Can you help? Just yesterday I thought I must have some disorder because if I was stronger I would give him time let him change his pattern and if I was truly upset I would leave him but I love him and as time passes I find it harder to leave but if we will not leave his wife, how much time do I give him and in the meantime time is passing......I love him a lot. Thanks

Posted Sat, 8 Jun 2013 in Mental Health
Answered by Dr. Sundar Gnanavel 46 minutes later
Thanks for your query. I understand the emotional turmoil you are facing currently. Loss of a loved one is referred to as bereavement and following the loss of his mother, your boy friend should be passing through a grief reaction. At times, the grief reaction may take long to resolve and may be unusually severe referred to as complicated grief reaction. I would suggest you encourage your boy friend to XXXXXXX a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist to assess and help him out. A form of psychotherapy/ talk therapy called as "grief work" helps in resolution of grief. However, the interpersonal issue pertaining to your boy friend being already married is a different complex issue and i would not be able to provide any suggestions at this juncture with the available information. Wish you good health.
Dr Sundar
Above answer was peer-reviewed by
Follow-up: Feeling confused and anxiety. Not in good relationship with boyfriend. Suggest 57 minutes later
Thank you for your reply. I think I am overthinking everything because I feel that actions speal louder than words but knowing that he is going through a change I feel I should be patient. My next question is what I should do next. I am with a married man who has one child 8 yrs old and I have 2 that are older 16 and 18. Over the past 3 years he is always after me but has told me in the past that I am sentimental and emotional and he does not like that. I try but I realized that I get insecure when I feel that we wont be together. So my question is to I just joke with him, stay calm, keep my emotions to myself and talk about them at a later time and not often....will that change things...I just hate myself now thinking that in addtion to his grief I have told him too much about my me as I am kind but scared to lose him.....tks

I feel very sick to my stomach now. What can I do to cope with this change in my boyfriend, be patient, stop being emotional and wait to see where it goes?
How long I wait is another question. The way I see it if this man really loves me he will be there for me and not leave me. Unless something happened. The fact that he communicates with me every day I feel like it is more the griefing he is going through. I will not ask any emotional questions and just be cool with him. Also, note that he is German and I am italian......he definitely loves my passion for I have to keep quiet and let things go back to normal, if possible. Do you have any other suggestions? I hate feeling this helpless and sad. feels like rejection and how can that be when someone loves you....???
Answered by Dr. Sundar Gnanavel 11 hours later
With regard to your interpersonal issues I understand you are confused. I would suggest that after a period say a month discuss frankly regarding your expectations from your boy friend and the trajectory you want your relationship to take and the time limit you would like to set for the same. Following the discussion it is upto your discretion to continue the relationship or dienscale to just friendship or break the relationship. It should be a mutual well discussed and an informed decision. Wish you all the best.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by
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